I’m Getting Old

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we went bowling last night with some good friends and had a great time. However, I’m paying for it today. My legs are sore and my knees are a bit achy. When did this happen? Bowling is only slightly more strenuous than walking to the fridge for a snack. I can’t believe I’m sore from bowling. I must be getting old. Or maybe I need more regular exercise. Naw…that’s crazy talk.

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I Want To Be Mr. Potato Head

Okay, strap yourself in. We’re headed to a particularly wacky outpost of Bryan’s brain. Just a fair warning.

So I want to be like Mr. Potato Head. Why? Well, let me back up and give you a little background. I am really not very comfortable sleeping on my back or stomach, so the only choice is my side (well, I guess I could try standing or sleeping on my head, but I have doubts on the viability of those options). However, when I sleep on my side, my arms get in the way and that’s not always very comfortable either. The other problem is that my arms will fall asleep. It sucks. So here’s what I want: detachable arms. I’d have two hooks on my bedroom wall. When it was time for bed, I’d turn sideways and put my arm in the hook, then pull away from the wall snapping the arm out. Then turn 180 degrees and repeat. Presto! Happy, comfortable sleeping on my side. In the morning, I get up and reverse the process. Go up to my arm and press my body onto it to snap it back on. Sweet!

Now I could stop here, but I thought of some other really useful ideas along the same lines. I mean, I want lots of detachable parts.

  • Eyes: You know how sometimes you get dust or something in your eyes and cannot for the life of you get it out. With my plan, you just pop the offending eye out, wash it off, and pop it back in. Got bad eye-site? Go to the optometrist, get updated eyes, then just pop them in. No glasses, no contacts. Sweet!
  • Ears: Got a bunch of wax in your ears? No sweat. Snap the ear off, wash thoroughly, then snap it back on. Bad hearing? Go to the doctor and get new ears, and snap them on. Sweet!
  • Nose: So you know how when you have a cold, you’ll wake up in the morning and have a bunch of dried snot caked inside your nose? You should know the drill by now: snap it off, wash it out, snap it back on. Sweet!
  • Legs: I have a heck of a time sitting on the floor. I’m not comfortable sitting Indian style and if I fold my leg under my butt, they quickly fall asleep. So I want to be able to snap my legs off at the knee and put them aside while I sit on the floor. Sweet!
  • Head: If we could come up with a way to sustain life without a heart, I’d just detach my head from my body and discard the body. It’s kind of fat and starting to suffer from aches and pains. A body is kind of burden, so I would be content to just be a head. Then I could hire someone to carry me around. I could actually become the laziest person on the planet. Sweet!

I can probably think of others, but this is enough for now. If I could just have these, I’d be loving life!