Girl Germs

I knew it. According to an article on cnn.com, women have more germs than men. Finally, a reason to brag about being a man.

“The researchers aren’t sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. Knight said men generally have more acidic skin than women.

Other possibilities are differences in sweat and oil gland production between men and women, the frequency of moisturizer or cosmetics applications, skin thickness or hormone production, he said.”

See, it’s all that darn makeup and other crap you put on your skin. Try the natural look. I like it.

Now you might think that this would give me pause when considering kissing a woman. Nope. It is¬†simply too much fun–I’ll take my chances. I guess I could just restrict myself to family members though. In fact, The Wife would probably prefer that. ūüôā

Great New Jobs

As many of you know, I’m looking for a new job. My plan was to stay in the same field, but hey, if the right job comes along in another field, I might give it a try. cnn.com posted an article on “Some really odd jobs”. So sit back, relax, and help me sort through some of these to see if they might be suitable for me.

1. Breath odor evaluator

Not a big fan of the whole outsourcing or illegal immigrant labor thing, but maybe this is a job that Americans just won’t do.

2. Diener

What they do: Prepare cadavers for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.

For those Generation X and older, do you remember watching the opening credits to Quincy, M.E. in the 70s? Remember where Quincy was talking to the line-up of cops by¬†a cadaver. Then when he pulled the sheet off, the officers all fainted one-by-one. Yeah, that’s me, collapsing to the floor. (To reminisce on that opening, click here.)

4. Ocularist

What they do: In short, they paint artificial eyes. It sounds easier than it is, since as with real eyes, no two are exactly the same.

Wow, that sounds like a very interesting, rewarding career. I believe that I would enjoy this for tens of seconds before I quit.

5. Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker

What they do: Create underwear that protect against bad human gas for people who suffer from gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with various materials and filters to help remedy hydrogen sulfide gases, the main offender in foul smells.

I guess making it wouldn’t be so bad. I just don’t want to be the tester. I’d happily delegate that.

6. Beer tester

What they do: Taste — and spit out — beer all day to approve new and existing flavors.

Finally, a career right my alley–getting paid to drink taste beer all day. No boss, really, I promise to spit it all out.

7. Crack filler

This is wrong on so many levels, that I don’t even want to comment on it.¬†I try to keep this blog PG-13 or cleaner.

8. Ball tester

Well, I have no interest in being a tester. I would like to sign up to be a test subject depending upon the circumstances. (That’s still PG-13, right?)

9. Video game tester

What they do: For eight hours a day, five days a week, a group of males and females of all ages play video games. They repeat levels, games and characters, looking for any bugs and/or glitches in the software.

Sweetness! This might be the best one so far. I can sit on my butt, eat chips, chug Mountain Dew, and play. I love it!

10. Tampon tester

Pass.

11. Gold reclaimer

What they do: Scour old teeth for fillings, melting the gold from them with broken gold jewelry into tiny gold pellets, which is then re-sold to jewelers.

So I get to go whack old people and pull their teeth out? I mean, it sounds like a good way to relieve some stress, but are you sure it’s legal?

12. Dog sniffer

What they do: Once a week, they analyze the odor of dog’s breath to test the effect of their diet on their teeth. Breath is graded on a scale of zero to 10 and is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

“…musty, fungal, or decaying.” (shivers) Add this one to the illegal immigrant/outsource list.

13. Potato chip inspector

What they do: Search for over-cooked or clumped chips to discard as they come down the assembly line.

Mmmm…daddy like. I’ll check into this one also. Ooops…there’s another “defective” one (crunch).

14. Porta-potty servicer

What they do: Like regular restrooms, portable toilets need maintenance, too. Once a week, service workers clean these single-stall facilities to achieve certain standards of sanitation.

It’s really every little boy’s dream, though you’ll never get any of us to admit it: To drive around all day sucking the crap out of porta-potty tanks all over town…yeah.

17. Safe cracker

What they do: When combinations are lost or forgotten, safe crackers use their ears and fingers to open the safe.

I could do this, but only if my tool of choice could be dynamite.

19. Paper towel sniffer

What they do: Paper towel manufacturers prefer their products to be odorless before, during and after their use. Naturally, paper towel sniffers ensure that once a paper towel is used, there is no noticeable scent.

There seems to be a lot of demand for people to sniff things and rate the hideousness thereof. Outsource all of these, please.

20. Foley artist

What they do: Use whatever they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sound effects in films, like heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.

I don’t fancy myself an artist, but this actually sounds like fun.

Cheers to Obama

Barack Obama¬†is the son of a white American mother and a black Kenyan father. The Kenyan people are very proud of their “favorite son” and the success he is finding in American politics. They have actually taken to gathering in bars on primary nights to watch CNN while guzzling beer. Their favorite¬†beer is called Senator, but¬†they have¬†unofficially renamed it¬†Obama. The day after the latest primary, mountains of kegs could be seen outside of the local watering holes.

They love this beer because it is strong and cheap. Should Obama win, I think it would be entirely appropriate for us to drink Obama beer. We’ll need the strength of it to quickly drown our sorrows; and the cheapness since we’ll only be left with “change” in our pockets after taxes go through the roof.

Obama: Stop Escalating the Religious Rhetoric

According to an article¬†at cnn.com, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is aggressively battling an e-mail campaign falsely labeling him a Muslim. Unfortunately, I think his response to this “smear campaign” is a mistake. He is playing into the idea that there is a significant portion of the population that hates Muslims. He said:

“I think it ‘s very important for people not to buy into the kinds of dirty tricks that we’ve become so accustomed to in our politics, and people need to understand I’m not and never have been of the Muslim faith.”

“I think that those who are of the Muslim faith are deserving of respect and dignity, but to try and feed into this fear-mongering and try to question my faith commitments and my belief in Jesus Christ, I think is offensive.”

Calling someone¬†a Muslim is not a “dirty trick” nor does it “feed fear-mongering”. In this case, it is¬†simply a lie. His best course of action would have been to either ignore it or issue a simple denial. Unfortunately, his rhetoric here simply escalates this¬†to no good end. He may very well end up offending the Muslim community with¬†these remarks.

Here’s a bulletin to¬†Obama: This is the 21st century. The overwhelming major of people are not so stupid as to discriminate against someone based on their religion. I don’t care what religion you¬†practice. As long as you are a good, decent person and I agree with a good deal of your policies, I’m going to consider you. Religion will not, and should not, having any bearing.

Now THAT Was Awkward

CNN has a story on “Easy ways to exit awkward situations”. As usual, they have missed the mark. Thanks to the Dad In The Headlights Manners Department, we have some additional hints for you.

Here are some tips on how to gracefully and painlessly remove yourself from sticky social situations.

Escape a dull conversation at a party

“Politeness requires seven or eight minutes” of conversation, says Letitia Baldrige, a former social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy and the author of “Taste: Acquiring What Money Can’t Buy.” After that, you can say good-bye to the bore.

You’ve got to be kidding me. 7 or 8 minutes? I’d be ready to commit murder or suicide by then. How about I give you 10 seconds to be interesting before I bolt?

At a cocktail party, it’s fine to excuse yourself to get a drink or food, help the hostess, or make a phone call.

Or my personal favorite: “Oh geez, I need to run and change my Depends.”

Another tried-and-true tactic? Introduce the bore to someone else, excuse yourself, and scram. This way, you avoid leaving the bore stranded, and he becomes someone else’s problem.

Well isn’t that sweet.

Escape a telemarketer

A polite “Thanks, I’m not interested” is your best response to unwanted calls.

This jerk interrupted my dinner and I’m supposed to be polite? I don’t think so. Below are some better ideas. Have some fun with it!

  • Ask them, “Why don’t you get a real job and stop annoying people?”
  • Put the phone on the table and walk away
  • Blow an air horn into the receiver
  • Talk with a think accent and pretend to have difficulty understanding

“The caller will probably come back with a benefit statement or a probing question” — such as Are you aware this will cut your insurance bill in half?

I like to respond to this with: “I have more money than I can ever hope to spend, so this would actually be harmful to me. I actually burn $100 bills in my fireplace.”

Escape a stumper

How do you say “I don’t know” without sounding, well, dumb? Especially in a nerve-racking setting, like a job interview? Be direct, says Sue Shellenbarger, a career-advice columnist at the Wall Street Journal: Just say, “That’s a great question. I’d like to think about it and get back to you.

“If putting off the question isn’t an option (you’re a keynote speaker at an event; you’re being interviewed on TV), employ the Ted Kennedy strategy, says Anne Fisher, who writes Ask Annie, a career-advice column for CNNMoney.com: “Say, ‘That’s a good question, but an even more interesting question is….'” Then talk about what you do know. “It’s worked for Kennedy,” says Fisher. “He’s been elected eight times.”

So now I’m supposed to take my cue on manners from a drunken, lifetime politician that was involved in the questionable death of a passenger in a car he was driving? I don’t think that’s very good advice.

How to escape a spat with your significant other

So now you’re advocating avoiding¬†problems rather than working through them? I’m not so sure that’s good advice.

He started it. Well, maybe you did. Either way, you don’t want to talk about it anymore.

That’s correct. Pipe down, because I don’t want to talk about it.

“When we’re in a ‘flooded’ emotional state, access to the part of the brain where logical thinking resides is inhibited, and IQ drops noticeably — perhaps by as much as 15 points,” says Ransburg. “This is when we say things we wish we could take back.” So call a time-out. Typically, your logic will return in about 20 minutes, at which point you can resume the discussion in a productive way.

What kind of twisted mess is this? So I’m as dumb as a box of rocks when I argue, therefore I need to push the pause button on my argument and I will be smarter in 20 minutes? I think this writer is the one with IQ problems.

If you can’t call a time-out mid-spat, practice with tiny disagreements, suggests Ransburg, when you’re both less likely to take things personally.

So they want me to get in “tiny” disagreements with my wife so I can practice how to pause an argument? What variety of meth are you on?

How to escape a story repeater

Your father-in-law is telling you that story about foiling the pickpocket in Moscow — for the fifth time. Do you let him know you’ve heard it before and can tell it better than he does?

Absolutely not. I just let him rattle on. I nod and say “mmm–hhhhh” when appropriate and think about something else. And hope that he doesn’t ask a question.

“If the story is longer than a minute and the two of you are alone, do interrupt to tell him that you’ve heard — and enjoyed — that story once before,” says Margaret Shepherd, a coauthor of “The Art of Civilized Conversation.”

I really don’t think this is a good idea. It will only hurt his feelings.

Try: “You had everyone in stitches when you told that story last Christmas.” No need to add that you’ve heard the story for the last four Christmases. “Segue to a related topic,” suggests Shepherd, and if possible, draw in another person to freshen up the conversation.

So I can’t say what’s really on my mind? “Shut the pie-hole you senile freak!” Oh yeah, that would contradict my goal of not hurting feelings.

With older people whose memory may be slipping or when you’re in a group, though, it can be cruel to interrupt, says author Letitia Baldrige: “Patiently listen and wait for a chance to change the subject. If they’re thrilled to be telling the story, dismissing them too suddenly is like smooshing an ant.

“Like smooshing an ant? Ummm, that would kill the ant. I don’t think dismissing them will actually kill them.

How To Survive A Nasty Neighbor

CNN posted an article on how to survive a nasty neighbor. In it, they provided 5 tips for keeping the peace. The tips were great and all, but I have some ideas for improvement.

1. Know your neighbors. Upon moving in, knock on doors, introduce yourself and establish a rapport.

Excellent. Scare the hell out of them before you’ve even got the moving van unloaded. I recommend picking up about 20 dogs and cats from the pound and letting them out as soon as you arrive. Then bring the kids (dressed up like gangsters) with you to introduce yourselves.

2. Bring problems up immediately. Don’t delay.

Yes, bring up problems early and often. And if¬†there aren’t¬†actually¬†any problems, make something up. Mess with their minds.

3. Ask around. Most problems bother more than one neighbor. Gather support to build your case, and consider talking to the offending party as a group.

Exactly. Work the mob into a frenzy to terrorize the neighbor. Go for strength in numbers.

4. Be nice. Bring your neighbor cookies or a bottle of wine. It sets the stage for an amicable discussion.

Great idea. And don’t forget to lace the food with poison. If you can’t scare them out of the neighborhood, off them.

5. Be proactive. Try to deal with conflict on your own before taking things to the next level.

I agree. We definitely don’t want the police involved‚Ķparticularly because of #4.