CNN posted an article on how to survive a nasty neighbor. In it, they provided 5 tips for keeping the peace. The tips were great and all, but I have some ideas for improvement.
1. Know your neighbors. Upon moving in, knock on doors, introduce yourself and establish a rapport.
Excellent. Scare the hell out of them before you’ve even got the moving van unloaded. I recommend picking up about 20 dogs and cats from the pound and letting them out as soon as you arrive. Then bring the kids (dressed up like gangsters) with you to introduce yourselves.
2. Bring problems up immediately. Don’t delay.
Yes, bring up problems early and often. And if there aren’t actually any problems, make something up. Mess with their minds.
3. Ask around. Most problems bother more than one neighbor. Gather support to build your case, and consider talking to the offending party as a group.
Exactly. Work the mob into a frenzy to terrorize the neighbor. Go for strength in numbers.
4. Be nice. Bring your neighbor cookies or a bottle of wine. It sets the stage for an amicable discussion.
Great idea. And don’t forget to lace the food with poison. If you can’t scare them out of the neighborhood, off them.
5. Be proactive. Try to deal with conflict on your own before taking things to the next level.
I agree. We definitely don’t want the police involved…particularly because of #4.