Here’s Your Sign

When I was younger, most traffic signs simply had words. However, now that only like 2% of the population speaks English, we have all these confusing signs with vague cartoon-like pictures. Sometimes, I’ve had difficulties figuring out what the sign means. But I think I’ve got them all straightened out now. So as a public service from the DITH Public Safety Department, here are what some select traffic signs mean–oh, and maybe some appropriate commentary as needed. I’ll also throw in commentary on some of the few signs that still have words.

 

Awesome! I’ve always hated those ankle-biters at the mall that lurk in the shadows and then spring out asking you to participate in a survey. I wish they would better their education so they could get a real job. Anyway, this sign will help me steer clear of this annoyance.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat, right?

 

 

 

Logos need to be updated occasionally to keep up with the times. This is the new peace symbol.

 

 

 One drunk ahead

 

 

Two drunks ahead

 

 

 

Three drunks ahead

 

 

 

I’ve always felt bad about this one. This is telling us that a decapitated, hand-less, foot-less person could be crossing the road. But I guess that I shouldn’t feel too bad. It’s great that he is out there being a productive member of society despite the challenges of multiple limb losses.

 

 

 

See, this is just so awesome that these courageous members of society with huge physical challenges are still able to engage in gainful employment.

 

 

They are able to go to school, too. Though I have always thought this sign to be a bit sexist. Notice the boy helping the girl across the road with his stump of a hand. What, she can’t get across on her own?

 

It just warms my heart that such horribly disfigured individual are still able to engage in life-enriching sports and recreational activities. 

r9-3a.gif

 

But sadly, there are still some places that these folks are not welcomed. We’ve come a long way, but there are still some people that we need to fully welcome into society.

 

Oh, I remember this one from grade school math:  5  7

 

Instead, run like hell!

Sign images are from the
Manual of Traffic Signs, by
Richard C. Moeur.

What Will Our President Look Like After 4 Years?

It is well documented that President of the United States may very well be the most stressful job in the world. You need only look at the pictures before and after a presidency. A young, vibrant, energetic candidate becomes tired, ragged, and haggard after just 4 years.

So what will our next president look like after 4 years? The folks at PopPhoto have attempted to give us an idea. They altered a photo of each remaining candidate to show us how they may look in 4 years. The results are dramatic.

My Contribution to Science

We were having tacos a few days ago and I decided that I wanted some sour cream to go with it. I grabbed the container out of the fridge and opened up this:

Isn’t it purrty? I guess that I need to pay more attention to the expiration dates. Then again, I’m an “expiration disregarder” according to Matt. Check out his funny post on expiration dates. For the record, I’m an expiration disregarder while The Wife is an expiration heeder.

Punday, April 27th

Welcome to a new feature on DITH: The Sunday pun, or Punday. I love humor and especially love puns. However, in a lot of ways, I love quantity over quality in my humor. It is certainly satisfying when I can evoke a good belly laugh from you. However, I also love it when I get the eye roll or a groan from a ridiculously funny/stupid joke. I think that’s why I love puns so much. With as little as one word, I can get a collective groan. I love it. So sit back and wait just a few seconds while I construct this week’s highly complex humor bit.

wait for it…

wait…

just a few more seconds…

What’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30

Pay it Foward

We try not to get too sappy here at DITH. However, this simple story of selflessness is touching and deserves a wider audience. Please take a moment to read “A flight of compassion“. It reminds us all that we to think of the needs of other sometimes rather than just ourselves.

Al-Qaeda Mice?

Mice are simply a fact of life on a ranch. It’s not a matter of if you’ll have them–it’s a matter of how well you can keep them under control. Our secret weapon is a little firebrand Calico we like to call Sammie. She is our only indoor-outdoor cat–all the others are indoors only.

Apparently the mice in our area are members of the Al-Qaeda rodent division (wait, isn’t that redundant?). This is the only way I can explain the unspeakable torture that Sammie inflicts upon these creatures before finally killing them. I can only guess that she is extracting crucial intelligence data on impending terror attacks from them. I mean, she the feline answer to Jack Bauer.

She is extremely patient in her work. She’ll sit or lie in wait for long periods of time in an area where she suspects the enemy to be hiding. When one finally comes out of hiding, she pounces on it and picks it up with her mouth. The tooth punctures inflict mortal wounds upon the mouse.

However, as I mentioned, she doesn’t finish it off right away. She’ll then drop it back on the ground. The wounded mouse will struggle and try to escape. If it gets too far away, she’ll attack again and inflict more wounds.

After awhile, it may get a foot or two away, but then stop. The injuries are just too severe. Once the mouse stops moving, Sammie will go over and bat at it with her paw to wake it up. This cycle is repeated several times as she gleans more and more data to help prevent the next big mouse terrorist attack. After a several cycles of torture, the mouse finally succumbs to its injuries. Then it’s on to the next victim.

Thanks to the great patriot Sammie for protecting our freedom and way of life from the Al-Qaeda mice.

Murder, He Wrote

Every once in awhile, when I’m driving down the road, I decide to go on a murderous rampage. In particular, this happens when someone doesn’t signal a turn, cuts me off, drives 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, etc. When things like this happen, I stalk the offending party. I will follow them until they make a turn or go around a curve. Then I bump the back of their car so that they spin out of control and slide off the road. It’s a bonus if there happens to be some kind of drop off; that way, the car rolls down the embankment and the folks are killed in a spectacular, explosive fireball. It’s a very satisfying form of revenge.

Today, this jerk passed me and cut me off. I was pissed. I put my road rage hat on and followed for a couple of miles. Soon, we were coming up to a curve. Even better, there was a nice drop off on the other side of the curve, so I would get my ultimate reward of the fiery crash. I zoomed up on the car–ready to inflict my punishment. Just before I was to hit the car, to my horror I saw a Baby on Board sign in the back window. Crap. I may be a killer, but I’m not a baby killer. I backed off and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Seriously folks, why do people waste their money on a stupid little sign (most likely made in China by the way) announcing to me that they have a human less than a year old in the car? Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. But when I’m driving or doing anything else, I don’t put any less value on the lives of people that are not babies. All life, young and old, is precious.

But wait, maybe we’re on to something here. Let’s turn this program around. Let’s mandate signs for those that we do want to exterminate. (Pay no attention to the fact that this contradicts my previous statement about all life being precious). That way, they are clearly identified so that we can run them off the road to die in fiery crashes. Here are some good starter ideas:

  • Child Molester On Board
  • Ax Murderer On Board
  • Al-Qaeda Member On Board

What do you think? Yes, the good ideas to improve life in the USA just never stop here at DITH.

Go Ahead, Tell Me Where to Go

Everyone else is doing it, so guess I will too. Here’s where it says I should live:

 


You Should Live in a Small City


You are definitely an urban person, but not any old city will do.You want a city that matches you well. For you, big cities lack individuality.You prefer a smaller city with lots of personality, local culture, and history.

 

 Here’s where I actually live:


You Should Live in the Country


You are laid back, calm, and good at entertaining yourself.You don’t need an expensive big city to keep you busy.

You’ll take the peaceful life over the stressful life any day of the week.

Mad Lib

Thanks Bekki via Shamelesslysassy for this Mad Lib. To play along come up with words to fill in the parts of speech below. Then fill in the Mad Lib. See my result at the very end.

 

First, fill this in:

your name:
favorite food:
verb:
adjective:
embarassing thing you did:
honorable thing you did:
favorite endearment:
negative adjective:
positive adjective:
positive adjective:
positive adjective:
adjective:
noun:
verb:
body part:

 

Now transfer your words into the Mad Lib:

Face it, (insert your name), you are about the greatest thing since (favorite food). No one else can (verb) like you can. Your best friend says you are the (adjective)-est person in the world. Sure, you once (embarassing thing you did), but you also (honorable thing you did). S0, (favorite endearment), today is the day you’re going to stop beating up on yourself for being (negative adjective) and start loving yourself for being (positive adjective), (positive adjective), and (positive adjective. ANd if people give you a (adjective) time, just tell’em they can take their (noun) and (verb) it up their (body part)!

 

Here’s what I came up with:

Face it, Bryan, you are about the greatest thing since pizza. No one else can sleep like you can. Your best friend says you are the irritating-est person in the world. Sure, you once farted in 7th grade English class, but you also gave to charity. S0, honey, today is the day you’re going to stop beating up on yourself for being hideous and start loving yourself for being striking, friendly, and beautiful. And if people give you a small time, just tell’em they can take their mountain and sing it up their eye!

Posted in Humor. Tags: . 2 Comments »

The Sharing Table

In our break room, we have something called the Sharing Table. It’s really a pretty cool idea. If you have something you don’t want, but someone else might, you put it on the table. If you find something you want on the table, it’s yours for the taking.

People put all kinds of interesting thing on the table: free event tickets, coupons for local eateries, home garden overflow, paperback books, magazines, etc.

However, some people abuse it. We’re now seeing catalogs for Avon, Amway, Tupperware–you know, all the try-to-guilt-your-friends-and-family-into-buying-your-over-priced-crap home businesses. People are also leaving brochures inviting us to their various cry-me-a-river charities. I’ve got nothing against home business or charities–only the abuse of the Sharing Table concept. With the Sharing Table, it needs to be a tangible good that I can pick up and take with me.

However, I reserve my most intense ire for those that leave pizza leftovers there. What? How could I possible not like pizza? It’s because the only pizza that’s ever leftover is friggin’ vegetarian pizza! If you’re going to have leftover pizza and you’re going to leave it on the sharing table, have the common human decency to make sure there’s some meat-lover’s pizza also…mmmkay?

Get to Know Me Better

Rick tagged me on this meme. Thanks man. Let’s get ‘er done.

The rules are:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

10 years ago the Older Daughter was 5 and the Younger Daughter was just 5 months old. I remember attending the Older Daughter’s dance recital that year–very cute. We were just settling into our previous house. I also started a custom software development business with a buddy–it didn’t work out.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

  1. Post to my blog (check)
  2. Get some laundry done (in progress)
  3. Check on the status of a job application (check–no answer yet…grrr)
  4. Do some more work on our business website (probably not going to happen)
  5. Blog surfing (check)

3) Snacks I enjoy:

  • Cheez-Its
  • soybeans
  • beef jerkey
  • popcorn

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

  • Build a nice new house on our ranch
  • Buy a monster motor home and travel
  • Do charity work

5) Three of my bad habits:

  1. Staying up too late
  2. Procrastinating
  3. Not eating right

6) 5 places I have lived:

  1. Lebanon, Oregon
  2. Ontario, Oregon
  3. Cheney, Washington
  4. Boise, Idaho
  5. Caldwell, Idaho

7) 5 jobs I have had:

  1. Petroleum Transfer Technician (some people call it a Service Station Attendant)
  2. Clerk-Typist
  3. Computer Lab Consultant
  4. Software Engineer
  5. Database Administrator

8 ) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

  1. Bekki
  2. Jon
  3. Bonnie
  4. Allison
  5. smysore

Good Fortune Ahead?

It’s a rare treat when The Wife and I are able to meet for lunch during a busy work day. Yesterday was such an occasion. We met for lunch at a Chinese place not too far from where I work. It was a nice break from a hectic day. We caught up on life, talked about the kids, talked about the new business, etc. Alas, the time passed much too fast and soon we were cracking open our fortune cookies and paying for lunch. My jaw dropped when I read my fortune:

Ok, I know you are like: so what? Those that follow this blog know that I am being laid off this summer. My last day happens to be July 18th. This is exactly 3 months after our lunch date: April 18th.

How freaky is that?

Just Horsing Around

On Saturday we purchased Fantasia, a miniature horse. She is 8 months old and stands about 26 inches tall. Take a look and tell me she’s not the most adorable thing in the world.

With our latest acquisition, Petting Zoo 1.0 is now complete. That is, we have all the animals we intend to get until we see if this thing is going to take off. So here’s what we have:

  • 1 Miniature horse
  • 2 Pygmy goats
  • 2 Lionhead rabbits
  • 5 Chickens
  • 1 Calf (that we’ll borrow from a friend that owns a dairy)
  • 1 German Shepard

So we’ve got all the animals in place–we just need to finish a few administrative tasks:

  • Create a brochure
  • Get business cards
  • Setup a website
  • Advertise in the local family magazine

After that, we’ll sit back and hope to hear the phone ringing off the hook rather than crickets.

Childhood Flashback: A Lazy Summer Day

As the years roll by, I find it really interesting what will spark a long-buried memory. The Younger Daughter wanted to play a board game recently. She went to the game closet and pulled out an ancient game that I, for some unknown reason, have been lugging around for years–Bermuda Triangle. This game was introduced by Milton Bradley in 1976. It doesn’t appear that they are still producing it, though I don’t know how long it was on the market.

In a nutshell, you have a fleet of ships going from port to port delivering cargo. You earn money for each successful delivery. Unfortunately, there is an evil cloud that moves randomly about the board sucking up ships in its wake. It is mostly a game of chance; however, there is some strategy involved in trying to block other ships from docking safely away from the cloud.

I enjoyed the game as a child, but wasn’t really excited that she had chosen this game. But, that’s what she wanted to play, so that’s what we’ll do. I opened up the box to start setting up the game. When I pulled the board out, I noticed several blades of grass in the bottom of the box. This seemingly random discovery is where I took a quick journey back about 30 years.

My best friend during my pre-teen years lived just 3 houses down. We were inseparable. On a beautiful, sunny, summer day in western Oregon, he had come over for an afternoon of fun. We were just finishing up sandwiches and lemonade that my mom had made. After that, our first order of business was to get some trucks to honk at us. You see, we lived about a half a mile from a sawmill. So, we would go stand out by the road and pump our arms to get the log truck drivers to honk.

When we tired of that, we decided that it was time for a board game. We settled on Bermuda Triangle, but decided that it was much too nice of a day to sit inside at the kitchen table. So we took the game and our lemonade out on front lawn. I don’t recall how the game went or who won and I really don’t care. It was a great, lazy summer day.

This memory had been tucked away in my brain until the discovery of the blades of grass that had been in the Bermuda Triangle box for nearly 30 years. It was with almost sadness that I cleaned out the box. But I don’t want to be some freak that saves 30-year-old grass.

You saw the game box above. Now look at a zoom in on a particular part of the box. Here’s something you don’t see much anymore: “Made in U.S.A.”

Lost in the 50s

Thanks to John

According to this highly scientific quiz, I belong in 1957. I think it hit me pretty much dead on. The 50s were a relatively happy and prosperous time in the United States, sandwiched between World War II and the chaos of the 60s and 70s. I definitely long for the sweet, innocent nation we had in the 50s. Granted, it’s likely that things were not nearly as sweet and innocent as they seem. But don’t spoil my illusion, okay?


You Belong in 1957


You’re fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

Big Toys for Big Boys

Here’s my newest toy–a Kubota tractor. We brought this back on our spring break trip. Some dear friends gave it to us. I guess the story was that it was given to them, so they simply passed it on. “Pay it Forward”, if you will.

Now she’s not the prettiest tractor on the block, but she runs great. Just a few minor repairs and some implements and we’re set for simplifying some of the ranch work.

Time for Drivers Ed

Well it’s another big milestone for the Older Daughter. Yes, she started drivers ed this week. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I’m basically one part proud, one part sad, and one part nervous. I’m excited and proud to see her grow up and accomplish things. I’m sad because this is one more step toward eventual independence. While independence is a good thing, there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of childhood. Also, driving will soon be something that I’m not needed for, and dads like to be useful. Also, I now have one more thing to worry about. I have no doubt that she will be a great driver and I trust her. But I’m a parent–worrying is part of the job description.

She is understandably very excited. She has actually been driving up and down our driveway (about a quarter of mile long) for probably 2 years. So she has been chomping at the bit to drive ever since.

My New Office

In the early days of this blog (read: 4 months ago), I spent way too much time posting about bathroom stuff–and loved every minute of it. Posts such as Bathroom Rules for Men and Men and Public Restrooms are now legendary in blog circles.

It’s been a long, dry spell. So let’s head to the bathroom once again. Check out my new office–complete with filing cabinet.

I’ll let you decide which is more disturbing: the fact that there is cabinet in the stall or that I took a picture of it. Yes, I tried opening the drawers to see what was inside–how could I resist? Alas, they were locked. So you’ll just have to use your imagination to figure out why it’s in there.

Picking Up Chicks

I have the greatest wife in the world. Check this out: She went out this afternoon and picked up 5 chicks to bring home to me! No kidding. Not many couples have such an open, understanding relationship. I am very fortunate, indeed.

Check out the newest members of our petting zoo below: day-old chicks. They were huddled up and not interested in looking at the camera. I’ll post a better picture when I can get one.

I’m Back!

No folks, I’m not dead. I was on vacation last week. Then when I got home, my router was DOA. We were too busy catching up on ranch chores Sunday to go pick up a new one. So it was not until last night that I was able to work on getting the new one installed. The box said it would take 3 minutes to install. 2 hours later, I was up and running again.

It really sucks to be offline. I probably thought of something at least hourly (or maybe minutely) that I wanted to look up online, but couldn’t.

Anyway, I’m back. Hopefully you can look forward to something worth reading on a regular basis again. Nah, don’t hold your breath.