Driving Mr. Bryan

Sign seen by the side of the road: “Drive carefully” Crap. There go my plans to be reckless and get my road rage out of my system.

Fun Car Gadget

You may recall from a previous post that I would like to develop a small tactical nuke to take out drivers that piss me off. I’m still working on that, but have had another idea in my mind for quite some time: an LED sign for the rear car window. That way, I can let the person behind me know what I really think. Well, as it turns out, someone stole my idea. For $60, you can get a 10″ by 2″ LED message board that mounts in the rear window. This is fantastic!

I might just have to get one. I was sitting here tonight thinking of what messages I would like to program in. After all, it can take up to 98. Here are a few I thought of:

  • The 60s are over hippy freak
  • Get the frick out of the left lane
  • Buckle up your kid, moron
  • Nice headlights
  • Your gas hatch is open
  • Ha, ha, passed you
  • Have a good day
  • Life sucks
  • Why do you want your dog dead?
  • In a wacky mood
  • Bet you can’t catch me
  • Slow poke

Murder, He Wrote

Every once in awhile, when I’m driving down the road, I decide to go on a murderous rampage. In particular, this happens when someone doesn’t signal a turn, cuts me off, drives 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, etc. When things like this happen, I stalk the offending party. I will follow them until they make a turn or go around a curve. Then I bump the back of their car so that they spin out of control and slide off the road. It’s a bonus if there happens to be some kind of drop off; that way, the car rolls down the embankment and the folks are killed in a spectacular, explosive fireball. It’s a very satisfying form of revenge.

Today, this jerk passed me and cut me off. I was pissed. I put my road rage hat on and followed for a couple of miles. Soon, we were coming up to a curve. Even better, there was a nice drop off on the other side of the curve, so I would get my ultimate reward of the fiery crash. I zoomed up on the car–ready to inflict my punishment. Just before I was to hit the car, to my horror I saw a Baby on Board sign in the back window. Crap. I may be a killer, but I’m not a baby killer. I backed off and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Seriously folks, why do people waste their money on a stupid little sign (most likely made in China by the way) announcing to me that they have a human less than a year old in the car? Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. But when I’m driving or doing anything else, I don’t put any less value on the lives of people that are not babies. All life, young and old, is precious.

But wait, maybe we’re on to something here. Let’s turn this program around. Let’s mandate signs for those that we do want to exterminate. (Pay no attention to the fact that this contradicts my previous statement about all life being precious). That way, they are clearly identified so that we can run them off the road to die in fiery crashes. Here are some good starter ideas:

  • Child Molester On Board
  • Ax Murderer On Board
  • Al-Qaeda Member On Board

What do you think? Yes, the good ideas to improve life in the USA just never stop here at DITH.