Punday, June 1st

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

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Farmer Brown, at Your Service

As you may know, we have approximately 5 billion animals. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. I believe the Older Daughter took the time to count and found that the number was 26.

Anyway, since we have so much free time on our hands, we decided to start a small garden this year. A few weeks ago, I planted a couple of tomato starts courtesy of a friend who had way too many. Funny thing is, The Wife is the only one in the household that likes tomatoes. She even asked why I was planting them. My reply was, “can’t we do something nice just for you?”

The Younger Daughter and I went out this evening and planted a hill of cucumbers and 3 hills of pumpkins. So the tomatoes and cucumbers will be for our use and any we’ll give any extras to friends. With the pumpkins, we’ll keep a couple but hope to sell the rest. You know, another attempt to make this ranch pay its own way. It won’t be any sort of huge windfall, but every little bit helps.

We have talked about having a garden for years, but this is the first time we actually followed through. So I have no idea if this thing will actually work. I mean, I took a look at my thumb and it is not the least bit green. Good or bad, you’ll see and here the results right here. Stay tuned…

Grumpy Old Man

Am I becoming a grumpy old man? You be the judge.

Okay, I have no problem with the Muscular Dystrophy Association–in fact I have given money on and off over the years. I also have no problem with firefighters. These folks are heroes that are always there and stand ready to risk their lives to save ours. I have no problem with streets–they are a wonderful tool to get us from point A to point B.

What I can’t stand is the one time every year where these three wonderful entities converge to piss me off. Yes, it’s the annual Fill the Boot campaign. This is where thousands of firefighters across the country take to the streets to clog up traffic and endlessly badger motorists to throw some money into some smelly old boot for MDA.

How can this be legal? Who else can stand out in the middle of the street, beg for money, and get away with it? That’s right, no one. But apparently law enforcement looks the other way because it’s the firefighters. For like the last 5 years, I’ve threatened to complain to law enforcement to get this harrassment stopped. But I never have. And I probably won’t this year. And probably never will. I’ll just keep complaining to anyone else that will listen.

The Real Story Behind High Oil Prices

I’m getting tired of the knuckleheads on Capitol Hill wasting time parading oil executives into hearing rooms to pummel them over profits every week rather than actually solving the problem. Isn’t this still America? Aren’t we still a capitalist nation? A quick lesson on the purpose of a business: to make money. Yes, it’s that simple. The purpose is no greater or less than that. We should be cheering their profits.

Let’s say I were to grant you that a corporation could make “too much” money (I won’t, but let’s say I did). The oil industry has a profit margin well below the average of all industries. The reason for the huge profits in absolute numbers is simply the fact that it is the largest industry in the world. It would be like Joe’s Bar & Grill complaining that Applebee’s makes too much in comparison.

Anyway, let’s move on. Let’s take a look at what the mental midgets in Washington have done to address the issue of high oil prices:

  • They have made ANWR off limits to drilling
  • They forbid drilling off of the Florida and California coasts
  • They will not allow leases for drilling in the Gulf while China and Venezuela have signed leases
  • They are shutting down oil fields in Colorado
  • They won’t allow shale oil field development in some Western states
  • The EPA just added polar bear to the protected list even though their numbers have increased substantially. Oh yeah, and the polar bears are in the same area where we need to drill for oil.
  • They passed legislation allowing us to sue OPEC–I’m sure that won’t piss them off and cause them to cut off our oil.
  • There have been rumblings of a windfall profits tax (even though I pointed out earlier that they are below average in their profit margins). Trust me, increasing a company’s expenses, will not lead to lower prices.
  • All 3 presidential candidates have promised to pass cap and trade legislation (to fight the phantom global warming problem). The EPA estimates that this will increase the price of gasoline by $1.50 per gallon–other say it could be more like $5.00 per gallon.
  • They have not allowed the construction of a new refinery in over 30 years.
  • They will not allow the deployment of coal-to-oil technology. We are the Saudi Arabia of coal and could be energy independent with this technology.
  • They won’t reduce the federal gas tax–not even for the summer.

And they’re asking the oil executives why prices are so high? Stop the political grandstanding and provide real solutions folks.

Cats and Chainsaws

The DITH art department always strives to bring you cutting edge material that you just won’t see anywhere else. The latest innovation: cats and chainsaws. We searched the Internet for tens of seconds and couldn’t find anyone else covering this vital discipline of creative photography. So, here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Punday, May 25th

I loved listening to the Dr. Demento show as a teen. The parody and comedy songs he plays are the perfect fit for my wacky brand of humor. One of my favorites is Wet Dream by Kip Adotta. It is the ultimate pun in the form of a song. If you like puns at all, you have to check it out.

A Beautiful Day on the Ranch

As if having a birth wasn’t enough, it was also just an all-around beautiful day. The temperature was perfect and we got lots of work done. Of course, I’d rather just sit on my butt, but it was a satisfyingly productive day. The bonus was the skies. The clouds were amazing. They almost appeared to be too crisp and perfect–like they were animated.

In the evening, we were treated to a great sunset:

Awesome day!

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It’s a Boy!

You may recall from a previous post that we acquired a very pregnant miniature donkey a couple of weeks ago. We had anticipated her giving birth any day, but it had drug on almost 2 weeks. Well, The Wife and I went out to feed the animals this morning and she remarked that it would be funny if we walked around the corner and saw a new baby. I poo-pooed that thought and I questioned if the donkey was really pregnant rather than just very fat–maybe we were duped by the people we bought her from.

Well, sure enough, Cleo had given birth to a bouncing baby boy overnight. Judging from the birthing scene and the fact that he was still a little wet, we think that we only missed it by a few hours. We were bummed because we really wanted to capture the birth on video. Anyway, behold the cuteness:

As you can see, he is quite healthy and already on his feet–though he is understandably unsteady on them. The kids have anointed him Eeyore. Here he is grabbing a quick snack from mom:

Live Or Die: Make Your Choice

Okay, this is not quite as serious as the choices in the Saw movies. However, I have come up with some questions. Yes, my very own shiny Meme. I’m sure someone has done something similar, but this particular one is mine all mine. Check out my answers. Then I tag Bekki and Jon to answer also. Everyone else is also welcome to join in the fun.

The rules:

  • There are 2 choices for all questions. Some are mutual exclusive, some are not. Regardless, you can only pick one answer. Pretend I have a gun to your head–pick your favorite of the choices.
  • If you come up with ideas for other questions, add them to you post and tag the originator to update their post with the new question(s).
  • Tag some friends to join in the madness.

Paper or plastic? Plastic since it makes it easy to carry tons of groceries with 2 hands. Paper only when I need some paper bags.

Sock-sock shoe-shoe or sock-shoe sock-shoe? Sock-sock, shoe-shoe

Ginger or Mary Ann (guys), Professor or Gilligan (gals)? Definitely Mary Ann. I prefer the natural look to the 27 pounds of make-up look.

Chunky or smooth peanut butter? Chunky

Dogs or cats? It has been well documented that I have a nearly disturbing affinity for cats.

Leno or Letterman? I like Leno more in general. I liked Letterman when he was at NBC, but for some reason he doesn’t seem to be as funny after moving to CBS.

Car or truck? Car

PC or Mac? PC…I am a Microsoft/Intel drone.

Regular or diet pop? Diet. I order a diet Coke to offset the double cheeseburger and fries that I am ordering.

Left-handed or right? Right. Right is right, right?

Coke or Pepsi? Coke all the way.

You’re Gonna Miss This

I think that a lot of times we are anxious to move on to the next stage in life because we think it’s going to be so much better: When we’re in high school, we want to be adults; when we’re out of high school, we want to be married; when we’re married, we want kids; when we have kids, we sometimes look forward to them moving on; then we long for retirement so we can relax and enjoy life. We never seem content with the here and now. However, the here in now is what we have. We need to linger and enjoy every minute of it. These are the precious times that we will one day long to return to.

A fabulous song, “You’re Gonna Miss This”, by Trace Adkins does a great job of reminding us to enjoy today because it will be gone all too soon, and we’ll wish we had it back. Check out the lyrics below and/or listen here.

She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaining, saying “I can’t wait to turn 18”
She said “I’ll make my own money, and I’ll make my own rules”
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
And she kissed her head and said “I was just like you

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

Before she knows it she’s a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her “It’s a nice place”
She says “It’ll do for now”
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says “Baby, just slow down

Cause you’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

Five years later there’s a plumber workin’ on the water heater
Dog’s barkin’, phone’s ringin’
One kid’s cryin’, one kid’s screamin’
And she keeps apologizin’
He says “They don’t bother me.
I’ve got 2 babies of my own.
One’s 36, one’s 23.
Huh, it’s hard to believe, but…

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

Punday, May 18th

The world’s most offensive furniture store name: Sofa King

As best I can tell, there are three establishments with this name. They are located in Mesilla Park, NM, Norristown, PA, and Shelley, ID.

I even found a website dedicated to this pun.

Mid-week Groaner

Okay, it’s not Sunday (Punday), but I sprung one on The Wife today that I have to share. She was rooting around her truck looking for something. When I asked her what she was looking for, she said her gloves. So I replied “You are looking for gloves in all the wrong places.”

I nearly got hit for that one.

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George Carlin Quotes

I really like George Carlin’s brand of humor. I don’t really care for his religion bashing, but if I look past that, he is very funny. Here are a couple of my favorite one-liners:

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

Lithia Sucks

I have never hesitated to use my blog as a sounding board to point out when a business just sucks. Boise Goodlife recently experienced horrible customer service when buying a car at Lithia. From being treated rudely by the salesman, to taking 2 hours to complete paperwork, to having a car that was not detailed, to a missing key and owners manual to boot, it was a nightmare experience.

But here’s the one that bugs me the most: They told her that they don’t fill the gas tank on a used car that is at least 1/4 full. Is that not outrageous? It’s standard practice for major dealerships to fill the tank of any car purchased–from the high-end models to the ugly duckling on the lot. Stay away from these jerks.

Our Newest Family Member

Okay, we couldn’t resist adding just one more member to our growing petting zoo family. I would like to introduce you to Cleo, a miniature donkey:

In case you couldn’t tell, she is very pregnant. She should be giving birth anytime now. I’ll post (excruciatingly) cute pictures when the time comes.

Killdeer Time

 

It’s time once again for the killdeer to lay their eggs. These are some pretty cool birds. They lay their eggs on the ground–creating a slight depression to hold the eggs. They often lay the eggs in gravel or near a dirt road. The eggs almost look like rocks and can be difficult to spot. Here is the nest I ran onto this evening:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously having a nest on the ground can be dangerous and very susceptible to predators. However, the killdeer have an answer for this. As you (or a predator) approaches, mom will run from the nest. Then she will suddenly fake a broken wing (to entice the predator). As you follow her, she always stays just a step ahead, though it appears that she can barely walk, let alone fly. When she feels that you are far enough away from the nest, she will fly off.

Ah, but behold the cuteness of a baby killdeer:

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Bar Hopping Time?

The Older Daughter wraps up her Driver’s Ed course this week. She passed her written and behind-the-wheel tests with flying colors. She is extremely excited to move to the next step. Now she will need to rack up 50 hours behind the wheel with us before she gets her license.

The Wife had a fantastic idea: We’ll let her drive us from bar to bar. That’s right, no more playing rock-paper-scissors to determine who will be the designated driver. Heck, she might be able to complete her 50 hours in 1 weekend! And I can’t think of anything safer or more responsible than leaving our teenage daughter alone in a car outside of some seedy bar.

Get Off My Tail!

I recently posted an awesome quote from Homer Simpson on tailgating.

This led me to a blog on tailgating that is incredible. If you are at all into tailgating, you need to check this one out. It will answer all your questions. Check it out.

My Soul Mate

Sorry honey, but according to this highly scientific quiz, my soul mate is Cameron Diaz. I made a “till death do us part” promise and I’ll keep it. But just thought you might like to know.

Take this test!

There’s always funny stuff going on in the script when you’re on the set. Whether you’re pranking your crew, telling a funny joke, or injecting an element of the absurd into a situation, you’ve got a way with making people laugh. It’s only fitting that your celeb soul mate is someone who’s silly and quirky, too!

A celeb who’s good looking and good at enjoying life like Cameron Diaz is just right for the role. No matter if you’re playing mini golf or shopping at the mall, you’ve both got the comic talents to have loads of hilarious hijinks wherever you go. And if your celeb soul mate is on location in some foreign country, someone who’s funny and closer to home would be perfect for the job. And that’s no joke!

The Next Environmental Catastrophe

Everyone is all worried about global warming, pollution, and overflowing landfills. However, what we really need to worry about is the air trapped in plastic bottles. Yup, that’s right. After enjoying the contents of the bottle, most people seal the cap back on and with it a bottle full of air. Different sources indicate that it takes hundreds or even thousands of year for a plastic bottle. Eventually all the air in the world is going to be trapped in bottles in the landfill and we’re all going to suffocate. So please save the planet…don’t put that lid back on the bottle before disposing of it.

These are the types of strange things that occupy my mind.