Al-Qaeda Mice?

Mice are simply a fact of life on a ranch. It’s not a matter of if you’ll have them–it’s a matter of how well you can keep them under control. Our secret weapon is a little firebrand Calico we like to call Sammie. She is our only indoor-outdoor cat–all the others are indoors only.

Apparently the mice in our area are members of the Al-Qaeda rodent division (wait, isn’t that redundant?). This is the only way I can explain the unspeakable torture that Sammie inflicts upon these creatures before finally killing them. I can only guess that she is extracting crucial intelligence data on impending terror attacks from them. I mean, she the feline answer to Jack Bauer.

She is extremely patient in her work. She’ll sit or lie in wait for long periods of time in an area where she suspects the enemy to be hiding. When one finally comes out of hiding, she pounces on it and picks it up with her mouth. The tooth punctures inflict mortal wounds upon the mouse.

However, as I mentioned, she doesn’t finish it off right away. She’ll then drop it back on the ground. The wounded mouse will struggle and try to escape. If it gets too far away, she’ll attack again and inflict more wounds.

After awhile, it may get a foot or two away, but then stop. The injuries are just too severe. Once the mouse stops moving, Sammie will go over and bat at it with her paw to wake it up. This cycle is repeated several times as she gleans more and more data to help prevent the next big mouse terrorist attack. After a several cycles of torture, the mouse finally succumbs to its injuries. Then it’s on to the next victim.

Thanks to the great patriot Sammie for protecting our freedom and way of life from the Al-Qaeda mice.

Murder, He Wrote

Every once in awhile, when I’m driving down the road, I decide to go on a murderous rampage. In particular, this happens when someone doesn’t signal a turn, cuts me off, drives 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, etc. When things like this happen, I stalk the offending party. I will follow them until they make a turn or go around a curve. Then I bump the back of their car so that they spin out of control and slide off the road. It’s a bonus if there happens to be some kind of drop off; that way, the car rolls down the embankment and the folks are killed in a spectacular, explosive fireball. It’s a very satisfying form of revenge.

Today, this jerk passed me and cut me off. I was pissed. I put my road rage hat on and followed for a couple of miles. Soon, we were coming up to a curve. Even better, there was a nice drop off on the other side of the curve, so I would get my ultimate reward of the fiery crash. I zoomed up on the car–ready to inflict my punishment. Just before I was to hit the car, to my horror I saw a Baby on Board sign in the back window. Crap. I may be a killer, but I’m not a baby killer. I backed off and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Seriously folks, why do people waste their money on a stupid little sign (most likely made in China by the way) announcing to me that they have a human less than a year old in the car? Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. But when I’m driving or doing anything else, I don’t put any less value on the lives of people that are not babies. All life, young and old, is precious.

But wait, maybe we’re on to something here. Let’s turn this program around. Let’s mandate signs for those that we do want to exterminate. (Pay no attention to the fact that this contradicts my previous statement about all life being precious). That way, they are clearly identified so that we can run them off the road to die in fiery crashes. Here are some good starter ideas:

  • Child Molester On Board
  • Ax Murderer On Board
  • Al-Qaeda Member On Board

What do you think? Yes, the good ideas to improve life in the USA just never stop here at DITH.