Here’s Your Sign

When I was younger, most traffic signs simply had words. However, now that only like 2% of the population speaks English, we have all these confusing signs with vague cartoon-like pictures. Sometimes, I’ve had difficulties figuring out what the sign means. But I think I’ve got them all straightened out now. So as a public service from the DITH Public Safety Department, here are what some select traffic signs mean–oh, and maybe some appropriate commentary as needed. I’ll also throw in commentary on some of the few signs that still have words.

 

Awesome! I’ve always hated those ankle-biters at the mall that lurk in the shadows and then spring out asking you to participate in a survey. I wish they would better their education so they could get a real job. Anyway, this sign will help me steer clear of this annoyance.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat, right?

 

 

 

Logos need to be updated occasionally to keep up with the times. This is the new peace symbol.

 

 

 One drunk ahead

 

 

Two drunks ahead

 

 

 

Three drunks ahead

 

 

 

I’ve always felt bad about this one. This is telling us that a decapitated, hand-less, foot-less person could be crossing the road. But I guess that I shouldn’t feel too bad. It’s great that he is out there being a productive member of society despite the challenges of multiple limb losses.

 

 

 

See, this is just so awesome that these courageous members of society with huge physical challenges are still able to engage in gainful employment.

 

 

They are able to go to school, too. Though I have always thought this sign to be a bit sexist. Notice the boy helping the girl across the road with his stump of a hand. What, she can’t get across on her own?

 

It just warms my heart that such horribly disfigured individual are still able to engage in life-enriching sports and recreational activities. 

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But sadly, there are still some places that these folks are not welcomed. We’ve come a long way, but there are still some people that we need to fully welcome into society.

 

Oh, I remember this one from grade school math:  5  7

 

Instead, run like hell!

Sign images are from the
Manual of Traffic Signs, by
Richard C. Moeur.

The Answers to All Your Diet Questions

I am so tired of the conflicted health tips we get. One day something is bad for us–the next day it is good. Thanks to Carol, I found all the answers. Here you go…no extra charge this time.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO! What a Ride”

Finally, for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

1968 Retrospect: New Words

The English language is always evolving. New words are added and others slowly fade away. In 1968, The World Book choose words to be added to the 1969 edition of its dictionary. These words were no doubt in use for several years prior to 1968, but they finally gained common enough acceptance to finally be recognized.

It’s quite a long list, but I have pared it down to the more interesting ones. Below are some that you will certainly recognize, then some that never quite caught on.

Here are some words that you will certainly recognize:

  • arm twister
  • ax grinder
  • beefcake
  • brain-picking
  • character assassination
  • day-tripper
  • diploma mill
  • fertility drug
  • guinea-pig
  • handgun
  • hippie
  • in-joke (now inside joke of course)
  • instant replay
  • meat-and-potatoes
  • Medicaid
  • plain-Jane
  • R and R
  • speed reading
  • trendsetter
  • tween
  • zap

Here are some that apparently didn’t catch on after all. (Warning: a few of these are racial insensitive and rightly no longer used. They are only here as a historical study.)

  • Bob’s your uncle – you know the rest; that’s all there is to it
  • breen – a brown-tinted green color
  • Chinese homer – a home run made on a hit that travels only a short distance
  • daymare – an experience that is like a bad dream
  • GUM – state-operated department store in the Soviet Union
  • nebbish – a drab, clumsly, inconsequential person
  • nudnik – a tiresome, annoying person
  • rice Christian – an Asian or African native who converts to Christianity soley to receive food provided by missionaries
  • roadeo – a contest or exhibition of skill in driving automobiles, trucks, etc.
  • slanguage – slangy language
  • squaw winter – a brief period of prematurely cold weather in early autumn
  • telephonitis – an excessive or abnormal urge to make telephone calls

I Speak English Goodly

Thanks to John for this one.

I’ve always thought it was weird that those of us in the western United States have absolutely no accent. Everyone else in the world has some sort of accent, but not us. Strange.  🙂


Your Linguistic Profile:

  • 75% General American English
  • 15% Upper Midwestern
  • 5% Midwestern
  • 0% Dixie
  • 0% Yankee