I Kissed a Girl

If I hear this song played just one more time on the radio, I might swerve my car into the the nearest power pole in hopes of dying in a fiery crash. What is so appealing about this song? Yet it is so catchy that my brain radio keeps playing it and I can’t seem to change the station.

For the record, I have also kissed a girl and I also liked it. I have also eaten a cheeseburger and I liked it. But I didn’t write a song about it.

If you haven’t heard it yet, please have a listen so that you can join my tortured world.

Grumpy Old Man

Am I becoming a grumpy old man? You be the judge.

Okay, I have no problem with the Muscular Dystrophy Association–in fact I have given money on and off over the years. I also have no problem with firefighters. These folks are heroes that are always there and stand ready to risk their lives to save ours. I have no problem with streets–they are a wonderful tool to get us from point A to point B.

What I can’t stand is the one time every year where these three wonderful entities converge to piss me off. Yes, it’s the annual Fill the Boot campaign. This is where thousands of firefighters across the country take to the streets to clog up traffic and endlessly badger motorists to throw some money into some smelly old boot for MDA.

How can this be legal? Who else can stand out in the middle of the street, beg for money, and get away with it? That’s right, no one. But apparently law enforcement looks the other way because it’s the firefighters. For like the last 5 years, I’ve threatened to complain to law enforcement to get this harrassment stopped. But I never have. And I probably won’t this year. And probably never will. I’ll just keep complaining to anyone else that will listen.

Lithia Sucks

I have never hesitated to use my blog as a sounding board to point out when a business just sucks. Boise Goodlife recently experienced horrible customer service when buying a car at Lithia. From being treated rudely by the salesman, to taking 2 hours to complete paperwork, to having a car that was not detailed, to a missing key and owners manual to boot, it was a nightmare experience.

But here’s the one that bugs me the most: They told her that they don’t fill the gas tank on a used car that is at least 1/4 full. Is that not outrageous? It’s standard practice for major dealerships to fill the tank of any car purchased–from the high-end models to the ugly duckling on the lot. Stay away from these jerks.

Grocery Shopping Rules

Aaaaagh! I recently had another frustrating supermarket shopping experience. It was quite similar to the Grocery Shopper From Hell tale I told several months back. I’ve had it with people too stupid to efficiently navigate a grocery store. Therefore the DITH Supreme Council has handed down several rulings–effective immediately.

Checks are now forbidden: Really? A check? Come on, at least update yourself to the 1990s and get a check card. It’s simple, quick, easy-to-use, and secure. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to painstakingly fill out your check and then the register before finally handing the check to the clerk. Then the clerk has to run it through the crazy check validating machine to make sure it’s legit. I bet that I’ve cumulatively spent 5 years of my life waiting just because people are too backwards to use a check card.

Cash use is severely restricted: Give me a break! Cash is even more ancient than checks. What, did you pull some cash out of your mattress for this shopping trip? However, never let it be said that I’m not tolerant. I’ll allow the use of cash with some restrictions. Supermarkets can still accept cash, but only paper money–no coins whatsoever. Purchases will be rounded up to the nearest dollar. I’m not about to stand around while you figure out if you have the correct change in your purse or pocket and/or have the clerk count change back to you. One exception: supermarkets can allow coinage if they have a separate “Cash Only” line. Regardless, shoppers will be encouraged to shamelessly ridicule cash users.

Middle-of-the-aisle stopping is prohibited: There’s nothing more frustrating than to have the person ahead of you stop their cart in the middle of the aisle. Common courtesy would call for moving as far to the right as humanly possible when you stop. However, the absence of common courtesy has necessitated this mandate. Violation is punishable by summary execution.

10 items or less means what it says: Not even one item over is allowed. Once again, violation is punishableby immediate, torturous, painful death.

Thanks to the DITH Supreme Council mandates, you’ll be able to once again enjoy shopping.

Murder, He Wrote

Every once in awhile, when I’m driving down the road, I decide to go on a murderous rampage. In particular, this happens when someone doesn’t signal a turn, cuts me off, drives 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, etc. When things like this happen, I stalk the offending party. I will follow them until they make a turn or go around a curve. Then I bump the back of their car so that they spin out of control and slide off the road. It’s a bonus if there happens to be some kind of drop off; that way, the car rolls down the embankment and the folks are killed in a spectacular, explosive fireball. It’s a very satisfying form of revenge.

Today, this jerk passed me and cut me off. I was pissed. I put my road rage hat on and followed for a couple of miles. Soon, we were coming up to a curve. Even better, there was a nice drop off on the other side of the curve, so I would get my ultimate reward of the fiery crash. I zoomed up on the car–ready to inflict my punishment. Just before I was to hit the car, to my horror I saw a Baby on Board sign in the back window. Crap. I may be a killer, but I’m not a baby killer. I backed off and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Seriously folks, why do people waste their money on a stupid little sign (most likely made in China by the way) announcing to me that they have a human less than a year old in the car? Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. But when I’m driving or doing anything else, I don’t put any less value on the lives of people that are not babies. All life, young and old, is precious.

But wait, maybe we’re on to something here. Let’s turn this program around. Let’s mandate signs for those that we do want to exterminate. (Pay no attention to the fact that this contradicts my previous statement about all life being precious). That way, they are clearly identified so that we can run them off the road to die in fiery crashes. Here are some good starter ideas:

• Child Molester On Board
• Ax Murderer On Board
• Al-Qaeda Member On Board

What do you think? Yes, the good ideas to improve life in the USA just never stop here at DITH.

The $2,200 Burger

Bryan Sampson just wanted a quick, cheap meal for his family. So he sent his wife to a Burger King in Meridian, Idaho. Sounds like a great Saturday afternoon meal right? Well, it was until he checked his bank account the next day and found that he had been charged $2,243.33 for a $22.43 meal!

He went back to the restaurant to get the problem resolved. However, the assistant manager on duty cancelled the debit charge rather than reversing it. Apparently, this causes the charge to still show pending for 3 days. To make matters worse, the manager is out of town until Tuesday and apparently no one can fix it. Meanwhile, as of Sunday, Sampson has 7 overdraft charges (at $35 a pop) and rising on his account.

This is not the first time Burger King has done this. In 2006, they charged a man in Glendale, California $4,334.33 for a $4.33 meal. Now I get it–people make mistakes. But that’s why they should have safeguards in place for this. It would be a unique to each restaurant, but there should be an upper limit above which it prompts the cashier to confirm that the amount is correct. For Burger King, $50 would be a good limit before it requires confirmation. Of course, this just makes too much sense.

What, Now I Can’t Bring My Grenades onto the Plane?

A member of the military was arrested today after trying to go through airport security with two grenades in Yakima, Washington. Okay, they were training grenades. They had lives fuses but no explosives in them. But really, what was this guy thinking? I know, I know, it was probably an “honest mistake”–pipe down. But was it really an honest mistake?

When I pack for a flight, I first go through each pocket of the luggage and remove everything. That way, I know I’m starting off legal. Then as I’m packing, I’m thinking about each item to make sure it’s going to pass happily through security. Once the kids are finished packing, I do my own separate security search of their bags. They last thing I need is a full body cavity search from an oh-so-friendly TSA agent brought on by the kids loading up their luggage with guns, bombs, and knives–just to see how much fun it is to get dad in trouble.

Sorry, I don’t give this guy a pass. For the privilege of flying, you need to take a few extra minutes to exercise some responsibility in how and what you pack.

I Thought You Wanted Change

Today Mitt Romney announced that he was suspending his campaign, paving the way for John McCain to win the Republican nomination. On Super Tuesday the Democratic race was pretty evenly split, but Hillary Clinton did finally pull into the lead on delegates. The race is far from over on the Democratic side, but Clinton now has more than 50% of the delegates needed for the nomination.

I thought everyone wanted change. If we end up with McCain and Clinton, that’s about as far from change as we can possibly get. They won’t even have to hire a moving company–they can just carry their boxes from their Senate offices over to the White House.

Gas Prices Headed Up Again?

Well, strap yourselves in. It looks like gas prices may be headed steeply higher over the next several years. It would really save me some time if I could just have my paycheck direct-deposited into the oil companies’ bank accounts. I’ll have to check into the feasibility of that and get back with you. Meanwhile, reason #160 that this country is doomed: cheap cars in Asia.

Indian automaker Tata has introduced a 2-cylinder, 4-passenger car that will retail for $2,500. With the rising incomes and the introduction of cheap cars like this, automobile ownership in Asia is expected to skyrocket over the next several years.

There are 2 billion people in China and India compared to 300 million in the US. While these cars are extremely fuel efficient, the sheer number of new cars on the road will sharply increase demand for oil when supplies are already tight.

But just look at the car. It’s a death trap. But hey, it will save on burial expenses. The car can easily double as a casket. They will be able to dig a hole and just place the car (with deceased occupants inside) in the grave.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/01/30/news/international/mini_cars_gas/index.htm

Naming Rights for This Blog Now Available

Apparently the Rose Garden Arena in Portland (home of my beloved Portland Trailblazers) is one of the last NBA arenas that has not sold naming rights. I just found out from John that this will not be the case starting with the 2008-2009 season. Yes, the beloved Rose Garden sign will be removed forever and replaced by the corporate logo of the highest bidder.

I am really conflicted on this. The sentimental, near-life-long fan in me definitely does not want this to happen. The Rose Garden name has meaning; Nike Arena (or whatever it turns out to be) is meaningless. However, the capitalist in me says go for it and make every penny you can. That’s the American way.

It’s not likely anything I or anyone else says will change their minds. I’m going to just give up and join in the cash bonanza. So this blog is announcing the sale of naming rights. I understand that the oil companies and Microsoft have lots of spare cash. Perhaps they’d be willing to throw some my way. As soon as the check clears, the Dad in the Headlights moniker will be removed forever and replaced by the winner’s company name and logo.

Now Mr. CFO, you may not think that this would be a very good investment on your part. On the contrary; you need to be aware that this blog generates tens of hits per day. This will indeed be mutually-beneficial partnership. Make your bid today in the comments section.

Change, Change, Change: Shut Up Already!

Change. That seems to be what all of the candidates are talking about. Of course, they won’t tell us what that change is. We just need change for change’s sake, right? Regardless of who gets elected, I’m worried that change (in my pocket) is all that I’ll be left with.

The video below put together by Hugh Atkin is fantastic. The first 45 seconds or so are a bit tedious, but then he takes sound bytes from speeches to sing David Bowie’s song Changes.

I Need Some Stimulation, Please

So it looks like we’re going to get an “economic stimulus package” jammed down our throats whether we like it or not. It’s all about politics. If either party had refused to go along, the other party would have used it against them in the upcoming elections. So in the end, they all agree to squander our future to win the next election. The problem is, stimulus packages don’t work. Our economy is too big for a $300-$600 check per person to have any real impact. Plus, think about it: we import most of our stuff, so a good chunk of the money will be going overseas.

However, the real problem is that we are just adding to an already crushing federal debt (see my previous post Looming Federal Fiscal Crisis: A Wake-up Call). It is simply immoral. We are going to go out and buy another iPod, TV, iPhone, or take a mini-vacation and put it on the national credit card that our kids and grand-kids are will have to pay. Proleptic Life has a great post on this angle of the story–check it out.

The Grocery Shopper From Hell

I think I ran into a 60-year-old lady that was on her first-ever grocery shopping trip. She was in front of me at the checkout line. She had placed her items on the conveyor belt and was standing there clutching her purse. The clerk asked for her loyalty card (I hate those things, by the way). The lady stood there in silence for a moment and then said “Hmmm?”. The clerk asked again: “Do you have a loyalty club card?” Finally you could see the 20 watt bulb above her head flickering ever so faintly. She opened her purse and rooted around in there for approximately 3 days before she found it. The clerk took her card and the clerk scanned it. The lady then returned the card to her purse and closed it.

The clerk scanned her items and said “Your total comes to $26.37″. Oh no…I saw that the light had gone out again. The lady struggled for a few moments to understand. Then she finally jerked just a little as the light flickered back to life and she realized that she needed to pay. She opened the purse again and fumbled around trying to find her wallet. She found it, then painstakingly searched for the correct bills and change. I was dying as she counted out what felt like 2,637 individual pennies to pay for her items. Has she ever heard of a debit card? Has she ever heard of not taking 6 days to complete a simple grocery purchase? In general, I’m a pretty patient, easy-going guy. She really tried my patience. But I was nice. I didn’t say a word.

Get Out of the Friggin Left Lane!

Ok, I ran into like 5 boneheads on the way home this evening that don’t know how to drive on the freeway. Here’s a clue: Use the left lane for passing, then move back to the right lane! I can’t believe how many people impede traffic by hanging out in the left lane for no particular reason. I have just submitted a project to the DITH R&D department. We are going to develop a tactical nuke small enough to take out just a single car. That way, when morons are clogging up the left lane, I can vaporize them!

Bekki, please take note of this. I don’t want to have to take you out.  

HP Sucks

This just in from the Dad In The Headlights Consumer Protection Division: Hewlett-Packard royally sucks.

I am completely convinced that HP has developed a secret technology to cause products to fail right after the warranty has expired. This has happened to me twice with HP products over the past several years.

The first was with a laptop. The week after the warranty expired, the power jack broke off inside the computer. I contacted HP support and the only thing they could offer me was a “great deal” on an upgrade. It turned out that their awesome deal was more than everyday prices at any local computer store. I checked into getting it repaired, but it would have involved replacing the entire motherboard. In the end, it would have cost more to repair than to replace. So, I tore it apart piece by piece and spread the remains across eBay. I probably got about $200 for a laptop that cost a lot more than that.

Fast forward to 2007. We had problems with our HP printer several times throughout the year. It would suddenly just start printing out blank pages–even with full cartridges. Each time, I would get with technical support and go through excruciating steps to finally get it working again. Well this week, even technical support couldn’t get it going again and they said there was nothing more they could do. And yes, you guessed it–just a couple of weeks after the warranty ran out. They once again offered me these incredible deals on upgrades that were not such great deals. I pointed out that their own records showed that the problems started well before the warranty expired. However, they politely said that they would be happy to replace the printer–if it was still under warranty. Grrr….

Whatever happened to good customer service? I know, they are not required to do anything beyond the letter of the warranty. I get it…pipe down. If I were running a company, I think that I would have an unpublished grace period on warranties. If a product fails within “x” number of weeks of the warranty expiration and the customer requests it, I would replace the product. At the very least, they could have actually offered a good deal on a new printer and I would have been happy.

Instead, if this post deters just one person from buying an HP product, they are money behind by not keeping me happy. (Evil laughter)

Game Crazy Sucks

I wanted relate an experience a good friend had with Game Crazy. She wanted to pick up a Nintendo Wii, but the local Game Crazy was out. However, she got placed on a waiting list by leaving a deposit. The store promised to call when the unit arrived. After waiting quite some time, she called the store to get a status. The friendly representative said that the unit was in and that she needed to pick it up that day. She asked for a few days since she didn’t have the time that day, nor did she want to pay the $700 in gas it would have taken to make the 60 mile round trip. The friendly representative refused. They said the unit had already been in for 3 days, so they couldn’t hold it any longer. My friend explained that she never received a notification that it had arrived. She wasn’t asking for any special treatment–just the 3 days to pick it up that they were offering everyone else. The pea brain store representative couldn’t get it through their skull what she was trying to explain and insisted that the Wii had to be picked up that day or they would sell it to someone else.

How stupid can they be? They had a deposit in hand and the Wii was in such short supply that they could have easily sold the unit if she didn’t show up within a few days. There was no financial downside to Game Crazy to provide good customer service. The only financial downside is if you piss off the customer and then they tell others and then someone posts a blog entry about it. Now the financial losses are starting to mount.

That’s the staff of Dad In The Headlights looking out for you, the consumer.

The Green Movement Hits The Funeral Industry

You probably thought that the yappy, ankle-biting poodle that is the green movement was only going to harass you until you die right? Think again. The green movement is now targeting the $11 billion funeral industry according to an article on cnn.com. “Green” cemeteries featuring “natural” burials are starting to pop-up around the nation. It’s gotten big enough that there is now an industry group called the Green Burial Council that offers certifications to funeral homes. That way, you can make sure they are really as green as they say.

This evil conservative is not convinced, for the most part, that the green movement is having any real impact on environmental problems (some real, most imaginary). And even if I grant you that we have serious problems and need to take drastic steps, we wouldn’t see the slightest blip on the radar if we mandated that all burials are natural.

No, this is really more about greenbacks than going green. I’m sure there are some die-hard environmentalists running some of these green funeral homes, but there is definitely an element here taking advantage of increased “environmental awareness” to make a buck. And God bless them. That’s great and it is wat capitalism is all about. I just think it’s important to understand the real motivation.

In early November, NBC had a Green is Universal week in which they embedded going green propaganda into all their programs. These messages told you about steps you could take and products you could buy to help the environment. Well guess what? NBC’s parent company is General Electric; a company that produces many products being pushed by the shows: compact fluorescent bulbs, LED lighting, energy efficient appliances, wind turbines, and solar power. Again, making money on a fad is great. I just think it’s important to follow the money to understand the true motivation.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up my Styrofoam-powered car that I just ordered. 

Kohl’s Sucks

Okay, it’s time once again for a rant on a business. In the cross-hairs today: Kohl’s department store

As I acknowledged in a previous post (Fuddruckers Sucks), any business can have a bad day. So I’ll always give them a couple of tries if things are not going well. Kohl’s finally opened in our area about a year ago. Well, we have been there three separate times now and have had problems each time. They have what appear to be some good deals, but the quality is severely lacking. Each time we were shopping for clothes and each time we ended up with a damaged article. The damage ranged anywhere from a stain to a tear to a failed seam.

We haven’t been back since. However, I was just talking with a friend recently and heard about their experience. They were shopping in the toy section. When they got home and tried out the toy, it didn’t work. So they returned to the store and exchanged the item. Same story with the second today…no worky.

I don’t think it can be chalked up to coincidence that every Kohl’s shopping experience I’m familiar with has had a problem with the merchandise. So I don’t really recommend Kohl’s. But if you do go, check out what you are buying very carefully to avoid a return trip.

Men and Public Restrooms

Okay, now I realize this title could be a bit disturbing–particularly after the Larry Craig incident. However, I assure you this is not like that. This is merely a rant where I assert that 75% of men do not know how to properly use a public restroom.

Despite the high journalistic standards employed by Dad in the Headlights, this figure is not based on a scientific sampling of public restrooms. Rather, it’s a ballpark figure based on my experiences. Let’s set the stage. Imagine you are at a sports event and it’s halftime. You (a man) hit the restroom to pee because of the beers you’ve been enjoying. Everyone else also waited for halftime, so you are waiting in line.

Here’s where things start annoying me. 50% of men will not use a stall to pee when all the urinals are taken. Why is that? Do all these people have home urinals, so they aren’t used to using a toilet to pee? The other 50% (those that don’t have home urinals) will actually use a toilet. Great. They are helping use the restroom to its full capacity so that we can all get back to the game faster. Unfortunately, 50% of these folks still get it wrong.

Of those that use a stall to pee, 50% do not lock the door. What is wrong with you? While privacy may not be as much of an issue since your back is turned, do you really want someone bursting in and smacking you with the door? I really don’t want to peer through the door or under the stall to see if someone is in there (I’m not Larry Craig after all). The test of whether a stall is in use is whether it’s locked or not.

So there you have it, only 25% of men know how to use a public restroom. Happy peeing!

Fuddruckers Sucks

I have a rule about trying new restaurants: If I don’t like it the first time, I always give them a second chance. Everyone has a bad day, right? Even an entire restaurant. About a year ago, a Fuddruckers came to town. I kept hearing people at work brag about how incredible the place was. I finally relented and took the family. In short, we hated it. But per my policy, I gave it a second try today. Let’s review my culinary adventure.

As we walked up to the door, we were greeted with pleasant Christmas wreathes hanging on the doors. We opened the door and walked in to bone-jarring shouts of “Hi guys! Welcome to Fuddruckers!” from the kitchen staff across the way. So much for my relaxed, festive mood. From the front door, we were funneled into the cattle chute to weave our way toward the register to order (think airport security or the line to a Disneyland ride without the benefit of the FastPass). I settled in for my 10 minute wait in line and began surveying the menu. They have various items, but they claim to have the “World’s Greatest Hamburgers”, so that’s what I settled on. So, burger, fries, and a drink: $9.50. Wow, a little spendy. Oh well, it must be worth it. They took my name and payment and handed back this massive plastic cup for my beverage. Sweet!

But still no food. You have to make your way to a table and wait again. The décor of the restaurant is pleasant. It has a mixture of antiques hanging from the walls and ceiling, and various local items to give it more of a homey feel. The table is covered by that red and white plaid tablecloth you are familiar with on a picnic table. Hmmm. Pricey $10 lunch…and I’m sitting at a picnic table? Ewww…to make matters worse, it’s a sticky plastic finish on the tablecloth. My cup and arm stick to the table. Now if these things will stick to the tablecloth, what about germs. Just saying…

The orders are called out over blaring speakers located throughout the restaurant. “TOM, YOUR ORDER IS READY!” As you might imagine, this just adds to the peaceful, relaxing atmosphere. After about 10 minutes, I’m finally called to retrieve my food. ($10 lunch and I have to pick up my own food?).

I go up to the pick-up area and am handed a plastic basket with the paper lining on the bottom (strange, it doesn’t seem like a fast food place). On the paper is an open-faced hamburger patty on the bun along with my fries. That’s it, no toppings whatsoever. Apparently they have various stations where you add the topping you would like. ($10 lunch and I have to build the burger myself?) I went to the first station, which had all the usual veggies you would expect. So I threw on some lettuce and a little bit of onion. Then I’m looking around for the mayo. There are so many people milling around building their $10 burgers that I nearly bumped into one. Thankfully a tragic, burger-ending, collision was averted. The last thing I wanted to do was get back in line. At that point, I would have left and just hit McDonalds. I finally found the mayo, finished building my $10 burger, and carefully headed back to the table.

Okay, well it has not been the most pleasant experience so far, but now I’m ready to chow down on my world class $10 burger. Yeah…not so much. It was not particularly juicy or tasty–it was actually rather dry and tasteless. So now I’ve spent way too much time and way too much money on a crappy burger…great! So can anyone explain the appeal of this place to me? If I want I decent burger at a good price, fast, I’ll go to most any fast food restaurant and be satisfied. If I want a great burger, at an okay price, at a sit-down place, I’ll go to some place like Red Robin, Chili’s, etc. What’s the appeal of Fuddruckers? It seems to embody the worst of all worlds: high price, crappy burger, slow service, and I have to dress it up myself! If you have a good answer to this, I’d love to hear it.