No teacher with a pulse would believe the excuse that “My dog ate my homework”, right? Well, would they believe it with a cat?
Enter Neeko the devil cat.
Now tell me, could this adorable creature…
be capable of destoying the education of child?
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Here’s a meme with 50 seemingly random questions that I will answer with my expert writing abilities.
In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
As many of you know, I’m looking for a new job. My plan was to stay in the same field, but hey, if the right job comes along in another field, I might give it a try. cnn.com posted an article on “Some really odd jobs”. So sit back, relax, and help me sort through some of these to see if they might be suitable for me.
1. Breath odor evaluator
Not a big fan of the whole outsourcing or illegal immigrant labor thing, but maybe this is a job that Americans just won’t do.
What they do: Prepare cadavers for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.
For those Generation X and older, do you remember watching the opening credits to Quincy, M.E. in the 70s? Remember where Quincy was talking to the line-up of cops by a cadaver. Then when he pulled the sheet off, the officers all fainted one-by-one. Yeah, that’s me, collapsing to the floor. (To reminisce on that opening, click here.)
What they do: In short, they paint artificial eyes. It sounds easier than it is, since as with real eyes, no two are exactly the same.
Wow, that sounds like a very interesting, rewarding career. I believe that I would enjoy this for tens of seconds before I quit.
5. Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker
What they do: Create underwear that protect against bad human gas for people who suffer from gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with various materials and filters to help remedy hydrogen sulfide gases, the main offender in foul smells.
I guess making it wouldn’t be so bad. I just don’t want to be the tester. I’d happily delegate that.
6. Beer tester
What they do: Taste — and spit out — beer all day to approve new and existing flavors.
Finally, a career right my alley–getting paid to
drink taste beer all day. No boss, really, I promise to spit it all out.
7. Crack filler
This is wrong on so many levels, that I don’t even want to comment on it. I try to keep this blog PG-13 or cleaner.
8. Ball tester
Well, I have no interest in being a tester. I would like to sign up to be a test subject depending upon the circumstances. (That’s still PG-13, right?)
9. Video game tester
What they do: For eight hours a day, five days a week, a group of males and females of all ages play video games. They repeat levels, games and characters, looking for any bugs and/or glitches in the software.
Sweetness! This might be the best one so far. I can sit on my butt, eat chips, chug Mountain Dew, and play. I love it!
10. Tampon tester
11. Gold reclaimer
What they do: Scour old teeth for fillings, melting the gold from them with broken gold jewelry into tiny gold pellets, which is then re-sold to jewelers.
So I get to go whack old people and pull their teeth out? I mean, it sounds like a good way to relieve some stress, but are you sure it’s legal?
12. Dog sniffer
What they do: Once a week, they analyze the odor of dog’s breath to test the effect of their diet on their teeth. Breath is graded on a scale of zero to 10 and is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.
“…musty, fungal, or decaying.” (shivers) Add this one to the illegal immigrant/outsource list.
13. Potato chip inspector
What they do: Search for over-cooked or clumped chips to discard as they come down the assembly line.
Mmmm…daddy like. I’ll check into this one also. Ooops…there’s another “defective” one (crunch).
14. Porta-potty servicer
What they do: Like regular restrooms, portable toilets need maintenance, too. Once a week, service workers clean these single-stall facilities to achieve certain standards of sanitation.
It’s really every little boy’s dream, though you’ll never get any of us to admit it: To drive around all day sucking the crap out of porta-potty tanks all over town…yeah.
17. Safe cracker
What they do: When combinations are lost or forgotten, safe crackers use their ears and fingers to open the safe.
I could do this, but only if my tool of choice could be dynamite.
19. Paper towel sniffer
What they do: Paper towel manufacturers prefer their products to be odorless before, during and after their use. Naturally, paper towel sniffers ensure that once a paper towel is used, there is no noticeable scent.
There seems to be a lot of demand for people to sniff things and rate the hideousness thereof. Outsource all of these, please.
20. Foley artist
What they do: Use whatever they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sound effects in films, like heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.
I don’t fancy myself an artist, but this actually sounds like fun.
I was talking with someone with whom I’m just barely acquainted a few days ago. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of a pet dying. He mentioned that his poodle died several years back and that he didn’t want to bury it where he was living at the time. So he put the poodle in the freezer to preserve it until he moved! I was deeply disturbed and felt like I should take a shower after our conversation. What is he, a Jeffrey Dahmer in training?
First off freak-boy, don’t put your dog in the freezer. Second, if you’re not going to abide by my first request, please don’t tell me about it!
CNN posted an article on how to survive a nasty neighbor. In it, they provided 5 tips for keeping the peace. The tips were great and all, but I have some ideas for improvement.
1. Know your neighbors. Upon moving in, knock on doors, introduce yourself and establish a rapport.
Excellent. Scare the hell out of them before you’ve even got the moving van unloaded. I recommend picking up about 20 dogs and cats from the pound and letting them out as soon as you arrive. Then bring the kids (dressed up like gangsters) with you to introduce yourselves.
2. Bring problems up immediately. Don’t delay.
Yes, bring up problems early and often. And if there aren’t actually any problems, make something up. Mess with their minds.
3. Ask around. Most problems bother more than one neighbor. Gather support to build your case, and consider talking to the offending party as a group.
Exactly. Work the mob into a frenzy to terrorize the neighbor. Go for strength in numbers.
4. Be nice. Bring your neighbor cookies or a bottle of wine. It sets the stage for an amicable discussion.
Great idea. And don’t forget to lace the food with poison. If you can’t scare them out of the neighborhood, off them.
5. Be proactive. Try to deal with conflict on your own before taking things to the next level.
I agree. We definitely don’t want the police involved…particularly because of #4.