Idaho Special Edition Barbie Dolls

You may recall a previous post in which we announced that Mattel was making special edition Barbies for Oregon. Just in time for Christmas, we are now pleased to announce the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Idaho market.

Nampa Barbie

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar farm home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Melba Barbie


The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching feedstore outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately for traveling.

Garden City Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Boise Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Challis Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder and no teeth. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sun Valley Barbie


This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built high rise condo.

Buhl Barbie


This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Jerome Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Jerome Barbie


This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Twin Falls Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Kuna Barbie


This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Idaho Falls Barbie


She’s perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings.

 

Also don’t miss Oregon Special Edition Barbie Dolls.

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50 Random Things About Me

Thanks to John via Chris for this one.

Here’s a meme with 50 seemingly random questions that I will answer with my expert writing abilities.

  1. What do you add to your coffee? I love the smell of coffee but generally need creamer to withstand the taste. Actually as I age and my taste buds die off, black coffee is starting to work for me.
  2. What are you reading now? I have kids. When do I have time to read? During vacation next week, I plan on reading Who in Hell is Wanda Fuca? by G.M. Ford.
  3. Do you own a gun?  No, two (evil laughter).
  4. Are you registered to vote? Absolutely. If you don’t want to participate in our democracy, shut up if you don’t like what’s going on.
  5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Doctors freak me out. I have to lay down when they draw blood out of fear of passing out.
  6. What do you think of hot dogs? I love them, but don’t ever tell me what’s in them or how they are made. 
  7. Favorite Christmas Song? No contest. Bing Crosby’s White Christmas
  8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Mountain Dew
  9. Can you do push ups? I don’t know. It’s better that I not try…I might be embarrased.
  10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m such a freak. My first girlfriend’s name was Lee. And this was in college (laugh amongst yourselves). The kicker is that I turned her into a lesbian. Yes, I was the last guy she dated before switching teams.
  11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring is my favorite (and only) jewelry I wear.
  12. Favorite hobby? I have kids. When do I have time for hobbies? I guess the closest thing I have to a hobby is blogging.
  13. Do you work with people who idolize you? (Dies laughing and is unable to answer)
  14. Do you have ADD? I do not believe so.
  15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I’ll answer tomorrow.
  16. What’s your Middle name? Too paranoid to answer. You might track me down.
  17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. How can I find a way to be on vacation permanently? Pizza rules. Beer rules.
  18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Gas, t-shirt, dinner at Subway.
  19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Diet Mountain Dew, water, beer.
  20. Current worry right now?  Being successful in my new job.
  21. What side do you dress to? I’m not really sure what this means. Left-right? Gay-straight? I don’t know how to answer.
  22. Favorite place to be? The Oregon Coast
  23. How did you bring in the New Year? I watched New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with the Younger Daughter.
  24. Where would you like to go? Hawaii
  25. Name three people who will complete this. No
  26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? I want everyone to play along. Do it.
  27. What color shirt are you wearing? Dark blue
  28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?.  No, I’m not a chick.
  29. Can you whistle?  Yes
  30. Favorite color? Red
  31. Could you be a pirate? Unlikely
  32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Our of respect for my family members, I do not sing in the shower.
  33. Favorite girls name?  Heather
  34. Favorite boy’s name? Jeff
  35. What’s in your pocket right now?  Cell phone, keys, and $0.50
  36. Last thing that made you laugh? I looked in the mirror.
  37. Best bed sheets as a child? Star Wars
  38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I sprained my ankle so badly when I was a junior in high school that I was on crutches for several day.
  39. Do you love where you live? I like it, but don’t love it.
  40. How many TVs do you have in your house?  5, but only 2 are used regularly.
  41. Who is your loudest friend?  Probably John (sorry John)
  42. How many dogs do you have? Two
  43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Not that I’m aware of.
  44. What are the most fun things you ever did? I don’t know.
  45. What are your favorite books? Refer back to #2.
  46. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms
  47. Favorite Team? Portland Trailblazers
  48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? I don’t want a funeral. Please have a party and laugh about the good times we had.
  49. What were you doing at 12 AM? On the computer when I should have been sleeping.
  50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Morning comes much to early in the day. Can we start it at about noon?

Oregon Special Edition Barbie Dolls

If you are not familiar with Oregon, some of the humor of this post may be lost on you. However, you should be able to identify with areas in your own state where these special edition Barbies could be easily adapted. Feel free to create your own and post to your blog. By the way, for reference, I lived my first 12 years in Lebanon, Oregon and had relatives in Sweet Home. Now you’ll understand what I’m up against just based on my early years.

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Oregon market:

Lake Oswego Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Pioneer Square Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
 

Beaverton Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Woodburn Barbie

This recently paroled Bilingual Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Bend Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Sweet Home Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Lebanon Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Sweet Home Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top; also available with a mobile home.

Eugene Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Eugene Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

North Portland Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant dolls from two different races. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the second infant.

Also don’t miss, Idaho Special Edition Barbie Dolls

Bathroom Rules For Men

We were having dinner with our best friends last night and after several people came back from the restroom, we started discussing public restrooms and how people use and misuse them. I know, this is already sounding disturbing: discussing bathrooms at the dinner table in a restaurant. However, the discussion got me thinking about some unwritten rules about using a public restroom that I have followed for years. So now, whether you want them or not, I am now publishing the rules. The background on my reasoning for a couple of these rules is explained in a previous post, Men and Public Restrooms. You may want to read that post first if you have not already done so.

Talking

  • Talking is not allowed while using a toilet or urinal. The only exception is a life-threatening medical emergency. Even then, it’s preferable to get out of the restroom before talking.
  • Talking is acceptable while using the sink, but it must be with someone else. No talking to yourself.
  • Talking is tolerated, but highly discouraged, while standing in line
  • Cell phone usage is not allowed anywhere in the restroom (see life-threatening emergency exception above)
  • For purposes of these rules, the definition of talking is expanded to include: whistling, humming, singing, moaning, and groaning–basically any sound generated from the neck up.

Flushing

  • Always flush when you are finished
  • It’s acceptable to pre-flush a toilet if the last person was not considerate enough to do so. However, you don’t need to pre-flush a urinal. I’m pretty certain your urine combined with someone else’s will not create a toxic cloud or cause an explosion. Save the water–but flush after you are done.
  • Don’t flush with your foot. There are way more germs on your shoe than the handle. You’re are just compounding the problem. Plus, you should be washing your hands right after, so if there are any germs they’ll be washed away.

Stalls

  • A casual glance to see if someone is in a stall is fine, but no up-close peering (Senator Craig). The best test is a gentle push on the door to see if it is locked.
  • If all stalls but the handicap one is in use, use the handicap stall so long as someone in a wheelchair is not in line behind you. There are no fines for using a handicap stall.
  • Always lock the door
  • Unless the seat is obviously messy, there’s no need for cleaning. I’ve listened to some several-minute-long rituals of spraying Lysol, scrubbing with toilet paper, flushing, and applying a seat cover. This in a professional office building where the facilities are well maintained. It’s an unnecessary waste of time and money. Think about it, butt cheeks might very well be the cleanest part of the body. You take a shower, then apply a couple layers of clothing. There’s not much opportunity for a lot of germs on the part of the body that touches the toilet seat. Items touched by hands are exponentially dirtier than a toilet seat. (Great, now I’m probably going to have co-workers spraying everything in sight with Lysol.)
  • Never pick up paper off the floor. I think this one is common sense, but I threw it in for Senator Craig’s benefit.
  • If you are out of paper, do not ask for someone to pass paper to you (refer to the talking rules)

Urinals

  • If all urinals are in use and a stall is available, use it.
  • Always look straight ahead
  • Both hands must always remain “down there”. No hands on the hips, behind the head, or behind the back. No arms resting on the wall.

So there you have it. You may want to print this out for future reference. That way, if you ever have any questions, you’ll have the answers right there with you. I may consider creating credit card-sized laminated guides for a reasonable price if there is enough demand. I’d also love to hear if you have any additional rules I should consider adding.

Flip This Phone

We’ve long had an understanding with the girls that we would only provide basic “lifeline” cell phone service for them. That is, they can have any phone that is free and we will provide basic service for them. They have to pay for any phone upgrades, text messaging packages, minute overages, etc. The Older Daughter has been wanting to upgrade her phone for quite some time. She did some research and fell in love with the LG Voyager phone offered by Verizon. Now it is definitely a sweet phone and may give the Apple iPhone a run for its money. The full retail price of the phone is $469, though we have some discounts available that take it down to about $300.

At 14 and with no steady job, she obviously doesn’t have a lot of money. However, she wants to spend every penny she saved from some work last summer to buy this phone. While The Wife and I don’t necessarily think this is the best decision, we think she is old enough to make spending choices on money she has earned. So we headed on down to the local Verizon store. This is an experience that I rate right up there with going to the DMV. After about a 15 minute wait (okay, so it’s not as bad as the DMV), we make it up to the counter to speak with a friendly Verizon representative. As it turns out, we pick up the last Voyager available in the area. Just two days after its introduction, the phone is already sold out.

On the drive home, I hatched a plan to profit from the short supply of a hot new phone. I couldn’t convince The Older Daughter to part with her phone to make a nice profit. So I went out to Verizon’s website and confirmed that I could order another phone online for $300. Then I went over to eBay and found that the phones were going anywhere from $450 to $550. How sweet is that? So I ordered up a phone and setup an auction to sell it. Three days later the auction closed and the final price was $575! After various fees, I pocketed around $250 for just a few minutes work. This comes really close to my dream of finding a way to make tons of money with no risk, no investment, and no actual work. However, to my dismay, I was unable to purchase any more phones for the discounted price. Any further purchases would be for the full retail price of $469. So my dreams of becoming a billionaire by flipping Voyager phones were dashed. But hey, I was able to pick up a few extra dollars of spending money. That never hurts this time of year.