Paul Harvey: 1918 – 2009

We lost a radio broadcasting legend on Saturday. Paul Harvey died at the age of 90. I remember listening to him while eating my breakfast as a kid or riding in the car to school. Throughout my adult life, my ability to listen has come and gone as his show has moved to different stations and my schedule has shifted to different times. But he never failed bringing a smile to my face or keeping me on the edge my seat with “The Rest of the Story.” He had a distinctive voice and delivery method that will never be matched. He will be missed.

Punday, March 1st

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Driving Mr. Bryan

Sign seen by the side of the road: “Drive carefully” Crap. There go my plans to be reckless and get my road rage out of my system.

Customer Service?

I was at the self check-out at Albertsons this afternoon. I looked over and saw a paper cut-out of a hand. On it was written “Good customer service? Give us 5!” You’re kidding me, right? I’m serving myself and you want a good customer service rating? Rather than giving them 5, they deserve 1 (and with the finger of my choosing).

England Swings

I’m not sure what’s in the water lately, but I’ve got two friends on different ends of the country considering a move to England. The way things are going in the US, maybe it’s not a bad idea. I think England would be a blast.

Anyway, in their honor, here is England Swings by Roger Miller.

Posted in Life, Music. 4 Comments »

Girl Scout Cookies = Pure Evil

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when impossibly cute kids lurk in the shadows only to spring out and hit us up to buy those darn Girl Scout cookies. They are addictive and wildly over-priced, but we buy them anyway. We have to. We just can’t say no to those faces. It’s a good thing too. What you don’t know is that if you don’t buy the cookies, these cute kids will quickly turn evil and do unspeakable harm to you when you least expect it.

So here they sit on my desk: a box of Samoas and a box of Thin Mints. The boxes remain unopened. This is because they are so good, that if open the box, I will eat every last one of them in one sitting. I can hear the cookies calling for me. Evil things. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. Pure evil.

Punday, February 22nd

What does a honeybee call its hive? Comb, sweet home.

Posted in Humor, Punday. Tags: , , , . 5 Comments »

Socks: 1989 – 2009

Farewell to Socks, the First Cat during the Clinton administration. He died yesterday just short of 20 years old. Here is a picture of him from 1994 addressing the press. I love this picture.

SOCKS WHITE HOUSE

My Wants

Okay, I couldn’t resist creating a “sister” meme to the previous one I just posted. This one addresses wants instead of needs.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] wants” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan wants..Pringles (very, very true…I love them)

Bryan wants..to be teacher (not really, the pay kind of blows and I don’t have the patience)

Bryan wants..Congress (only if I can add “to burn in hell” to the phrase)

Bryan wants..my penis (no, I’ll kindly thank you to keep it to yourself)

Bryan wants..to be an MLG pro (Major League Gaming pro? hmmm…now that would be a fun job)

Bryan wants..to buy you some boots (wrong again…buy your own damn boots you freeloader)

Bryan wants..whisk Amy away (quite true, but The Wife would not take too kindly to it)

Bryan wants..your gas money (so hand it over or I’ll beat you up)

Bryan wants..his “Eleventh Hour” back (actually, I didn’t even know it was gone)

Bryan wants..to Bond with films (okay)

My Needs

This meme is coming at me from several places, but I’ll give John the official nod on it.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! You’re also supposed to tag 10 other people. I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan needs…a top (ummm nope…already got one thanks)

Bryan needs…money (word)

Bryan needs…a job (got one of those already…guess a second one could be okay)

Bryan needs…help urgently (quick, before I die right here in front of you)

Bryan needs…a title for his homepage (I rather like the one I have, thanks anyway)

Bryan needs…to ink me ASAP (what, now you want me to give you a tattoo?)

Bryan needs…a job (sorry, I draw the limit at 2 jobs)

Bryan needs…survive (yes, I would very much like that)

Bryan needs…a pad (well, I wouldn’t mind a nicer one to be honest, but the economy is tough right now)

Bryan needs…Johnson (sicko)

Fun Car Gadget

You may recall from a previous post that I would like to develop a small tactical nuke to take out drivers that piss me off. I’m still working on that, but have had another idea in my mind for quite some time: an LED sign for the rear car window. That way, I can let the person behind me know what I really think. Well, as it turns out, someone stole my idea. For $60, you can get a 10″ by 2″ LED message board that mounts in the rear window. This is fantastic!

I might just have to get one. I was sitting here tonight thinking of what messages I would like to program in. After all, it can take up to 98. Here are a few I thought of:

  • The 60s are over hippy freak
  • Get the frick out of the left lane
  • Buckle up your kid, moron
  • Nice headlights
  • Your gas hatch is open
  • Ha, ha, passed you
  • Have a good day
  • Life sucks
  • Why do you want your dog dead?
  • In a wacky mood
  • Bet you can’t catch me
  • Slow poke

Toothpick Guy

What the heck is the story with guys walking around with a toothpick hanging out of their mouths? It’s dumb. Those guys piss me off. Either stop it or I’ll start walking around with a spoon hanging out of mine. It’s no less dumb. So there.

Posted in Rants. Tags: , , . 4 Comments »

Punday, February 15th

A man told ten horrible pun jokes to his friends, but none of them made the friends laugh. No pun in ten did.

Posted in Humor, Punday. Tags: , , , . 2 Comments »

Greetings

Why can’t we just say hello and goodbye to each other? You know, like the good ‘ole days? But no, we have all these “creative” greetings that make little sense and just serve to piss me off. Let’s have a look at some of them.

“What’s up?”: Okay, moron. If we’re outside, it’s the sky. If we’re inside, it’s the ceiling.

“How are you?”: I know you really don’t want an honest answer to that, so don’t ask. If you do ask, expect me to spend the next 10 minutes detailing every negative thing going on in my life. So there.

“Later”: Last I checked, you are not God. You cannot just decree that it is later. Nor can you know for sure that we will ever see each other again.

“Take care”: Wow, I’m glad you said that. I had planned on going out and doing something horribly reckless and endangering the lives of myself and others. Thankfully you have talked me out of it.

“Have a good one”: Thanks you stingy bastard. I can only have a single good one? What if I want three good ones? Not on your watch, eh?

“Godspeed”: You really think highly of yourself if you can tell God what to do. I, for one, don’t think he’ll do something just because you tell him to.

“Yo”: You’re kidding, right? You have the IQ of a gnat. One syllable, two letters. Pathetic.

Okay, I guess that’s enough ranting for now. Let just keep it hello and goodbye, okay? Thanks and take care.

Punday, February 8th

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

Punday, February 1st

We have a traveler trailer. It goes where it’s towed.