Grocery Shopping Rules

Aaaaagh! I recently had another frustrating supermarket shopping experience. It was quite similar to the Grocery Shopper From Hell tale I told several months back. I’ve had it with people too stupid to efficiently navigate a grocery store. Therefore the DITH Supreme Council has handed down several rulings–effective immediately.

Checks are now forbidden: Really? A check? Come on, at least update yourself to the 1990s and get a check card. It’s simple, quick, easy-to-use, and secure. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to painstakingly fill out your check and then the register before finally handing the check to the clerk. Then the clerk has to run it through the crazy check validating machine to make sure it’s legit. I bet that I’ve cumulatively spent 5 years of my life waiting just because people are too backwards to use a check card.

Cash use is severely restricted: Give me a break! Cash is even more ancient than checks. What, did you pull some cash out of your mattress for this shopping trip? However, never let it be said that I’m not tolerant. I’ll allow the use of cash with some restrictions. Supermarkets can still accept cash, but only paper money–no coins whatsoever. Purchases will be rounded up to the nearest dollar. I’m not about to stand around while you figure out if you have the correct change in your purse or pocket and/or have the clerk count change back to you. One exception: supermarkets can allow coinage if they have a separate “Cash Only” line. Regardless, shoppers will be encouraged to shamelessly ridicule cash users.

Middle-of-the-aisle stopping is prohibited: There’s nothing more frustrating than to have the person ahead of you stop their cart in the middle of the aisle. Common courtesy would call for moving as far to the right as humanly possible when you stop. However, the absence of common courtesy has necessitated this mandate. Violation is punishable by summary execution.

10 items or less means what it says: Not even one item over is allowed. Once again, violation is punishableby immediate, torturous, painful death.

Thanks to the DITH Supreme Council mandates, you’ll be able to once again enjoy shopping.


5 Responses to “Grocery Shopping Rules”

  1. John Says:

    I’d like to add one more thing to the ’10 Items or less’ register, program the machine so it will ONLY SCAN that number of times.
    Oh, I’m sorry. I know you still have 7 items on the counter and the guy standing next in line ONLY has 2 items. But I’ve scanned 10 items, and this IS the 10 items or less register!

  2. jonsquared Says:

    Hear, hear! or is it Here, here! Anyway, I agree with these Supreme Council mandates. I would like to suggest the First Amendment, and that is to also punish uber-social cashiers who chat-up people to death. I don’t really want to hear the last time you cooked bacon and it burned. Just scan me the effin Jimmy Dean and get on to the next item. Sheesh.

  3. Allison Says:

    Can I add that there should be no sitting in front of a particular cereal section contemplating for hours…especially when it’s in front of my beloved Grape-Nuts. How hard can the decision be? Make your selection and move on.

    BTW, my husband tends to do most of the grocery shopping, as I have some issues with patience.

  4. Bryan Says:

    John: Great idea!

    Jon & Allison: Good ideas also. The Supreme Council will take them under advisement and possible issue an amended ruling.

  5. smysore Says:

    Ditto to everyone. Although I admit, the first two scenarios irritate me much more than the others. And I may have been a perpetrator of the third offense. Not me, but when I go with my kids, the 7 yr old likes to cart around the 2.5 yr old and I do see them stopped in the middle of the aisle despite my many pleadings to move over.

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