What do you need to do if you are infected with the bird flu? Seek tweetment.

What do you need to do if you are infected with the swine flu? Apply oinkment.

If it’s not a father and it’s not a mother, what is it? It’s not apparent.

A man decided to join a ride-sharing program with his colleagues at work to save money. But within a week of starting it, he started having severe wrist pain. This seemed to happen only while they were driving through the tunnel–he was fine outside the tunnel. Because the tunnel was so busy, they spent quite a bit of time in there. So it was quite a painful experience for the young man. He saw a doctor the following week and was told he had a problem that is quite common nowadays: carpool tunnel syndrome.

Don’t you just hate those stupid motivational posters? As if looking at some profound picture and reading an even more profound phrase is going to turn your day around. That’s why I love Despair, Inc.’s demotivational posters. I was looking through them today and found one for blogging. I love it!

We have a dairy farm close to us. The cows are udderly amazing.

Okay, I took this picture while driving riding on I-84 between Nampa and Caldwell. I mean, is this something I should be concerned about at all? Something doesn’t look quite right, but I can’t put my finger on it.

What’s my favorite dressing you ask? Topless

Thanks to my friend Todd for this one.

Hey look! A fork in the road.

Four Corners is the only place in the United Status where four state boundaries (Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah) come together. It was originally surveyed in 1868 and the first marker was placed there in 1912. The problem is, the survey was wrong. It turns out that the correct intersection is about 2.5 miles east of the marker.

I don’t know why, but I find it strangely humorous that millions of people have visited this monument over nearly 100 years and have taken pictures doing various goofy stunts to cover all 4 states–all to no avail. It was all a lie. (evil laughter)

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I need to have a serious discussion with my brain. I am simply not happy with its performance in regards to dreams. First of all, I’m seeing too many repeats. They say that we use only 10% of our brain’s potential, so I think it’s got plenty of time to come up with original material. I simply won’t put up with this laziness anymore. It wouldn’t be so bothersome if it was a good dream being repeated, but in this case it is an unpleasant dream. I can’t remember the details now, but I know that it was not fun.

Secondly, I want to see my dream requests fulfilled. After all, it’s my brain and it darn well better do what I ask. I have always wanted to experience space travel. However, I can’t afford such a trip. Even if it were free, I might very well chicken out. So, I want a nice space travel dream. But has my wish been granted yet? Of course not.

So brain: Stop with the repeats and give me my space trip or there will be serious consequences!

To my loyal readers…here is a thimble of my love for you.

Hoppy Easter to all my peeps!

Finally, news I can use. Last Sunday’s ZITS comic has a fantastic invention for parents of teens: The Teen Translator. Enjoy…

I was recently at a construction site where they were doing some blasting. I almost forgot to put in my earplugs before a blast. Thankfully, I got them in just in the nick of time. It was a near-deaf experience.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I ran across Uncle Jay Explains several weeks back. This guy is great. He produces a weekly short video in which he explains the week’s news a la Mr. Roger’s. Very funny stuff. Check out this week’s video.

I had so much fun with my posts My Needs and My Wants, that I decided to try another one.

Here’s how this one works: Google “[your first name] is” (actually type in the quotes…they are essential) and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan is…is the bees knees! (well everyone knew that already)

Bryan is…proud that Future Now’s clients, including NBC Universal, GE, WebEx, Overstock and Dell, have consistently enjoyed dramatic improvement in sales using Future Now’s Persuasion Architecture® process (ummm…sure)

Bryan is…playing Russian roulette (I’d rather not, thanks anyway)

Bryan is…the proud father of two and appears to be very happily married to a very lucky WOMAN (very, very true)

Bryan is…a Gemini (no, I’m a Virgo)

Bryan is…playing Russian roulette (stop with that!)

Bryan is…going to be releasing a new single in July! (sweet! I hope it makes lots of money.)

Bryan is…one of the driving forces behind “Memphis” (who knew?)

Bryan is… fan of: Products, Websites, Music, Non-Profits (okay sure, those are all good things)

Bryan is…in your extended network (as I should be)

John recently completed this high school meme. It looked like fun, so I’m following suite. Feel free to post your own and let me know.

1. Did you date someone from your school? My high school years were sad and pathetic romantically (and in most other ways as well). I didn’t date in high school. 

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? No, I married someone from my wife’s high school.

3. Did you car pool to school? Sometimes. Mostly though, I walked before I got my license and drove by myself after. 

4. What kind of car did you have? A puke-green 1975 Chevy Vega. This may explain my answer to #1.

5. What kind of car do you have now? A red 2008 Toyota Corolla.

6. Its Friday night…where are you now? Watching TV and having a beer.

7. It is Friday night…where were you then? You would probably find me with John. Either at his house, my house, a high school sports game, or cruising. And if we were cruising, you’d find us chugging…a 7-11 Super Big Gulp. 

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I was a gas station attendant at a Chevron gas station.

9. What kind of job do you do now? I’m an IS Administrator.

10. Were you a party animal? No.

11. Were you considered a flirt? No.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Yes, I was a band nerd. Yet more evidence for #1.

13. Were you a nerd? I won the trifecta of nerd-dom: band, science club, and chess club.

14. Did you get suspended from school? No, not in high school. I was suspended once or twice in Middle School.

15. Can you sing the fight song? No. However, it is to the tune of On Wisconsin. I guess our school was too poor to come up with its own song.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? Ms. Richter (Math) and Mr. Endicott (Social Studies).

17. Where did you sit during lunch? In a chair like everyone else.

18. What was your school’s full name? Ontario High School

19. Where did you party the most? My place or John’s.

20. What was your school mascot? The Tigers! And this was during the 80s. In band, we played Eye of the Tigers so much it made our ears bleed.

21. Would you do it again? Only if I could do it right this time.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Do we have to keep bringing up dating? Are you tring to rub salt into the wound? Please again refer to #1.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? One last time, see #1.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Most likely. It makes for some cheap entertainment.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A few of them.

26. What are/were your school’s colors? Cardinal & Corn, whatever the heck those are. How about red and yellow?

I used to be a baker, but I didn’t make enough dough.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when impossibly cute kids lurk in the shadows only to spring out and hit us up to buy those darn Girl Scout cookies. They are addictive and wildly over-priced, but we buy them anyway. We have to. We just can’t say no to those faces. It’s a good thing too. What you don’t know is that if you don’t buy the cookies, these cute kids will quickly turn evil and do unspeakable harm to you when you least expect it.

So here they sit on my desk: a box of Samoas and a box of Thin Mints. The boxes remain unopened. This is because they are so good, that if open the box, I will eat every last one of them in one sitting. I can hear the cookies calling for me. Evil things. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. Pure evil.

What does a honeybee call its hive? Comb, sweet home.

Okay, I couldn’t resist creating a “sister” meme to the previous one I just posted. This one addresses wants instead of needs.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] wants” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan wants..Pringles (very, very true…I love them)

Bryan wants..to be teacher (not really, the pay kind of blows and I don’t have the patience)

Bryan wants..Congress (only if I can add “to burn in hell” to the phrase)

Bryan wants..my penis (no, I’ll kindly thank you to keep it to yourself)

Bryan wants..to be an MLG pro (Major League Gaming pro? hmmm…now that would be a fun job)

Bryan wants..to buy you some boots (wrong again…buy your own damn boots you freeloader)

Bryan wants..whisk Amy away (quite true, but The Wife would not take too kindly to it)

Bryan wants..your gas money (so hand it over or I’ll beat you up)

Bryan wants..his “Eleventh Hour” back (actually, I didn’t even know it was gone)

Bryan wants..to Bond with films (okay)

This meme is coming at me from several places, but I’ll give John the official nod on it.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 10 results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! You’re also supposed to tag 10 other people. I’m not going to formally tag anyone, but if you read this consider yourself tagged anyway.

Bryan needs…a top (ummm nope…already got one thanks)

Bryan needs…money (word)

Bryan needs…a job (got one of those already…guess a second one could be okay)

Bryan needs…help urgently (quick, before I die right here in front of you)

Bryan needs…a title for his homepage (I rather like the one I have, thanks anyway)

Bryan needs…to ink me ASAP (what, now you want me to give you a tattoo?)

Bryan needs…a job (sorry, I draw the limit at 2 jobs)

Bryan needs…survive (yes, I would very muh like that)

Bryan needs…a pad (well, I wouldn’t mind a nicer one to be honest, but the economy is tough right now)

Bryan needs…Johnson (sicko)

You may recall from a previous post that I would like to develop a small tactical nuke to take out drivers that piss me off. I’m still working on that, but have had another idea on my mind for quite some time: an LED sign for the rear car window. That way, I can let the person behind me know what I really think. Well, as it turns out, someone stole my idea. For $60, you can get a 10″ by 2″ LED message board that mounts in the rear window. This is fantastic!

I might just have to get one. I was sitting here tonight thinking of what messages I would like to program in. After all, it can take up to 98. Here are a few I thought of:

• The 60s are over hippy freak
• Get the frick out of the left lane
• Buckle up your kid, moron
• Nice headlights
• Your gas hatch is open
• Ha, ha, passed you
• Have a good day
• Life sucks
• Why do you want your dog dead?
• In a wacky mood
• Bet you can’t catch me
• Slow poke

A man told ten horrible pun jokes to his friends, but none of them made the friends laugh. No pun in ten did.

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

We have a traveler trailer. It goes where it’s towed.

Well, Super Bowl is just a few days away and I as am excited about this year’s game as ever. It promises to be a thrilling classic match-up between…uhhh…hold on just a second while I Google that. Okay, looks like it’s going to be the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Arizona Cardinals.

Okay, you got me. I am not a pro football fan. Not in the least. During the regular season, I’ll watch for a little while since it seems to be something I’m supposed to do as a man. But after not too long, I’m looking for something to read or something else to do while The Wife watches the game (messed up, huh?). Now I know that this post will be submitted as prosecutor’s exhibit #1 when the Man Club takes me to court to revoke my membership, but I just don’t care.

Super Bowl is a different story, but it’s not about the game itself. Every year, we get together with several other families and make a day of it. There’s always lots of food, fun, and laughs. As for the game, I’m all about the commercials. As we all know, the advertisers turn it up a notch and really try to entertain us to keep our eyes glued on what they are trying to sell us. We get to find out which sappy Budweiser horse commercial will make The Wife cry; how close GoDaddy will go to the edge of FCC regulations; and see the creative jabs that Coke and Pepsi take at each other. Of course there are always a handful that make you ask: “They spent $3 million for that?”

You’ll catch me nodding off in complete boredom during actual game play, so I just ask that the others wake me up for the commercials and maybe the half-time show. I’m going to see if I can con the clan into TiVo-ing the game. Then we’ll start watching about 2 hours into the actual game and (pause for genius moment) fast forward through the game to see only the commercials! I love it! That’s what needs to happen to create a completely perfect Super Bowl event–at least from my standpoint.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get re-possessed.

Times are tough, right? Of course. To save money on electricity, we now have our cat clean the dishes for us. Check it out.

What is a zebra? It’s 26 sizes larger than an A bra.

Unnecessary censorship cracks me up. One that never fails to kill me is this one of Sesame Street’s The Count. If you haven’t seen it before, check it out.

I know some folks that want pick up the Nintendo game system. I guess they are just looking for a Wii bit a of fun.

I absolutely love camping. It is definitely in tents.

In England they do not have a liver bank, but they do have a Liverpool.

If I were president, I think that I would have fun the with the whole pardon-the-turkey “tradition”. We’d get up there for the photo-op, I’d look around and say “pardon denied”, then pull out my ax and…well, let’s just say I’d have my freshest Thanksgiving feast ever. Nevermind the screaming and crying children. What do you think?

On Friday, I was a little confused about my projects at work. It was one of those daze.

Wow, I found a chick who is quite the catch. Check this out.

According to this story at ktvb.com, Lori Brutsche-Ely went to the Mint Bar in Hailey, Idaho to celebrate Halloween. No problem right? Well, as the evening progressed she became just a bit intoxicated and out of control. The security guard on duty decided to call the police. So what did she do? Well, what anyone would–she stripped off all her clothes. When the police showed up, she also did what any normal person would do–she punched the officer in the chest.

Off to jail and end of story right? Not so fast. Once she got to the jail, she bit a deputy and found a way to set off the sprinkler system and cause a flood. Nice lady. And hot too–check her out.

Abbott and Costello may very well be the best comedy duo of all time–at least in my opinion. I hadn’t seen their “Who’s On First” routine in years, so I went out and found it on YouTube. It’s still every bit as funny today as the first time I watched it. It’s amazing how timeless their comedy is.

If you’ve never seen the routine, you’re missing out. Otherwise, enjoy it again.

Who’s the ho? Idaho

This is very random and very funny…just my brand of humor. Enjoy and thanks to Jodi for bringing this to my attention. Caution: R-rated language.

http://www.endofworld.net/

No teacher with a pulse would believe the excuse that “My dog ate my homework”, right? Well, would they believe it with a cat?

Enter Neeko the devil cat.

Now tell me, could this adorable creature…

 be capable of destoying the education of child?

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile. He didn’t have very much: his booty was only shin-deep.

You may recall a previous post in which we announced that Mattel was making special edition Barbies for Oregon. Just in time for Christmas, we are now pleased to announce the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Idaho market.

Nampa Barbie

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar farm home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Melba Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching feedstore outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately for traveling.

Garden City Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Boise Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Challis Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder and no teeth. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sun Valley Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built high rise condo.

Buhl Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Jerome Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Jerome Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Twin Falls Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Kuna Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Idaho Falls Barbie

She’s perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings.

Also don’t miss Oregon Special Edition Barbie Dolls.

In an earlier post, I railed against the hideousness that is the song I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates. A lot of people have criticized me for this and that’s fine. This is my blog and I’ll say what I want thank you very much.

Matt has joined in the fun by pointing out this parody of the the song–Combine Harvester by The Wurlzers. I think that I actually like the parody–it’s so bad that it’s good.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.