Aaaaagh! I recently had another frustrating supermarket shopping experience. It was quite similar to the Grocery Shopper From Hell tale I told several months back. I’ve had it with people too stupid to efficiently navigate a grocery store. Therefore the DITH Supreme Council has handed down several rulings–effective immediately.
Checks are now forbidden: Really? A check? Come on, at least update yourself to the 1990s and get a check card. It’s simple, quick, easy-to-use, and secure. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to painstakingly fill out your check and then the register before finally handing the check to the clerk. Then the clerk has to run it through the crazy check validating machine to make sure it’s legit. I bet that I’ve cumulatively spent 5 years of my life waiting just because people are too backwards to use a check card.
Cash use is severely restricted: Give me a break! Cash is even more ancient than checks. What, did you pull some cash out of your mattress for this shopping trip? However, never let it be said that I’m not tolerant. I’ll allow the use of cash with some restrictions. Supermarkets can still accept cash, but only paper money–no coins whatsoever. Purchases will be rounded up to the nearest dollar. I’m not about to stand around while you figure out if you have the correct change in your purse or pocket and/or have the clerk count change back to you. One exception: supermarkets can allow coinage if they have a separate “Cash Only” line. Regardless, shoppers will be encouraged to shamelessly ridicule cash users.
Middle-of-the-aisle stopping is prohibited: There’s nothing more frustrating than to have the person ahead of you stop their cart in the middle of the aisle. Common courtesy would call for moving as far to the right as humanly possible when you stop. However, the absence of common courtesy has necessitated this mandate. Violation is punishable by summary execution.
10 items or less means what it says: Not even one item over is allowed. Once again, violation is punishableby immediate, torturous, painful death.
Thanks to the DITH Supreme Council mandates, you’ll be able to once again enjoy shopping.