What do you need to do if you are infected with the bird flu? Seek tweetment.

What do you need to do if you are infected with the swine flu? Apply oinkment.

If it’s not a father and it’s not a mother, what is it? It’s not apparent.

A man decided to join a ride-sharing program with his colleagues at work to save money. But within a week of starting it, he started having severe wrist pain. This seemed to happen only while they were driving through the tunnel–he was fine outside the tunnel. Because the tunnel was so busy, they spent quite a bit of time in there. So it was quite a painful experience for the young man. He saw a doctor the following week and was told he had a problem that is quite common nowadays: carpool tunnel syndrome.

Don’t you just hate those stupid motivational posters? As if looking at some profound picture and reading an even more profound phrase is going to turn your day around. That’s why I love Despair, Inc.’s demotivational posters. I was looking through them today and found one for blogging. I love it!

It’s wasn’t a good month for me in the weight loss challenge. Lots of stress and other crazy things going on took me off focus with eating better and moving more. And the results show it:

Initial weigh-in: 242

Month 1 weigh-in: 234

Month 2 weigh-in: 235

Gained this month: 1 pound

This weekend, I’m on a quick, relaxing getaway. Then next week, it’s time to re-focus and get back on track. Still 4 months to go in the challenge!

We have a dairy farm close to us. The cows are udderly amazing.

The dreaded song demons are at it again. With the death of Michael Jackson, I have been listening to some of his songs the last few days. Man in the Mirror really speaks to the journey I started a couple of weeks ago. Yes, any change I want to make must start with me.

For the record, I love his music–particularly 80s and early 90s. I just want to enjoy his music for what it is. I refuse to watch the tabloid stuff about the problems in his life and ultimately his death.

Enjoy…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbzMsIcp6fI

For my regular readers (was kind of surprised that there were any left given how little I have posted lately), you have probably been wondering what’s going on. First off, my posting has dropped to almost nil. Then I posted 3 relatively profound songs and vague details on something percolating in my life. I have always been a very private person by nature (so I have a blog why again?), but I do want to provide a thumbnail sketch of what is going on.

Several week ago, I had what I like to call an awakening. It was a realization that I was not the person that I want to be and deciding that now is the time to make the changes I want to transition to the person that I do want to be. Mid-life crises, maybe; becoming the person I want to be, absolutely.

Don’t panic too much. We’re not talking about radical changes–at least from an outward standpoint. You might not have even noticed any real changes if I didn’t talk about them in my blog. I’m not going to get 12 tattoos (hmmm, 1? maybe), not going to start skydiving (hmmm once? maybe), not going to buy sports car or a motorcycle, no torrid affairs.

So here are some of the things I want the new me to be:

• Self-confident
• Comfortable with myself
• Not willing to always put myself last–and not feel guilty
• Accepting of compliments without feeling unworthy or guilty
• Accepting of help without feeling unworthy or guilty
• Willing to try new things
• Willing to be out of my comfort zone

Basically, I will no longer to be the painfully shy, angst-filled person that I have been since I was a teenager–if not earlier.

I also want to care more about those around me. With my family and friends, I want to speak kinder, be more patient, be more loving, compliment more often, and show how very much I care for and love them. For the next circle of people I interact with, anywhere from co-workers to the convenience store clerk, I want to always give a smile and genuinely take an interest in their lives.

Really, most of these changes are internal in how I look at myself and how I choose to interact with others in a more positive way. I have already started transitioning to the new me (1 week and counting) and I seriously already “feel” it. I am happier, more relaxed, more confident, and feel more control of my life than perhaps ever.

Well, I think that’s quite enough for now. If you made it this far, congratulations!

I think I smell a new regular feature to get me posting regularly again. Maybe I’ll entitle it “Seen on I-84″ or something like that.

Anyway, this is a picture of a cool old car that I took while driving riding on I-84 at the Flying Wye interchange. However, I really need to get a phone with a better camera if this is to be a new feature.

Okay, I took this picture while driving riding on I-84 between Nampa and Caldwell. I mean, is this something I should be concerned about at all? Something doesn’t look quite right, but I can’t put my finger on it.

What’s my favorite dressing you ask? Topless

Thanks to my friend Todd for this one.

Okay, the song demons are at it again. Here’s the song speaking to me today: One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks. I had just always thought it was fun to listen. But now the lyrics are hitting home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzyys6kW8yg

Okay, this is the song that is speaking to me today. Wish these songs would stopping talking so much. 

No, I don’t have cancer and I’m not dying. Ignore that part of the song. Lyrics here if you want.

It’s been quite a sucky week, month, year, etc. I was listening to this 80s classic by Howard Jones and it seems to really speak to me today. The video is pretty wacky. Maybe watch the video and then go back and play it a second time with your eyes closed to take in the words.

As you may recall, I’m participating in the Treasure Valley Weight Loss Challenge. I did my month 2 weigh-in today. Here are the results:

Initial weigh-in: 242

Month 1 weigh-in: 234

Loss this month: 8 pounds

This second weigh-in was a longer period at 7 weeks (the rest will be at 4 weeks). So I lost 1 pound per week. This is short of my 2 pound per week goal. However, I’m still proud of the achievement and look forward to the next weigh-in.

Anyone out there still? Helloooo…

About a year-and-a-half ago, I finally found something productive to do with my late-night computer addiction. Yup, that would be this blog. I found it to be a great outlet for my thoughts, for doing some creative and humorous writing, and just sharing cools things with my readers.

That was until a critical mass of friends finally joined Facebook and I finally “got” why it was so (evil but) cool. My blogs stats show it. Just 2 posts in the last month if you count this one. My hit stats actually started declining even before that and I blame it Facebook also.

Once you get on there, they just have so many things to keep you glued to the site, clicking different applications, chatting with friends. These guys are geniuses even if they are also evil.

We’ll see what the future holds. I really hope to get back into more regular posting.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some potatoes to harvest in Farm Town, some drinks to pass out to friends, a good karma request to return…

We seem to get a lot of people hunting or riding ATVs on our property without permission. So I decided to put a few no trespassing signs. Check out the placement of the one below. I’m not sending mixed messages am I?

So you’ve settled in at your hotel in Acapulco and are ready for an afternoon at the beach. Time to grab all those items you need:

Swimsuit: check
Sunscreen: check
Towel: check
Sunglasses: check
Flu mask: ???

It’s kind of funny, yet sad, to sit back and watch paranoia grip the planet.

Hey look! A fork in the road.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am participating in the $10,000 Treasure Valley Weight Loss Challenge being held by the Humphrey’s Diabetes Center in Boise. We had our initial weigh-in today. The damage: 242 pounds…ugh. Well, it’s all downhill from here. We have monthly weigh-ins starting in June and continuing through October. I’ll post updates.

I have known for years that I needed to lose some (or even a lot of) weight. For some reason though, pesky things like better health simply were not enough to motivate me to give it a serious run. However, I have now found my motivation: cold, hard, cash.

That’s right, the Treasure Valley is having it’s own version of The Biggest Loser. The fee is $50 to enter. The first weigh-in will be this weekend. Then there will be monthly weigh-ins for the next 6 months. The biggest loser (by percentage) will take home the grand prize of $3,000. I really want to win the big prize, but even if I “just” lose weight, it is well worth the $50 entry fee.

I’ll keep you posted with my progress here with each weigh-in.

Four Corners is the only place in the United Status where four state boundaries (Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah) come together. It was originally surveyed in 1868 and the first marker was placed there in 1912. The problem is, the survey was wrong. It turns out that the correct intersection is about 2.5 miles east of the marker.

I don’t know why, but I find it strangely humorous that millions of people have visited this monument over nearly 100 years and have taken pictures doing various goofy stunts to cover all 4 states–all to no avail. It was all a lie. (evil laughter)

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Let me get this straight…

Obama is committing to stem the tide of illegal weapons crossing the boarder from the US to Mexico…yet does nothing to get a commitment from Mexico to stem the tide of illegal immigrants to the US?

Let me get this straight…

Obama promised that those making under $250K per year “will not see any of your taxes increase one single dime.”…yet steeply raised the tobacco tax (a regressive tax on the poor), is letting the 2001 tax cuts lapse (that’s a tax increase folks), and is proposing increasing the capital gains tax from 15% to 20% (ummm…people making under $250K per year invest too).

Let me get this staight…

Obama is closing Guantanamo Bay and releasing terrorists back on to the streets…in some cases in the US…while demonizing the dissenting voices of the peaceful Tax Day Tea Protests and in so many words calling them terrorists?

What the hell is wrong with this country? Things are so upside down. We’ve got to take our country back and restore the Constitution.

The Older Daughter has been invited by her grandma to take a 15-day European cruise this summer. (I am very jealous, but that’s another story.) Her passport expired a few weeks back, so we needed to get it renewed. We went to the State Department’s website to find the requirements. It said that we needed to bring her old passport or her birth certificate, and that we could pay by cash or check. Knowing how the government operates, I asked The Wife to call the local office to make sure the details from the website were correct. She did and they confirmed everything. Great, right? Not so much.
 
When they got to the office, they were told that she needed her old passport and her birth certificate. Well that sucks. My worst fears were realized in that no matter how hard you try to make dealings with the government easier, they always go awry. Anyway, they headed back  home to pick up the birth certificate. They made it back to the office, got all the paperwork filled out and processed. Then it was time to pay. The Wife forked over the $100 fee in cash. That’s when they told her that they don’t accept cash. You’re kidding me right? This after they said that was an acceptable form of payment on their website and The Wife double-checked over the phone? Not to mention that every Federal Reserve Note says “THIS NOTE IS LEGAL TENDER FOR ALL DEBTS, PUBLIC AND PRIVATE”.
 
I just wanted to rant about this to you and I hate to turn this political, but think about this for a moment. Think about this experience at the passport office; think about what a nightmare the DMV is; think about the IRS. You may have had other experiences interacting with the government. It’s nearly always a nightmare. The crush of massive bureaucracy and rampant incompetency is staggering.
 
How can anyone out there really think that the federal government can do a better job with health care? Universal health care would be an unmitigated disaster. Think of your DMV experience…that’s what going to the doctor or hospital will be like. We’ve got to stand against this.

I need to have a serious discussion with my brain. I am simply not happy with its performance in regards to dreams. First of all, I’m seeing too many repeats. They say that we use only 10% of our brain’s potential, so I think it’s got plenty of time to come up with original material. I simply won’t put up with this laziness anymore. It wouldn’t be so bothersome if it was a good dream being repeated, but in this case it is an unpleasant dream. I can’t remember the details now, but I know that it was not fun.

Secondly, I want to see my dream requests fulfilled. After all, it’s my brain and it darn well better do what I ask. I have always wanted to experience space travel. However, I can’t afford such a trip. Even if it were free, I might very well chicken out. So, I want a nice space travel dream. But has my wish been granted yet? Of course not.

So brain: Stop with the repeats and give me my space trip or there will be serious consequences!

To my loyal readers…here is a thimble of my love for you.

Hoppy Easter to all my peeps!

Finally, news I can use. Last Sunday’s ZITS comic has a fantastic invention for parents of teens: The Teen Translator. Enjoy…

I was recently at a construction site where they were doing some blasting. I almost forgot to put in my earplugs before a blast. Thankfully, I got them in just in the nick of time. It was a near-deaf experience.

Okay, I get the whole airport security thing. We can’t allow real knives and forks inside the secure area because some wacko will use them as a weapon. But is it too much to ask for heavy duty plastic utensils instead of ones that break? Particularly considering the outrageous prices? $31 for dinner and a couple of drinks. And that was for one person!

By the way, can you tell I’m bored at the airport?

Thanks to John for sharing this one. And I agree with him that this is one of the weirdest quizes I have seen. It’s quite ironic that I’m the liver since I’m currently at war with mine in the airport bar. Holy crap, I just got my bill. $6.59 for a Sam Adams!

You Are The Liver

You are a very versatile, adept person. You are able to do many jobs.You seek balance at all times. You are good at adjusting yourself to keep things level.You are able to counteract bad influences. You can neutralize anything toxic. You are resilient like no one else. You can rebuild yourself completely if you need to.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I ran across Uncle Jay Explains several weeks back. This guy is great. He produces a weekly short video in which he explains the week’s news a la Mr. Roger’s. Very funny stuff. Check out this week’s video.

I had so much fun with my posts My Needs and My Wants, that I decided to try another one.

Here’s how this one works: Google “[your first name] is” (actually type in the quotes…they are essential) and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan is…is the bees knees! (well everyone knew that already)

Bryan is…proud that Future Now’s clients, including NBC Universal, GE, WebEx, Overstock and Dell, have consistently enjoyed dramatic improvement in sales using Future Now’s Persuasion Architecture® process (ummm…sure)

Bryan is…playing Russian roulette (I’d rather not, thanks anyway)

Bryan is…the proud father of two and appears to be very happily married to a very lucky WOMAN (very, very true)

Bryan is…a Gemini (no, I’m a Virgo)

Bryan is…playing Russian roulette (stop with that!)

Bryan is…going to be releasing a new single in July! (sweet! I hope it makes lots of money.)

Bryan is…one of the driving forces behind “Memphis” (who knew?)

Bryan is… fan of: Products, Websites, Music, Non-Profits (okay sure, those are all good things)

Bryan is…in your extended network (as I should be)

Some Cranky Guy always has something interesting to say. His recent post on the the role of government in our education system is an excellent read. His observations on government involvement in education serve as a good springboard for considering what might happen if the federal government expands into new areas of service. Agree or disagree, it will get you thinking. Check it out.

John recently completed this high school meme. It looked like fun, so I’m following suite. Feel free to post your own and let me know.

1. Did you date someone from your school? My high school years were sad and pathetic romantically (and in most other ways as well). I didn’t date in high school. 

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? No, I married someone from my wife’s high school.

3. Did you car pool to school? Sometimes. Mostly though, I walked before I got my license and drove by myself after. 

4. What kind of car did you have? A puke-green 1975 Chevy Vega. This may explain my answer to #1.

5. What kind of car do you have now? A red 2008 Toyota Corolla.

6. Its Friday night…where are you now? Watching TV and having a beer.

7. It is Friday night…where were you then? You would probably find me with John. Either at his house, my house, a high school sports game, or cruising. And if we were cruising, you’d find us chugging…a 7-11 Super Big Gulp. 

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I was a gas station attendant at a Chevron gas station.

9. What kind of job do you do now? I’m an IS Administrator.

10. Were you a party animal? No.

11. Were you considered a flirt? No.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Yes, I was a band nerd. Yet more evidence for #1.

13. Were you a nerd? I won the trifecta of nerd-dom: band, science club, and chess club.

14. Did you get suspended from school? No, not in high school. I was suspended once or twice in Middle School.

15. Can you sing the fight song? No. However, it is to the tune of On Wisconsin. I guess our school was too poor to come up with its own song.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? Ms. Richter (Math) and Mr. Endicott (Social Studies).

17. Where did you sit during lunch? In a chair like everyone else.

18. What was your school’s full name? Ontario High School

19. Where did you party the most? My place or John’s.

20. What was your school mascot? The Tigers! And this was during the 80s. In band, we played Eye of the Tigers so much it made our ears bleed.

21. Would you do it again? Only if I could do it right this time.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Do we have to keep bringing up dating? Are you tring to rub salt into the wound? Please again refer to #1.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? One last time, see #1.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Most likely. It makes for some cheap entertainment.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A few of them.

26. What are/were your school’s colors? Cardinal & Corn, whatever the heck those are. How about red and yellow?

DITH is now ready to introduce it’s latest venture: Carbon Glutton. This new effort is dedicated to cancelling out efforts to reduce carbon emissions. CO2 is a naturally occurring, colorless, odorless gas that apparently is going to kill us all in a fiery flood. Check in there often for tips on how to emit even more CO2 so that we can bring on the demise of humanity even faster. Enjoy!

I used to be a baker, but I didn’t make enough dough.

We lost a radio broadcasting legend on Saturday. Paul Harvey died at the age of 90. I remember listening to him while eating my breakfast as a kid or riding in the car to school. Throughout my adult life, my ability to listen has come and gone as his show has moved to different stations and my schedule has shifted to different times. But he never failed bringing a smile to my face or keeping me on the edge my seat with “The Rest of the Story.” He had a distinctive voice and delivery method that will never be matched. He will be missed.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Sign seen by the side of the road: “Drive carefully” Crap. There go my plans to be reckless and get my road rage out of my system.

I was at the self check-out at Albertsons this afternoon. I looked over and saw a paper cut-out of a hand. On it was written “Good customer service? Give us 5!” You’re kidding me, right? I’m serving myself and you want a good customer service rating? Rather than giving them 5, they deserve 1 (and with the finger of my choosing).

I’m not sure what’s in the water lately, but I’ve got two friends on different ends of the country considering a move to England. The way things are going in the US, maybe it’s not a bad idea. I think England would be a blast.

Anyway, in their honor, here is England Swings by Roger Miller.

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when impossibly cute kids lurk in the shadows only to spring out and hit us up to buy those darn Girl Scout cookies. They are addictive and wildly over-priced, but we buy them anyway. We have to. We just can’t say no to those faces. It’s a good thing too. What you don’t know is that if you don’t buy the cookies, these cute kids will quickly turn evil and do unspeakable harm to you when you least expect it.

So here they sit on my desk: a box of Samoas and a box of Thin Mints. The boxes remain unopened. This is because they are so good, that if open the box, I will eat every last one of them in one sitting. I can hear the cookies calling for me. Evil things. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. Pure evil.

What does a honeybee call its hive? Comb, sweet home.

Farewell to Socks, the First Cat during the Clinton administration. He died yesterday just short of 20 years old. Here is a picture of him from 1994 addressing the press. I love this picture.

Okay, I couldn’t resist creating a “sister” meme to the previous one I just posted. This one addresses wants instead of needs.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] wants” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan wants..Pringles (very, very true…I love them)

Bryan wants..to be teacher (not really, the pay kind of blows and I don’t have the patience)

Bryan wants..Congress (only if I can add “to burn in hell” to the phrase)

Bryan wants..my penis (no, I’ll kindly thank you to keep it to yourself)

Bryan wants..to be an MLG pro (Major League Gaming pro? hmmm…now that would be a fun job)

Bryan wants..to buy you some boots (wrong again…buy your own damn boots you freeloader)

Bryan wants..whisk Amy away (quite true, but The Wife would not take too kindly to it)

Bryan wants..your gas money (so hand it over or I’ll beat you up)

Bryan wants..his “Eleventh Hour” back (actually, I didn’t even know it was gone)

Bryan wants..to Bond with films (okay)

This meme is coming at me from several places, but I’ll give John the official nod on it.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! You’re also supposed to tag 10 other people. I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan needs…a top (ummm nope…already got one thanks)

Bryan needs…money (word)

Bryan needs…a job (got one of those already…guess a second one could be okay)

Bryan needs…help urgently (quick, before I die right here in front of you)

Bryan needs…a title for his homepage (I rather like the one I have, thanks anyway)

Bryan needs…to ink me ASAP (what, now you want me to give you a tattoo?)

Bryan needs…a job (sorry, I draw the limit at 2 jobs)

Bryan needs…survive (yes, I would very muh like that)

Bryan needs…a pad (well, I wouldn’t mind a nicer one to be honest, but the economy is tough right now)

Bryan needs…Johnson (sicko)

You may recall from a previous post that I would like to develop a small tactical nuke to take out drivers that piss me off. I’m still working on that, but have had another idea on my mind for quite some time: an LED sign for the rear car window. That way, I can let the person behind me know what I really think. Well, as it turns out, someone stole my idea. For $60, you can get a 10″ by 2″ LED message board that mounts in the rear window. This is fantastic!

I might just have to get one. I was sitting here tonight thinking of what messages I would like to program in. After all, it can take up to 98. Here are a few I thought of:

• The 60s are over hippy freak
• Get the frick out of the left lane
• Buckle up your kid, moron
• Nice headlights
• Your gas hatch is open
• Ha, ha, passed you
• Have a good day
• Life sucks
• Why do you want your dog dead?
• In a wacky mood
• Bet you can’t catch me
• Slow poke