Here’s Your Sign

When I was younger, most traffic signs simply had words. However, now that only like 2% of the population speaks English, we have all these confusing signs with vague cartoon-like pictures. Sometimes, I’ve had difficulties figuring out what the sign means. But I think I’ve got them all straightened out now. So as a public service from the DITH Public Safety Department, here are what some select traffic signs mean–oh, and maybe some appropriate commentary as needed. I’ll also throw in commentary on some of the few signs that still have words.

 

Awesome! I’ve always hated those ankle-biters at the mall that lurk in the shadows and then spring out asking you to participate in a survey. I wish they would better their education so they could get a real job. Anyway, this sign will help me steer clear of this annoyance.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat, right?

 

 

 

Logos need to be updated occasionally to keep up with the times. This is the new peace symbol.

 

 

 One drunk ahead

 

 

Two drunks ahead

 

 

 

Three drunks ahead

 

 

 

I’ve always felt bad about this one. This is telling us that a decapitated, hand-less, foot-less person could be crossing the road. But I guess that I shouldn’t feel too bad. It’s great that he is out there being a productive member of society despite the challenges of multiple limb losses.

 

 

 

See, this is just so awesome that these courageous members of society with huge physical challenges are still able to engage in gainful employment.

 

 

They are able to go to school, too. Though I have always thought this sign to be a bit sexist. Notice the boy helping the girl across the road with his stump of a hand. What, she can’t get across on her own?

 

It just warms my heart that such horribly disfigured individual are still able to engage in life-enriching sports and recreational activities. 

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But sadly, there are still some places that these folks are not welcomed. We’ve come a long way, but there are still some people that we need to fully welcome into society.

 

Oh, I remember this one from grade school math:  5  7

 

Instead, run like hell!

Sign images are from the
Manual of Traffic Signs, by
Richard C. Moeur.
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What Will Our President Look Like After 4 Years?

It is well documented that President of the United States may very well be the most stressful job in the world. You need only look at the pictures before and after a presidency. A young, vibrant, energetic candidate becomes tired, ragged, and haggard after just 4 years.

So what will our next president look like after 4 years? The folks at PopPhoto have attempted to give us an idea. They altered a photo of each remaining candidate to show us how they may look in 4 years. The results are dramatic.

My Contribution to Science

We were having tacos a few days ago and I decided that I wanted some sour cream to go with it. I grabbed the container out of the fridge and opened up this:

Isn’t it purrty? I guess that I need to pay more attention to the expiration dates. Then again, I’m an “expiration disregarder” according to Matt. Check out his funny post on expiration dates. For the record, I’m an expiration disregarder while The Wife is an expiration heeder.

Punday, April 27th

Welcome to a new feature on DITH: The Sunday pun, or Punday. I love humor and especially love puns. However, in a lot of ways, I love quantity over quality in my humor. It is certainly satisfying when I can evoke a good belly laugh from you. However, I also love it when I get the eye roll or a groan from a ridiculously funny/stupid joke. I think that’s why I love puns so much. With as little as one word, I can get a collective groan. I love it. So sit back and wait just a few seconds while I construct this week’s highly complex humor bit.

wait for it…

wait…

just a few more seconds…

What’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30

Pay it Foward

We try not to get too sappy here at DITH. However, this simple story of selflessness is touching and deserves a wider audience. Please take a moment to read “A flight of compassion“. It reminds us all that we to think of the needs of other sometimes rather than just ourselves.

Al-Qaeda Mice?

Mice are simply a fact of life on a ranch. It’s not a matter of if you’ll have them–it’s a matter of how well you can keep them under control. Our secret weapon is a little firebrand Calico we like to call Sammie. She is our only indoor-outdoor cat–all the others are indoors only.

Apparently the mice in our area are members of the Al-Qaeda rodent division (wait, isn’t that redundant?). This is the only way I can explain the unspeakable torture that Sammie inflicts upon these creatures before finally killing them. I can only guess that she is extracting crucial intelligence data on impending terror attacks from them. I mean, she the feline answer to Jack Bauer.

She is extremely patient in her work. She’ll sit or lie in wait for long periods of time in an area where she suspects the enemy to be hiding. When one finally comes out of hiding, she pounces on it and picks it up with her mouth. The tooth punctures inflict mortal wounds upon the mouse.

However, as I mentioned, she doesn’t finish it off right away. She’ll then drop it back on the ground. The wounded mouse will struggle and try to escape. If it gets too far away, she’ll attack again and inflict more wounds.

After awhile, it may get a foot or two away, but then stop. The injuries are just too severe. Once the mouse stops moving, Sammie will go over and bat at it with her paw to wake it up. This cycle is repeated several times as she gleans more and more data to help prevent the next big mouse terrorist attack. After a several cycles of torture, the mouse finally succumbs to its injuries. Then it’s on to the next victim.

Thanks to the great patriot Sammie for protecting our freedom and way of life from the Al-Qaeda mice.

Murder, He Wrote

Every once in awhile, when I’m driving down the road, I decide to go on a murderous rampage. In particular, this happens when someone doesn’t signal a turn, cuts me off, drives 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, etc. When things like this happen, I stalk the offending party. I will follow them until they make a turn or go around a curve. Then I bump the back of their car so that they spin out of control and slide off the road. It’s a bonus if there happens to be some kind of drop off; that way, the car rolls down the embankment and the folks are killed in a spectacular, explosive fireball. It’s a very satisfying form of revenge.

Today, this jerk passed me and cut me off. I was pissed. I put my road rage hat on and followed for a couple of miles. Soon, we were coming up to a curve. Even better, there was a nice drop off on the other side of the curve, so I would get my ultimate reward of the fiery crash. I zoomed up on the car–ready to inflict my punishment. Just before I was to hit the car, to my horror I saw a Baby on Board sign in the back window. Crap. I may be a killer, but I’m not a baby killer. I backed off and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Seriously folks, why do people waste their money on a stupid little sign (most likely made in China by the way) announcing to me that they have a human less than a year old in the car? Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. But when I’m driving or doing anything else, I don’t put any less value on the lives of people that are not babies. All life, young and old, is precious.

But wait, maybe we’re on to something here. Let’s turn this program around. Let’s mandate signs for those that we do want to exterminate. (Pay no attention to the fact that this contradicts my previous statement about all life being precious). That way, they are clearly identified so that we can run them off the road to die in fiery crashes. Here are some good starter ideas:

  • Child Molester On Board
  • Ax Murderer On Board
  • Al-Qaeda Member On Board

What do you think? Yes, the good ideas to improve life in the USA just never stop here at DITH.