I Want To Be Mr. Potato Head

Okay, strap yourself in. We’re headed to a particularly wacky outpost of Bryan’s brain. Just a fair warning.

So I want to be like Mr. Potato Head. Why? Well, let me back up and give you a little background. I am really not very comfortable sleeping on my back or stomach, so the only choice is my side (well, I guess I could try standing or sleeping on my head, but I have doubts on the viability of those options). However, when I sleep on my side, my arms get in the way and that’s not always very comfortable either. The other problem is that my arms will fall asleep. It sucks. So here’s what I want: detachable arms. I’d have two hooks on my bedroom wall. When it was time for bed, I’d turn sideways and put my arm in the hook, then pull away from the wall snapping the arm out. Then turn 180 degrees and repeat. Presto! Happy, comfortable sleeping on my side. In the morning, I get up and reverse the process. Go up to my arm and press my body onto it to snap it back on. Sweet!

Now I could stop here, but I thought of some other really useful ideas along the same lines. I mean, I want lots of detachable parts.

  • Eyes: You know how sometimes you get dust or something in your eyes and cannot for the life of you get it out. With my plan, you just pop the offending eye out, wash it off, and pop it back in. Got bad eye-site? Go to the optometrist, get updated eyes, then just pop them in. No glasses, no contacts. Sweet!
  • Ears: Got a bunch of wax in your ears? No sweat. Snap the ear off, wash thoroughly, then snap it back on. Bad hearing? Go to the doctor and get new ears, and snap them on. Sweet!
  • Nose: So you know how when you have a cold, you’ll wake up in the morning and have a bunch of dried snot caked inside your nose? You should know the drill by now: snap it off, wash it out, snap it back on. Sweet!
  • Legs: I have a heck of a time sitting on the floor. I’m not comfortable sitting Indian style and if I fold my leg under my butt, they quickly fall asleep. So I want to be able to snap my legs off at the knee and put them aside while I sit on the floor. Sweet!
  • Head: If we could come up with a way to sustain life without a heart, I’d just detach my head from my body and discard the body. It’s kind of fat and starting to suffer from aches and pains. A body is kind of burden, so I would be content to just be a head. Then I could hire someone to carry me around. I could actually become the laziest person on the planet. Sweet!

I can probably think of others, but this is enough for now. If I could just have these, I’d be loving life!

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I’m The Dumbest Person On The Planet

I think my last brain cell just died…at least in the eyes of the Older Daughter.

A few weeks ago, The Older Daughter wanted to go to a movie with some friends on a Saturday night. They had some time constraints, so she needed to know the times the movie would be shown. I located the newspaper and found the movie listings. I showed her the listings and had this conversation:

Me: “Hey, I found the show times for that movie. It looks like it’s not showing at the time you wanted to go.”

Older Daughter: “Well those are not all the show times.”

Me: “Yes these are all the times. The want to sell movie tickets, so they list all of the show times.”

Older Daughter: “You don’t know that.”

I’ve been around for 39 years and thought I knew how to navigate a movie listing in the newspaper, but I guess not. I’m the dumbest dummy around.