The Cat Ate My Homework

No teacher with a pulse would believe the excuse that “My dog ate my homework”, right? Well, would they believe it with a cat?

Enter Neeko the devil cat.

Now tell me, could this adorable creature…

neeko

 be capable of destoying the education of child?

neeko2

Punday, November 2nd

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

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50 Random Things About Me

Thanks to John via Chris for this one.

Here’s a meme with 50 seemingly random questions that I will answer with my expert writing abilities.

  1. What do you add to your coffee? I love the smell of coffee but generally need creamer to withstand the taste. Actually as I age and my taste buds die off, black coffee is starting to work for me.
  2. What are you reading now? I have kids. When do I have time to read? During vacation next week, I plan on reading Who in Hell is Wanda Fuca? by G.M. Ford.
  3. Do you own a gun?  No, two (evil laughter).
  4. Are you registered to vote? Absolutely. If you don’t want to participate in our democracy, shut up if you don’t like what’s going on.
  5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Doctors freak me out. I have to lay down when they draw blood out of fear of passing out.
  6. What do you think of hot dogs? I love them, but don’t ever tell me what’s in them or how they are made. 
  7. Favorite Christmas Song? No contest. Bing Crosby’s White Christmas
  8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Mountain Dew
  9. Can you do push ups? I don’t know. It’s better that I not try…I might be embarrased.
  10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m such a freak. My first girlfriend’s name was Lee. And this was in college (laugh amongst yourselves). The kicker is that I turned her into a lesbian. Yes, I was the last guy she dated before switching teams.
  11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring is my favorite (and only) jewelry I wear.
  12. Favorite hobby? I have kids. When do I have time for hobbies? I guess the closest thing I have to a hobby is blogging.
  13. Do you work with people who idolize you? (Dies laughing and is unable to answer)
  14. Do you have ADD? I do not believe so.
  15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I’ll answer tomorrow.
  16. What’s your Middle name? Too paranoid to answer. You might track me down.
  17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. How can I find a way to be on vacation permanently? Pizza rules. Beer rules.
  18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Gas, t-shirt, dinner at Subway.
  19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Diet Mountain Dew, water, beer.
  20. Current worry right now?  Being successful in my new job.
  21. What side do you dress to? I’m not really sure what this means. Left-right? Gay-straight? I don’t know how to answer.
  22. Favorite place to be? The Oregon Coast
  23. How did you bring in the New Year? I watched New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with the Younger Daughter.
  24. Where would you like to go? Hawaii
  25. Name three people who will complete this. No
  26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? I want everyone to play along. Do it.
  27. What color shirt are you wearing? Dark blue
  28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?.  No, I’m not a chick.
  29. Can you whistle?  Yes
  30. Favorite color? Red
  31. Could you be a pirate? Unlikely
  32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Our of respect for my family members, I do not sing in the shower.
  33. Favorite girls name?  Heather
  34. Favorite boy’s name? Jeff
  35. What’s in your pocket right now?  Cell phone, keys, and $0.50
  36. Last thing that made you laugh? I looked in the mirror.
  37. Best bed sheets as a child? Star Wars
  38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I sprained my ankle so badly when I was a junior in high school that I was on crutches for several day.
  39. Do you love where you live? I like it, but don’t love it.
  40. How many TVs do you have in your house?  5, but only 2 are used regularly.
  41. Who is your loudest friend?  Probably John (sorry John)
  42. How many dogs do you have? Two
  43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Not that I’m aware of.
  44. What are the most fun things you ever did? I don’t know.
  45. What are your favorite books? Refer back to #2.
  46. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms
  47. Favorite Team? Portland Trailblazers
  48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? I don’t want a funeral. Please have a party and laugh about the good times we had.
  49. What were you doing at 12 AM? On the computer when I should have been sleeping.
  50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Morning comes much to early in the day. Can we start it at about noon?

Punday, June 1st

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

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Great New Jobs

As many of you know, I’m looking for a new job. My plan was to stay in the same field, but hey, if the right job comes along in another field, I might give it a try. cnn.com posted an article on “Some really odd jobs”. So sit back, relax, and help me sort through some of these to see if they might be suitable for me.

1. Breath odor evaluator

Not a big fan of the whole outsourcing or illegal immigrant labor thing, but maybe this is a job that Americans just won’t do.

2. Diener

What they do: Prepare cadavers for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.

For those Generation X and older, do you remember watching the opening credits to Quincy, M.E. in the 70s? Remember where Quincy was talking to the line-up of cops by a cadaver. Then when he pulled the sheet off, the officers all fainted one-by-one. Yeah, that’s me, collapsing to the floor. (To reminisce on that opening, click here.)

4. Ocularist

What they do: In short, they paint artificial eyes. It sounds easier than it is, since as with real eyes, no two are exactly the same.

Wow, that sounds like a very interesting, rewarding career. I believe that I would enjoy this for tens of seconds before I quit.

5. Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker

What they do: Create underwear that protect against bad human gas for people who suffer from gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with various materials and filters to help remedy hydrogen sulfide gases, the main offender in foul smells.

I guess making it wouldn’t be so bad. I just don’t want to be the tester. I’d happily delegate that.

6. Beer tester

What they do: Taste — and spit out — beer all day to approve new and existing flavors.

Finally, a career right my alley–getting paid to drink taste beer all day. No boss, really, I promise to spit it all out.

7. Crack filler

This is wrong on so many levels, that I don’t even want to comment on it. I try to keep this blog PG-13 or cleaner.

8. Ball tester

Well, I have no interest in being a tester. I would like to sign up to be a test subject depending upon the circumstances. (That’s still PG-13, right?)

9. Video game tester

What they do: For eight hours a day, five days a week, a group of males and females of all ages play video games. They repeat levels, games and characters, looking for any bugs and/or glitches in the software.

Sweetness! This might be the best one so far. I can sit on my butt, eat chips, chug Mountain Dew, and play. I love it!

10. Tampon tester

Pass.

11. Gold reclaimer

What they do: Scour old teeth for fillings, melting the gold from them with broken gold jewelry into tiny gold pellets, which is then re-sold to jewelers.

So I get to go whack old people and pull their teeth out? I mean, it sounds like a good way to relieve some stress, but are you sure it’s legal?

12. Dog sniffer

What they do: Once a week, they analyze the odor of dog’s breath to test the effect of their diet on their teeth. Breath is graded on a scale of zero to 10 and is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

“…musty, fungal, or decaying.” (shivers) Add this one to the illegal immigrant/outsource list.

13. Potato chip inspector

What they do: Search for over-cooked or clumped chips to discard as they come down the assembly line.

Mmmm…daddy like. I’ll check into this one also. Ooops…there’s another “defective” one (crunch).

14. Porta-potty servicer

What they do: Like regular restrooms, portable toilets need maintenance, too. Once a week, service workers clean these single-stall facilities to achieve certain standards of sanitation.

It’s really every little boy’s dream, though you’ll never get any of us to admit it: To drive around all day sucking the crap out of porta-potty tanks all over town…yeah.

17. Safe cracker

What they do: When combinations are lost or forgotten, safe crackers use their ears and fingers to open the safe.

I could do this, but only if my tool of choice could be dynamite.

19. Paper towel sniffer

What they do: Paper towel manufacturers prefer their products to be odorless before, during and after their use. Naturally, paper towel sniffers ensure that once a paper towel is used, there is no noticeable scent.

There seems to be a lot of demand for people to sniff things and rate the hideousness thereof. Outsource all of these, please.

20. Foley artist

What they do: Use whatever they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sound effects in films, like heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.

I don’t fancy myself an artist, but this actually sounds like fun.

Jeffrey Dahmer in Training?

I was talking with someone with whom I’m just barely acquainted a few days ago. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of a pet dying. He mentioned that his poodle died several years back and that he didn’t want to bury it where he was living at the time. So he put the poodle in the freezer to preserve it until he moved! I was deeply disturbed and felt like I should take a shower after our conversation. What is he, a Jeffrey Dahmer in training?

First off freak-boy, don’t put your dog in the freezer.  Second, if you’re not going to abide by my first request, please don’t tell me about it!

How To Survive A Nasty Neighbor

CNN posted an article on how to survive a nasty neighbor. In it, they provided 5 tips for keeping the peace. The tips were great and all, but I have some ideas for improvement.

1. Know your neighbors. Upon moving in, knock on doors, introduce yourself and establish a rapport.

Excellent. Scare the hell out of them before you’ve even got the moving van unloaded. I recommend picking up about 20 dogs and cats from the pound and letting them out as soon as you arrive. Then bring the kids (dressed up like gangsters) with you to introduce yourselves.

2. Bring problems up immediately. Don’t delay.

Yes, bring up problems early and often. And if there aren’t actually any problems, make something up. Mess with their minds.

3. Ask around. Most problems bother more than one neighbor. Gather support to build your case, and consider talking to the offending party as a group.

Exactly. Work the mob into a frenzy to terrorize the neighbor. Go for strength in numbers.

4. Be nice. Bring your neighbor cookies or a bottle of wine. It sets the stage for an amicable discussion.

Great idea. And don’t forget to lace the food with poison. If you can’t scare them out of the neighborhood, off them.

5. Be proactive. Try to deal with conflict on your own before taking things to the next level.

I agree. We definitely don’t want the police involved…particularly because of #4.