The dreaded song demons are at it again. With the death of Michael Jackson, I have been listening to some of his songs the last few days. Man in the Mirror really speaks to the journey I started a couple of weeks ago. Yes, any change I want to make must start with me.

For the record, I love his music–particularly 80s and early 90s. I just want to enjoy his music for what it is. I refuse to watch the tabloid stuff about the problems in his life and ultimately his death.

Enjoy…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbzMsIcp6fI

For my regular readers (was kind of surprised that there were any left given how little I have posted lately), you have probably been wondering what’s going on. First off, my posting has dropped to almost nil. Then I posted 3 relatively profound songs and vague details on something percolating in my life. I have always been a very private person by nature (so I have a blog why again?), but I do want to provide a thumbnail sketch of what is going on.

Several week ago, I had what I like to call an awakening. It was a realization that I was not the person that I want to be and deciding that now is the time to make the changes I want to transition to the person that I do want to be. Mid-life crises, maybe; becoming the person I want to be, absolutely.

Don’t panic too much. We’re not talking about radical changes–at least from an outward standpoint. You might not have even noticed any real changes if I didn’t talk about them in my blog. I’m not going to get 12 tattoos (hmmm, 1? maybe), not going to start skydiving (hmmm once? maybe), not going to buy sports car or a motorcycle, no torrid affairs.

So here are some of the things I want the new me to be:

• Self-confident
• Comfortable with myself
• Not willing to always put myself last–and not feel guilty
• Accepting of compliments without feeling unworthy or guilty
• Accepting of help without feeling unworthy or guilty
• Willing to try new things
• Willing to be out of my comfort zone

Basically, I will no longer to be the painfully shy, angst-filled person that I have been since I was a teenager–if not earlier.

I also want to care more about those around me. With my family and friends, I want to speak kinder, be more patient, be more loving, compliment more often, and show how very much I care for and love them. For the next circle of people I interact with, anywhere from co-workers to the convenience store clerk, I want to always give a smile and genuinely take an interest in their lives.

Really, most of these changes are internal in how I look at myself and how I choose to interact with others in a more positive way. I have already started transitioning to the new me (1 week and counting) and I seriously already “feel” it. I am happier, more relaxed, more confident, and feel more control of my life than perhaps ever.

Well, I think that’s quite enough for now. If you made it this far, congratulations!

I think I smell a new regular feature to get me posting regularly again. Maybe I’ll entitle it “Seen on I-84″ or something like that.

Anyway, this is a picture of a cool old car that I took while driving riding on I-84 at the Flying Wye interchange. However, I really need to get a phone with a better camera if this is to be a new feature.

Okay, I took this picture while driving riding on I-84 between Nampa and Caldwell. I mean, is this something I should be concerned about at all? Something doesn’t look quite right, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Okay, the song demons are at it again. Here’s the song speaking to me today: One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks. I had just always thought it was fun to listen. But now the lyrics are hitting home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzyys6kW8yg

It’s been quite a sucky week, month, year, etc. I was listening to this 80s classic by Howard Jones and it seems to really speak to me today. The video is pretty wacky. Maybe watch the video and then go back and play it a second time with your eyes closed to take in the words.

I need to have a serious discussion with my brain. I am simply not happy with its performance in regards to dreams. First of all, I’m seeing too many repeats. They say that we use only 10% of our brain’s potential, so I think it’s got plenty of time to come up with original material. I simply won’t put up with this laziness anymore. It wouldn’t be so bothersome if it was a good dream being repeated, but in this case it is an unpleasant dream. I can’t remember the details now, but I know that it was not fun.

Secondly, I want to see my dream requests fulfilled. After all, it’s my brain and it darn well better do what I ask. I have always wanted to experience space travel. However, I can’t afford such a trip. Even if it were free, I might very well chicken out. So, I want a nice space travel dream. But has my wish been granted yet? Of course not.

So brain: Stop with the repeats and give me my space trip or there will be serious consequences!

John recently completed this high school meme. It looked like fun, so I’m following suite. Feel free to post your own and let me know.

1. Did you date someone from your school? My high school years were sad and pathetic romantically (and in most other ways as well). I didn’t date in high school. 

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? No, I married someone from my wife’s high school.

3. Did you car pool to school? Sometimes. Mostly though, I walked before I got my license and drove by myself after. 

4. What kind of car did you have? A puke-green 1975 Chevy Vega. This may explain my answer to #1.

5. What kind of car do you have now? A red 2008 Toyota Corolla.

6. Its Friday night…where are you now? Watching TV and having a beer.

7. It is Friday night…where were you then? You would probably find me with John. Either at his house, my house, a high school sports game, or cruising. And if we were cruising, you’d find us chugging…a 7-11 Super Big Gulp. 

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I was a gas station attendant at a Chevron gas station.

9. What kind of job do you do now? I’m an IS Administrator.

10. Were you a party animal? No.

11. Were you considered a flirt? No.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Yes, I was a band nerd. Yet more evidence for #1.

13. Were you a nerd? I won the trifecta of nerd-dom: band, science club, and chess club.

14. Did you get suspended from school? No, not in high school. I was suspended once or twice in Middle School.

15. Can you sing the fight song? No. However, it is to the tune of On Wisconsin. I guess our school was too poor to come up with its own song.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? Ms. Richter (Math) and Mr. Endicott (Social Studies).

17. Where did you sit during lunch? In a chair like everyone else.

18. What was your school’s full name? Ontario High School

19. Where did you party the most? My place or John’s.

20. What was your school mascot? The Tigers! And this was during the 80s. In band, we played Eye of the Tigers so much it made our ears bleed.

21. Would you do it again? Only if I could do it right this time.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Do we have to keep bringing up dating? Are you tring to rub salt into the wound? Please again refer to #1.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? One last time, see #1.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Most likely. It makes for some cheap entertainment.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A few of them.

26. What are/were your school’s colors? Cardinal & Corn, whatever the heck those are. How about red and yellow?

I’m not sure what’s in the water lately, but I’ve got two friends on different ends of the country considering a move to England. The way things are going in the US, maybe it’s not a bad idea. I think England would be a blast.

Anyway, in their honor, here is England Swings by Roger Miller.

Okay, I’m forcing you to join me in my boredom at the tire shop. Hey, get back here. I need some company.

Yesterday, we woke up to some snow on the ground. The Older Daughter is now driving to school every day. Being an adult with lots of life experience, I advised her to keep her speed down and not follow too close. Then I headed out to work.

It really wasn’t that slick…until…the final road leading to my workplace. Me…the responsible adult…with all my life experience…found myself going a little faster than I should have and following a little too close. I discovered this fact when the truck in front of me came to a sudden, dead stop. I hit the brakes, but just slid. All I had time to do was swerve to avoid rear-ending the truck. I jumped the curb and then ran over some concrete scraps. There was a nasty scraping noise underneath the car. Not missing a beat, I regained control and got right back on the road. There didn’t seem by be anything wrong with the car.

Backtrack with me to a few months ago. Same tire shop said that I needed new tires, but that they could go a little longer. Looking at the bank account and the economy, I decided to wait. I was hoping I could milk them until next fall to save a few bucks. This is the responsible, smart adult thinking again. I had noticed some loss of traction…particularly with water, dirt, or gravel on the road. After yesterday, it would appear that this same loss of traction also applies to ice and snow. Go figure.

Since I drive about 30,000 miles per year, I decided to go with tire that has the longest tread life, longest warranty, and, therefore, the highest price. They are the Toyo Eclipse. It’s going to be a little under $600 out the door for the 4 tires. The warranty is for 70,000 miles. Sheesh, they’re only going to last a little over 2 years. Oh well, better $600 every couple years than $400 every year I guess.

While I’m here, they’re going to hoist the car up high enough to see if there is any damage under the car. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. However, given my luck, you’ll see another post soon about the damage.

Thanks for hanging out with me at the tire shop and listening to my sad, boring tale. You may go now if you would like. I might just take a nap while I wait.

It’s my God-given right to:

• Empty every last little bit of trash out of my car when I get gas
• Try every sample at Costco and walk away during the sales pitch without feeling any guilt
• Get new sheets and towels EVERY day in a hotel and not feel guilty about the environment
• Look at all the hot chicks I want to. If they’re displaying it, I can look as long as I don’t touch. The Wife and I have an understanding on that.
• Rudely end a sales call…particularly if they won’t take no for an answer when I’m nice
• Pee outside. I live on a 20-acre ranch. I can find plenty of places to fulfill this primal need without exposing myself to the public.
• Get 27 refills of my soft drink if the restaurant offers free refills

It’s my God-given right.

We had a major thunderstorm last night. It took our power out for a couple of hours. Having the power go out really messes me up. You’ll find me stumbling around the house searching for flashlights and candles. We have plenty of them, but I think that they have some secret evil pact in which they hide from me when I actually need them. Plus, there must have been at least a dozen times that I walked into a room and thought to myself “Hey, it’s dark in here…I need to turn the light on.” And I actually tried turning it on before realizing that…duh…it won’t work.

After the rain passed, we grabbed some lawn chairs, a few brewskies, and headed out to watch the storm. We just love watching thunderstorms at night. It was in the distance, so it wasn’t that risky. We had some nice conversation and enjoyed the nice breeze. Good times.

Thanks to John via Chris for this one.

Here’s a meme with 50 seemingly random questions that I will answer with my expert writing abilities.

1. What do you add to your coffee? I love the smell of coffee but generally need creamer to withstand the taste. Actually as I age and my taste buds die off, black coffee is starting to work for me.
2. What are you reading now? I have kids. When do I have time to read? During vacation next week, I plan on reading Who in Hell is Wanda Fuca? by G.M. Ford.
3. Do you own a gun?  No, two (evil laughter).
4. Are you registered to vote? Absolutely. If you don’t want to participate in our democracy, shut up if you don’t like what’s going on.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Doctors freak me out. I have to lay down when they draw blood out of fear of passing out.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I love them, but don’t ever tell me what’s in them or how they are made. 
7. Favorite Christmas Song? No contest. Bing Crosby’s White Christmas
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Mountain Dew
9. Can you do push ups? I don’t know. It’s better that I not try…I might be embarrased.
10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m such a freak. My first girlfriend’s name was Lee. And this was in college (laugh amongst yourselves). The kicker is that I turned her into a lesbian. Yes, I was the last guy she dated before switching teams.
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring is my favorite (and only) jewelry I wear.
12. Favorite hobby? I have kids. When do I have time for hobbies? I guess the closest thing I have to a hobby is blogging.
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? (Dies laughing and is unable to answer)
14. Do you have ADD? I do not believe so.
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I’ll answer tomorrow.
16. What’s your Middle name? Too paranoid to answer. You might track me down.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. How can I find a way to be on vacation permanently? Pizza rules. Beer rules.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Gas, t-shirt, dinner at Subway.
19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Diet Mountain Dew, water, beer.
20. Current worry right now?  Being successful in my new job.
21. What side do you dress to? I’m not really sure what this means. Left-right? Gay-straight? I don’t know how to answer.
22. Favorite place to be? The Oregon Coast
23. How did you bring in the New Year? I watched New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with the Younger Daughter.
24. Where would you like to go? Hawaii
25. Name three people who will complete this. No
26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? I want everyone to play along. Do it.
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Dark blue
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?.  No, I’m not a chick.
29. Can you whistle?  Yes
30. Favorite color? Red
31. Could you be a pirate? Unlikely
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Our of respect for my family members, I do not sing in the shower.
33. Favorite girls name?  Heather
34. Favorite boy’s name? Jeff
35. What’s in your pocket right now?  Cell phone, keys, and $0.50
36. Last thing that made you laugh? I looked in the mirror.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Star Wars
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I sprained my ankle so badly when I was a junior in high school that I was on crutches for several day.
39. Do you love where you live? I like it, but don’t love it.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?  5, but only 2 are used regularly.
41. Who is your loudest friend?  Probably John (sorry John)
42. How many dogs do you have? Two
43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Not that I’m aware of.
44. What are the most fun things you ever did? I don’t know.
45. What are your favorite books? Refer back to #2.
46. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms
47. Favorite Team? Portland Trailblazers
48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? I don’t want a funeral. Please have a party and laugh about the good times we had.
49. What were you doing at 12 AM? On the computer when I should have been sleeping.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Morning comes much to early in the day. Can we start it at about noon?

For the next week, DITH will be on location in beautiful Cascade, Idaho keeping you up to date on the latest events there. This may include none, one, some, or all of the following:

• Reflections on my recently-completed employment of 17 years (yawn)
• Thoughts on my new job starting soon (double yawn)
• Exciting happenings in Cascade (crickets)
• Random blatherings from my mind (razor blades to the wrist)
• Fishing experiences from novice fishermen, fisherpeople..whatever we have to call them now (there may actually be something funny stuff from this).

As always, this exclusive content is available at no extra charge. However, contributions are always happily accepted.

For the first time in 17 years, I found myself unemployed on Friday. Regular readers know that I found out that I would be losing my job last fall and that I have, in fact, found a new job that I will start in about a week. So I’m actually only going to be unemployed for a week. But it makes for a good headline, no?

The final week at the old job was quite a challenge. I had accepted the finality of it and just wanted the week to be over so that I could move on. I grew more excited that the end was near as the week wore on. Then Friday rolled around. I had decided that I would spend the morning saying good-bye to as many people as I could. As I made the rounds, I felt a profound sadness. After all, these are the folks that I have shared a substantial part of my last 17 years with. We have shared teamwork, laughter, hard work, success (most of the time), and failure (occasionally). But we have always been a team…at times like a family. That’s the toughest thing to leave behind–the wonderful people.

As I walked out the door for the final time, a smile swept across my face. And in fact this smile lasted the rest of the day. It was a selfish smile. One celebrating the accomplishments of my time there, the fact that the turmoil is finished for me, and that I am moving on to a new, exciting chapter in my career.

For my colleagues that remain, I wish nothing but the best for them. Despite the huge personnel cuts, I still have a lot of friends at the company and the company means a lot to the local economy. I wish nothing but success for the company and my former colleagues going forward.

Those of you that follow this blog regularly may recall that I found out last fall that I would be losing my job to outsourcing in July. I’ve been looking inside and outside my company since then and had not been successful in finding something that was a good fit.

Well, that has finally changed for the good. I was just offered a position as the IT Administrator for a small manufacturing company. Basically, I’m going to be their one-man IT department. It is going to be a radical change from being in a very specialized position at a large company to a jack of all trades at a small company. However, I’m looking forward to the new challenge, and thankfully they are willing let me work through the learning curve on some of the areas that I’m not as strong in.

Since one blog is not enough, I’m starting a new blog called One Man IT Shop to chronicle my transformation from a Fortune 500 IT foot soldier to the general of a one-man IT army. It’s going to bore the snot out of just about everyone. I put the chances at less than 50% that even one person will be interested. But it’s mostly there for me anyway.

I think that a lot of times we are anxious to move on to the next stage in life because we think it’s going to be so much better: When we’re in high school, we want to be adults; when we’re out of high school, we want to be married; when we’re married, we want kids; when we have kids, we sometimes look forward to them moving on; then we long for retirement so we can relax and enjoy life. We never seem content with the here and now. However, the here in now is what we have. We need to linger and enjoy every minute of it. These are the precious times that we will one day long to return to.

A fabulous song, “You’re Gonna Miss This”, by Trace Adkins does a great job of reminding us to enjoy today because it will be gone all too soon, and we’ll wish we had it back. Check out the lyrics below and/or listen here.

She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaining, saying “I can’t wait to turn 18″
She said “I’ll make my own money, and I’ll make my own rules”
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
And she kissed her head and said “I was just like you

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

Before she knows it she’s a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her “It’s a nice place”
She says “It’ll do for now”
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says “Baby, just slow down

Cause you’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

Five years later there’s a plumber workin’ on the water heater
Dog’s barkin’, phone’s ringin’
One kid’s cryin’, one kid’s screamin’
And she keeps apologizin’
He says “They don’t bother me.
I’ve got 2 babies of my own.
One’s 36, one’s 23.
Huh, it’s hard to believe, but…

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

We try not to get too sappy here at DITH. However, this simple story of selflessness is touching and deserves a wider audience. Please take a moment to read “A flight of compassion“. It reminds us all that we to think of the needs of other sometimes rather than just ourselves.

It’s a rare treat when The Wife and I are able to meet for lunch during a busy work day. Yesterday was such an occasion. We met for lunch at a Chinese place not too far from where I work. It was a nice break from a hectic day. We caught up on life, talked about the kids, talked about the new business, etc. Alas, the time passed much too fast and soon we were cracking open our fortune cookies and paying for lunch. My jaw dropped when I read my fortune:

Ok, I know you are like: so what? Those that follow this blog know that I am being laid off this summer. My last day happens to be July 18th. This is exactly 3 months after our lunch date: April 18th.

How freaky is that?

As the years roll by, I find it really interesting what will spark a long-buried memory. The Younger Daughter wanted to play a board game recently. She went to the game closet and pulled out an ancient game that I, for some unknown reason, have been lugging around for years–Bermuda Triangle. This game was introduced by Milton Bradley in 1976. It doesn’t appear that they are still producing it, though I don’t know how long it was on the market.

In a nutshell, you have a fleet of ships going from port to port delivering cargo. You earn money for each successful delivery. Unfortunately, there is an evil cloud that moves randomly about the board sucking up ships in its wake. It is mostly a game of chance; however, there is some strategy involved in trying to block other ships from docking safely away from the cloud.

I enjoyed the game as a child, but wasn’t really excited that she had chosen this game. But, that’s what she wanted to play, so that’s what we’ll do. I opened up the box to start setting up the game. When I pulled the board out, I noticed several blades of grass in the bottom of the box. This seemingly random discovery is where I took a quick journey back about 30 years.

My best friend during my pre-teen years lived just 3 houses down. We were inseparable. On a beautiful, sunny, summer day in western Oregon, he had come over for an afternoon of fun. We were just finishing up sandwiches and lemonade that my mom had made. After that, our first order of business was to get some trucks to honk at us. You see, we lived about a half a mile from a sawmill. So, we would go stand out by the road and pump our arms to get the log truck drivers to honk.

When we tired of that, we decided that it was time for a board game. We settled on Bermuda Triangle, but decided that it was much too nice of a day to sit inside at the kitchen table. So we took the game and our lemonade out on front lawn. I don’t recall how the game went or who won and I really don’t care. It was a great, lazy summer day.

This memory had been tucked away in my brain until the discovery of the blades of grass that had been in the Bermuda Triangle box for nearly 30 years. It was with almost sadness that I cleaned out the box. But I don’t want to be some freak that saves 30-year-old grass.

You saw the game box above. Now look at a zoom in on a particular part of the box. Here’s something you don’t see much anymore: “Made in U.S.A.”

So I’ve been complaining about the cloudy, rainy weather all this week during our stay in Portland. Well, I finally got my wish–a change! Yesterday, there was this bright, glowing ball that appeared in the sky for a few short minutes. I feared that it was a nuclear explosion or an alien invasion. However, apparently the locals call this thing the sun. And get this: we are lucky enough to be here for its semi-annual appearance. How sweet is that?

Furthermore, we awoke to snow on the ground on the ground this morning. It quickly melted. Now we are in a vicious cycle of clouds, hail, rain, clear, sun, repeat. Now that’s change I can believe in.

Hold on, it looks like I’ve got some moss starting to form on my back from all the rain. I’d better take care of this. Signing out for now.

Despite being on vacation, there are a few things I miss about being home. Let’s take a look at what I miss and don’t miss. That way, we can determine if a prefer vacation or the daily grind.

What I Miss

• Easy access to a computer: I mean, it’s right here in the spare bedroom and they have high speed Internet access. But they don’t leave it on all the time, so I have to wait like 5 minutes for it to boot up. Plus I feel guilty about hiding away.
• Our best friends: We hang out with our best friends just about every weekend, and so we probably won’t see them for a couple weeks now.
• Traffic: It may sound strange, but it’s true. We live in the country, so there is no traffic compared to Portland. A traffic jam in the country is getting caught behind some slow-moving farm equipment.
• The Older Daughter: She went to Disneyland with her best friend and her family. I’m jealous, but miss her just the same.
• TiVo: I’ve come to a point where I don’t watch anything live. I record it with TiVo and watch it later so that I can skip past the commercials. Plus it’s nice to be able to skip back a few seconds to catch the dialogue I missed when all the dogs bark their heads off.

What I Don’t Miss

• Work
• The alarm clock
• Worry about looking for a new job
• The daily routine
• Having absolutely no free time
• Getting up early: I’m a night owl and love to stay up ridiculously late and sleep in
• Brown: I do love the green of western Oregon over the brown of southwestern Idaho.

So there we have it: I have 7 things I don’t miss and 5 that I do. So I think that I should just stay on vacation forever. What do you think?

Okay, my posting rate has been a little slow over the last few days. So I’m lifting a meme from John to get things moving along again. With this meme, you basically tell 8 facts about yourself and then tag someone else. I’m not going to officially tag anyone, but be a good sport and play along okay?

1. Both of my grandpas were named after famous people: Jesse James and Benjamin Franklin. Unfortunately, I never had the pleasure meeting either one (neither the grandpas nor the actual famous people).

2. I have ridden in the back of a police car and briefly checked out the county jail. You see, back in junior high, we had a zero-tolerance policy for fighting. If you were caught, you automatically got to ride to the county jail–about 13 miles away. They scared the hell out of you by showing you some cells, then your parents got to come pick you up. The fight was so minor that it was not worth it. No charges were filed. In retrospect, I should have drawn some blood or something for all the trouble of having my parents pick me up from jail.

3. Several years back, I was a good sport and took Irish dance lessons with the Younger Daughter. For the record, she grew bored of it and decided to quit–not me.

4. My biggest traffic pet peeve: Not using your turn signal. In an earlier post, I threatened to develop a tactical nuke capable of taking out a car. I would definitely use this on those who can’t be bothered with such formalities as signalling turns.

5. I am a sucker for cats. I could easily be one of those freaks that has like 47 cats. I hope this doesn’t threaten my Man Club membership.

6. In junior high, I once told a counselor that my goal was to be an NBA basketball player. For some weird reason, he thought I should have a backup plan, but I didn’t think so. For the record, I never even tried out for basketball. Oh yeah, and I’m 5′9″. Thankfully, I did come up with a backup plan.

7. I was so painfully shy in my younger years, that I never attended a single dance–not even the big ones: homecoming, prom, etc. That’s probably my single biggest regret from my youth.

8. Many years ago now, John and I decided at around 3pm to drive from Portland, Oregon, to Vancouver, B.C…for no particular reason. And we just turned around and drove right back after grabbing some fuel and snacks in Vancouver. A 12-hour round-trip if I remember correctly. Crazy. And one of my fondest memories.

As many of you know, I’m looking for a new job. My plan was to stay in the same field, but hey, if the right job comes along in another field, I might give it a try. cnn.com posted an article on “Some really odd jobs”. So sit back, relax, and help me sort through some of these to see if they might be suitable for me.

1. Breath odor evaluator

Not a big fan of the whole outsourcing or illegal immigrant labor thing, but maybe this is a job that Americans just won’t do.

2. Diener

What they do: Prepare cadavers for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.

For those Generation X and older, do you remember watching the opening credits to Quincy, M.E. in the 70s? Remember where Quincy was talking to the line-up of cops by a cadaver. Then when he pulled the sheet off, the officers all fainted one-by-one. Yeah, that’s me, collapsing to the floor. (To reminisce on that opening, click here.)

4. Ocularist

What they do: In short, they paint artificial eyes. It sounds easier than it is, since as with real eyes, no two are exactly the same.

Wow, that sounds like a very interesting, rewarding career. I believe that I would enjoy this for tens of seconds before I quit.

5. Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker

What they do: Create underwear that protect against bad human gas for people who suffer from gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with various materials and filters to help remedy hydrogen sulfide gases, the main offender in foul smells.

I guess making it wouldn’t be so bad. I just don’t want to be the tester. I’d happily delegate that.

6. Beer tester

What they do: Taste — and spit out — beer all day to approve new and existing flavors.

Finally, a career right my alley–getting paid to drink taste beer all day. No boss, really, I promise to spit it all out.

7. Crack filler

This is wrong on so many levels, that I don’t even want to comment on it. I try to keep this blog PG-13 or cleaner.

8. Ball tester

Well, I have no interest in being a tester. I would like to sign up to be a test subject depending upon the circumstances. (That’s still PG-13, right?)

9. Video game tester

What they do: For eight hours a day, five days a week, a group of males and females of all ages play video games. They repeat levels, games and characters, looking for any bugs and/or glitches in the software.

Sweetness! This might be the best one so far. I can sit on my butt, eat chips, chug Mountain Dew, and play. I love it!

10. Tampon tester

Pass.

11. Gold reclaimer

What they do: Scour old teeth for fillings, melting the gold from them with broken gold jewelry into tiny gold pellets, which is then re-sold to jewelers.

So I get to go whack old people and pull their teeth out? I mean, it sounds like a good way to relieve some stress, but are you sure it’s legal?

12. Dog sniffer

What they do: Once a week, they analyze the odor of dog’s breath to test the effect of their diet on their teeth. Breath is graded on a scale of zero to 10 and is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

“…musty, fungal, or decaying.” (shivers) Add this one to the illegal immigrant/outsource list.

13. Potato chip inspector

What they do: Search for over-cooked or clumped chips to discard as they come down the assembly line.

Mmmm…daddy like. I’ll check into this one also. Ooops…there’s another “defective” one (crunch).

14. Porta-potty servicer

What they do: Like regular restrooms, portable toilets need maintenance, too. Once a week, service workers clean these single-stall facilities to achieve certain standards of sanitation.

It’s really every little boy’s dream, though you’ll never get any of us to admit it: To drive around all day sucking the crap out of porta-potty tanks all over town…yeah.

…

17. Safe cracker

What they do: When combinations are lost or forgotten, safe crackers use their ears and fingers to open the safe.

I could do this, but only if my tool of choice could be dynamite.

19. Paper towel sniffer

What they do: Paper towel manufacturers prefer their products to be odorless before, during and after their use. Naturally, paper towel sniffers ensure that once a paper towel is used, there is no noticeable scent.

There seems to be a lot of demand for people to sniff things and rate the hideousness thereof. Outsource all of these, please.

20. Foley artist

What they do: Use whatever they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sound effects in films, like heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.

I don’t fancy myself an artist, but this actually sounds like fun.

I was at the doctor’s office for a physical. I saw “the glove” and the lubricating gel on the counter. Turns out he was planning on doing a prostate exam. I politely declined. Guidelines say that you should start getting this exam done at age 40 and I’m not going to have a done a day before I turn 40, so there.

Anyway, he completed the rest of the physical and asked if I had any particular health concerns. I didn’t really have any, but mentioned I thought I was having more difficulty hearing. So…he proceeded to rub his thumb and index finger together near my ear and ask if I could hear that. And I could, so he said my hearing was fine.

Ok, wait. This guy spent 10 years of his life and tens of thousands of dollars on medical school. We live in the United States and have access to the best diagnostic tools money can buy. And he rubs fingers together to check my hearing? This is insanity!

About 10 years ago, I picked up a crappy old Mazda 323 so that we could save money with the forthcoming birth of the Younger Daughter. A buddy and I went to lunch a few times per week and he kept chiding me about not having a working radio. One day, he’d had enough and took a look to see if we could fix it. As it turns out, the fuse servicing the radio was simply missing. So, in our infinite wisdom, we randomly removed fuses from other slots until we found one that was “not doing anything”, and placed it in the radio slot. Awesome, now we could listen to some tunes on our drive.

As we were driving back to work on a very hot August afternoon, I noticed that the temperature gauge was rising. I finally had to pull over as it reached critical levels. Opening the hood, I noticed that the radiator hose had burst. Apparently that fuse was doing something after all. Yes, we removed the fuse servicing the radiator fan. Hey, I don’t claim to be a genius all of the time.

I haven’t shared this publicly yet, but I’m being laid off (along with half of my department) from my employer of 17 years. Thankfully, I’ve been given lots of notice (I found out in October that my last day will be in July) and a nice severance package, but it’s obviously still not an easy process. I joined this company right out of college. I’m very loyal and probably would have spent my entire career there. But, it was not to be. That’s life, I get it.

I got into work with this employer through a prior summer internship, so there was no “real” search. So needless to say, my job searching skills are pretty lean. Today, I attended a job search workshop put on by the Idaho Department of Labor. They did a really good job and I picked up a lot of good tips. This is my first “real” job search ever, so all the help I can get it great.

At the beginning, we did the usual ice-breaker. You know, go around the room and introduce yourself (thanks for wasting my time). Now usually, you go around and tell a little bit about yourself, right? Well, not at this event. Here, we were asked to tell what we would do if we suddenly came into $50 million.   (sigh)   Okay, hold on. At a minimum, I’m going through an excruciating job search. Next best case is that I’m coming into the unemployment office each week to beg for my generous unemployment benefit. Worst case, I’m digging for left-over food out of a dumpster. So what do they do? They taunt me with the prospect of a $50 million windfall that would allow me to relax for the rest of my life. I don’t get it.

No, no, no. I don’t really think that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Unfortunately, I can tell you that it is definitely not this man’s place. I have had several interesting cooking incidents over the years–some funny and some that could have turned horribly tragic. So here are the top 3 reasons that I need to stay out of the kitchen.

I have burner knob dyslexia

I cannot for the life of me properly interpret the four little dots by the burner knob that are supposed to tell me which burner it corresponds to. It shouldn’t be rocket science, but after all these years I still have trouble with it. I first learned of this disability when I was probably about 10 years old. My dad asked me to heat some water so that he could make tea. I filled the pot with water, placed it on the stove, and twisted the knob to its highest setting. I then stepped out of the room for a few moments. When my dad and I returned to the kitchen, flames were shooting 3 feet into the air from a pan on another burner that had bacon grease in it. He grabbed the pan and took it outside to put it out. Thankfully, it had not been burning long enough to set the wall on fire. However, just another minute or two and it probably would have caught the house on fire.

I burn delivered food

One time when we were in the middle of a move, we ordered pizza delivery. When it arrived, I paid the guy and went to set the pizza down. However, since we wanted to finish loading up the moving van before dark, I was afraid the pizza would get cold. So, I placed the boxes in the oven and turned it on the very lowest setting. We finished loading up the moving van, then headed back in the house to have dinner. By the time we got in there, the boxes were starting to smolder and the smell or burning cardboard was terrible. Oh, and the second box didn’t have bread sticks like I thought–it had salads! Nothing better than a 150-degree salad served out of a partially-melted plastic container.

I can’t barbecue

A few days ago, The Wife called and said she was about 20 minutes from home. She asked me to fire up the grill and throw on a couple of steaks. A whined and whimpered in protest, insisting that it would be a disaster. But she insisted it would be fine–just put it on low heat to slow cook them. So I did it. I put the steaks on the grill then stepped back into the house. About 10 minutes later, I went out to check and everything was fine. I was gaining confidence. A few minutes before she was to arrive home, I went to check a final time. I opened the grill and flames were shooting up and completely enveloping one of the steaks. I hurriedly shut down the grill and pulled the steaks off. When I surveyed the damage, I saw that the one steak was completely burnt to a crisp on one side, but the other side was completely raw. The other steak (the one not consumed by the inferno), was still completely raw all the way through.

According to The World Book 1968 Year Book, “Fashion was stripped of its dictatorial powers in 1968 by a revolutionary assertion of individuality.” After seeing some of the associated pictures, I’m thinking that the “dictatorial powers” should have been quickly reasserted.

Okay, this isn’t actually all that bad, but what are these four ladies doing? Whatever it is, I think it is illegal in about 17 states.

I’m not typically in favor of the federal government telling us what to do. However, I believe that I could stand behind a federal law banning a guy from dressing like this. At the very least, he should have his Man Club membership revoked.

Raymond Jacobs died on January 29, 2008 of natural causes in Redding, California. He is believed to be the last surviving member of the group photographed raising the United States flag over Iwo Jima during World War II on February 23, 1945. This photograph is believed to be one of the most reproduced photographs in history.

It is really difficult to watch this generation leave us. They gave so much of their most productive years to make this country strong, yet asked so little in return.

Many spent a good portion of their childhood in poverty during the Great Depression. They didn’t enjoy the affluent, care-free lifestyle that our kids enjoy today. They were working, many times to the exclusion of an education, to help put food on the table.

Then, as they were reaching adulthood, World War II broke out. From when the United States joined the war in 1941 until the war ended in 1946, 16 million served in the military. Many more served on the home front working in factories supporting the war effort, running recycling drives, bond drives, etc.

When they returned home, they were expected to join the workforce, start families, and build this country into an industrial giant. Once again, they did so with no complaints. However, they were effectively robbed of their childhood and their “oat-sowing” early adult years.

Of the 16 million that served in World War II, only about 3 million are still with us. To this day, they are a quiet, humble people. To them, they were just doing what anyone would do. However, I happen to agree that these are amazing giants that deserve the title The Greatest Generation.

To Raymond Jacobs and everyone else in his generation (military and civilian): We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your service to this country, and for your tireless work to make this the greatest nation this planet has ever known. We owe you a debt that we cannot ever hope to repay.

It has been snowing like crazy this evening. I would guess 3-4 inches so far and “it doesn’t show signs of stopping.” The wind is also blowing, so it’s creating some amazing snow drifts. My best friend John hates the snow, but I love it. So we’ll just agree to disagree on this one. Anyway, I wanted to share a couple of pictures I took of our livestock out braving the elements.

This is Todd. He’s our lovable, friendly steer. He is very sociable, but doesn’t know his own strength. He can give you a nudge in the behind with those horns that’s just a little too friendly (and painful).

This is Lefty, our gentlemanly Quarter Horse.  He is very gentle and loving. Here I am interrupting his dinner to get a quick candid shot.

Thanks to John for this one.

I had to check the calendar on this story. I was sure it had to be April 1st and someone was pulling my leg. Unfortunately, it’s not April Fool’s Day. So now, reason #159 that this country is doomed: The New Kids on the Block are reuniting. According to the People article:

“Eighteen years later, they’re still “Hangin’ Tough.” The oldest “Kid,” Jonathan Knight, now a real estate developer, will turn 40 later this year. Since the band’s demise, former members Donnie Wahlberg, 38, and Joey McIntyre, 35, have seen acting success, while Danny Wood, 38, has worked as a music producer and Knight’s brother, Jordan, 37, has continued to record.”

A side note: For truth in advertising, shouldn’t they change their name to “Middle Age Guys in the Suburbs”? 

My best friend’s sister was a complete NKOTB freak. Her room was a shrine to the band. I think that she had every single promotional item available. I never got it…probably because I’m a guy.

Ok, so my guilty pleasure during my high school/early college years was Debbie Gibson. Yes, that’s right. Go ahead and laugh for awhile. Then resume reading…I’ll wait. I had all of her tapes (I can hear my kids asking: Dad, what are cassette tapes?), a VHS tape of a concert, and I even attended a concert in Tri-Cities, Washington. But that was it…I didn’t do the shrine thing…no posters or any of that stuff.

Anyway, I need to run. I need to see if Debbie Gibson is planning a comeback.

So tell me, what is your most embarrassing favorite singer/group from your younger days?

We recently attended an event that had various vendors with food and other things to buy. One of the booths was sponsored by the local animal shelter. It happened to be a food booth. This food booth happened to have a barbecue. And what were they cooking? You’ve got it: hot dogs. Something just doesn’t seem right about an animal shelter selling hot dogs. You start to wonder where they came from.

Thanks to John for his fad diet post to spark my memory of this experience. 

You probably remember that the Atkins Diet was all the rage a few years ago. You probably also remember that your local supermarket was suddenly filled with dozens of low-carb alternative foods to support the diet.

I was on the diet for probably about 6-9 months. It seemed like a dream come true: meat, cheese, eggs. What more could I want? And it did work for me? It did, at least initially. I was taking weight off at a good pace. However, in the end, I did end up missing those carbs and fell of the wagon.

However, the story I want to tell you about was my Atkins breakfast routine. I love having a sausage, egg, and English muffin sandwich for breakfast. However with Atkins, the English muffin is off limits. So I found some low-carb bread at the local store. It tasted roughly like cardboard–it was great. But I was committed to the diet, so I was going to use it. One morning, I microwaved the sausage and egg. Then I slapped it on my delicious low-carb bread. Finally, I wrapped my sandwich in a paper towel as I headed out for my commute to work.

I enjoyed my delicious sausage, egg, and cardboard sandwich while I was driving. (I know, I shouldn’t eat while driving–pipe down.) When I arrived at work, I grabbed the empty paper towel so I could drop it in the trash by the front door. It was then I noticed that I had eaten about 1/4 of the paper towel along with the sandwich. Yes, that amazing low-carb bread was so good that I couldn’t tell the difference between it and a paper towel.