My New Office

In the early days of this blog (read: 4 months ago), I spent way too much time posting about bathroom stuff–and loved every minute of it. Posts such as Bathroom Rules for Men and Men and Public Restrooms are now legendary in blog circles.

It’s been a long, dry spell. So let’s head to the bathroom once again. Check out my new office–complete with filing cabinet.

I’ll let you decide which is more disturbing: the fact that there is cabinet in the stall or that I took a picture of it. Yes, I tried opening the drawers to see what was inside–how could I resist? Alas, they were locked. So you’ll just have to use your imagination to figure out why it’s in there.

The Strange And Wonderful Land Of Search, 1st Edition

I have been keeping an eye on the search phrases that are bringing traffic to my blog. Some of them are hilarious others are a bit disturbing. Here’s the “best of” so far, categorized for your convenience.

Get A Life

funeral homes – who cleans them?

unexpected uses for green tea

non strenuous jobs for retirees

bathroom items beginning with m

Disturbing

hot dauter dance

“snap it off” toilet

daughter and dad in bath

trend bathroom 2008   (whatever it is, let’s hope it doesn’t involve Larry Craig)

WTF? 

is film on headlight illegal in Canada

anita renfro, william tell

guidance+winds+post+headlight

my dog ate garland

And this one sounds like a fun science experiment: comic strip film canister alka seltzer

Bathroom Rules Violation

We went bowling this evening with some very good friends. About mid-way through the festivities, The Wife excused herself to the restroom. When she returned, she reported an extreme violation of Bathroom Rules. It seems that while she was sitting there, a hand waved under the stall and other lady said “I’m not a politician, but I’m out of toilet paper. Can you pass some?” To make matters worse, The Wife answered her and complied with the request. So actually they both violated the rules.

You can see the all the bathroom rules in a previous post, Bathroom Rules For Men. I know the title refers to men, but most of the rules can also apply to women. I may have to consider expanding my rules a bit. After the Senator Craig incident, I thought it was obvious to everyone that you don’t wave your hand under the stall. Guess I was wrong.

Follow-up To Bathroom Rules

You may recall my previous post on Bathroom Rules for men. I ran into this YouTube video “Male Restroom Etiquette” today. It is absolutely hilarious. Check it out.

Bathroom Rules For Men

We were having dinner with our best friends last night and after several people came back from the restroom, we started discussing public restrooms and how people use and misuse them. I know, this is already sounding disturbing: discussing bathrooms at the dinner table in a restaurant. However, the discussion got me thinking about some unwritten rules about using a public restroom that I have followed for years. So now, whether you want them or not, I am now publishing the rules. The background on my reasoning for a couple of these rules is explained in a previous post, Men and Public Restrooms. You may want to read that post first if you have not already done so.

Talking

  • Talking is not allowed while using a toilet or urinal. The only exception is a life-threatening medical emergency. Even then, it’s preferable to get out of the restroom before talking.
  • Talking is acceptable while using the sink, but it must be with someone else. No talking to yourself.
  • Talking is tolerated, but highly discouraged, while standing in line
  • Cell phone usage is not allowed anywhere in the restroom (see life-threatening emergency exception above)
  • For purposes of these rules, the definition of talking is expanded to include: whistling, humming, singing, moaning, and groaning–basically any sound generated from the neck up.

Flushing

  • Always flush when you are finished
  • It’s acceptable to pre-flush a toilet if the last person was not considerate enough to do so. However, you don’t need to pre-flush a urinal. I’m pretty certain your urine combined with someone else’s will not create a toxic cloud or cause an explosion. Save the water–but flush after you are done.
  • Don’t flush with your foot. There are way more germs on your shoe than the handle. You’re are just compounding the problem. Plus, you should be washing your hands right after, so if there are any germs they’ll be washed away.

Stalls

  • A casual glance to see if someone is in a stall is fine, but no up-close peering (Senator Craig). The best test is a gentle push on the door to see if it is locked.
  • If all stalls but the handicap one is in use, use the handicap stall so long as someone in a wheelchair is not in line behind you. There are no fines for using a handicap stall.
  • Always lock the door
  • Unless the seat is obviously messy, there’s no need for cleaning. I’ve listened to some several-minute-long rituals of spraying Lysol, scrubbing with toilet paper, flushing, and applying a seat cover. This in a professional office building where the facilities are well maintained. It’s an unnecessary waste of time and money. Think about it, butt cheeks might very well be the cleanest part of the body. You take a shower, then apply a couple layers of clothing. There’s not much opportunity for a lot of germs on the part of the body that touches the toilet seat. Items touched by hands are exponentially dirtier than a toilet seat. (Great, now I’m probably going to have co-workers spraying everything in sight with Lysol.)
  • Never pick up paper off the floor. I think this one is common sense, but I threw it in for Senator Craig’s benefit.
  • If you are out of paper, do not ask for someone to pass paper to you (refer to the talking rules)

Urinals

  • If all urinals are in use and a stall is available, use it.
  • Always look straight ahead
  • Both hands must always remain “down there”. No hands on the hips, behind the head, or behind the back. No arms resting on the wall.

So there you have it. You may want to print this out for future reference. That way, if you ever have any questions, you’ll have the answers right there with you. I may consider creating credit card-sized laminated guides for a reasonable price if there is enough demand. I’d also love to hear if you have any additional rules I should consider adding.

Men and Public Restrooms

Okay, now I realize this title could be a bit disturbing–particularly after the Larry Craig incident. However, I assure you this is not like that. This is merely a rant where I assert that 75% of men do not know how to properly use a public restroom.

Despite the high journalistic standards employed by Dad in the Headlights, this figure is not based on a scientific sampling of public restrooms. Rather, it’s a ballpark figure based on my experiences. Let’s set the stage. Imagine you are at a sports event and it’s halftime. You (a man) hit the restroom to pee because of the beers you’ve been enjoying. Everyone else also waited for halftime, so you are waiting in line.

Here’s where things start annoying me. 50% of men will not use a stall to pee when all the urinals are taken. Why is that? Do all these people have home urinals, so they aren’t used to using a toilet to pee? The other 50% (those that don’t have home urinals) will actually use a toilet. Great. They are helping use the restroom to its full capacity so that we can all get back to the game faster. Unfortunately, 50% of these folks still get it wrong.

Of those that use a stall to pee, 50% do not lock the door. What is wrong with you? While privacy may not be as much of an issue since your back is turned, do you really want someone bursting in and smacking you with the door? I really don’t want to peer through the door or under the stall to see if someone is in there (I’m not Larry Craig after all). The test of whether a stall is in use is whether it’s locked or not.

So there you have it, only 25% of men know how to use a public restroom. Happy peeing!