Punday, July 20th

What did the duck say to the bartender? “Put it on my bill.”

Punday, July 13th

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Punday, July 6th

When we go out to eat, I always get the same silly question: “Would you like super salad?” Well, my answer is always yes. Why would I settle for the just average salad when I can have the super one, right?

Punday, June 29th

My creative juices have been running a bit dry lately, so this week’s pun is courtesy of Bekki. Thanks for saving my bacon!

What happens when a frog mates with a bunny? He croaks.

For the Truly Lazy

In case you have been trying in vain to find more ways to burn less calories, help is on the way. The folks over at SeeFred have developed some products that will help you conserve energy. In these trying economic times, we really do need to conserve all we can.

 

 First up is the Motorized Ice Cream Cone. Yes, just pop some batteries into this puppy and you’ll never again have to waste calories or risk carpal tunnel syndrome by turning the ice cream cone with your hand. This handy device will take care of the task for you.

 

 

 

 

 

But what about spaghetti, you ask? It’s such a strenuous task to twirl the fork to get the spaghetti on it. Not to worry–we’ve got you covered here also. Similar to the ice cream cone, just put some batteries in, push the button and the Spaghetti Fork will take care of the rest.

 

 

 

 

Really,  how lazy could you possibly be to not want to spin your own fork or ice cream cone? These products just put us one step closer to being brains in a jar that have no need for muscles. Simply outrageous.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some shopping to do.

Punday, June 22nd

His musical passing of gas is a work of fart.

Punday, June 15th

The other day, The Wife and I were getting ready to do some watering outside. Just out of the blue she asked me to go get the hos. Wow, I never realized that she was so open-minded. And don’t overlook that fact that it is plural. I have an amazing wife!

Man Club Membership Suspension

Our best friends visited us this weekend. The male of the couple was talking about some very interesting celebrity story. When I asked him where he heard about it, he replied “The Oprah Show”. The reason that I cannot remember what he was talking about, is that the mention of The Oprah Show caused an immediate erasure of any memories associated with reference to the show.

I demanded the immediate surrender of his Man Club card pending official ruling by the Supreme Council of Men on the matter. I don’t believe that a male can willingly view The Oprah Show for any period of time and still retain his membership. I don’t care if Angelina Jolie, Jessica Simpson, and Pamela Anderson are appearing and if the FCC has temporarily suspended it’s standards to allow nudity. A man simply cannot view this show.

Your thoughts?

Punday, June 8th

A birder had a mynah problem but with no egrets.

Punday, June 1st

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

Cats and Chainsaws

The DITH art department always strives to bring you cutting edge material that you just won’t see anywhere else. The latest innovation: cats and chainsaws. We searched the Internet for tens of seconds and couldn’t find anyone else covering this vital discipline of creative photography. So, here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Punday, May 25th

I loved listening to the Dr. Demento show as a teen. The parody and comedy songs he plays are the perfect fit for my wacky brand of humor. One of my favorites is Wet Dream by Kip Adotta. It is the ultimate pun in the form of a song. If you like puns at all, you have to check it out.

Punday, May 18th

The world’s most offensive furniture store name: Sofa King

As best I can tell, there are three establishments with this name. They are located in Mesilla Park, NM, Norristown, PA, and Shelley, ID.

I even found a website dedicated to this pun.

George Carlin Quotes

I really like George Carlin’s brand of humor. I don’t really care for his religion bashing, but if I look past that, he is very funny. Here are a couple of my favorite one-liners:

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

The Next Environmental Catastrophe

Everyone is all worried about global warming, pollution, and overflowing landfills. However, what we really need to worry about is the air trapped in plastic bottles. Yup, that’s right. After enjoying the contents of the bottle, most people seal the cap back on and with it a bottle full of air. Different sources indicate that it takes hundreds or even thousands of year for a plastic bottle. Eventually all the air in the world is going to be trapped in bottles in the landfill and we’re all going to suffocate. So please save the planet…don’t put that lid back on the bottle before disposing of it.

These are the types of strange things that occupy my mind.

Dorky Humor

We had an enjoyable Saturday afternoon/evening. The Younger Daughter is over at a friend’s house for a sleepover and the Older Daughter didn’t have any plans. So, we convinced the Older Daughter to join us for dinner at the Olive Garden. We had a great time and enjoyed some great food (as always, too much, but hey…) and great conversation. It was a rare treat that we enjoyed. However, the Older Daughter quickly grew tired of the puns I kept throwing out. She finally said, “Mom, make him stop.” Sorry, I’ll never stop with my dorky humor. It is just a part of who I am.

Punday, May 11th

When you can’t afford to buy a wolf, Lisa Wolf.

Messed Up Job Description

Today, I was reviewing the job description for a job I am considering applying for. This is an IT-related job. I read through the first 2-1/2 pages and it was pretty typical stuff that I would expect for the job. But then I got to the end. Check this crazy stuff out–along with my famous commentary in italics. Keep in mind as you are reading that this is a computer job. You know, one where I get to sit on my butt all day and get paid for it.

PHYSICAL DEMANDS

 

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to talk or hear (check).  The employee frequently is required to walk; sit; use hand to finger, handle, or feel (ummm…this sounds like fun…apparently they do not have a sexual harassment policy…sweet!); reach with hand and arms and use a computer (gosh, can’t I just roll my chair up to the keyboard instead of reaching?).  The employee is occasionally required to stand; climb or balance; stoop, kneel, crouch, or crawl (what the hell is this, a computer job or American Gladiators?); and taste or smell (okay, now we’re getting somewhere…so I get free food? woo hoo!).  The employee must occasionally lift and/or move up to 50 pounds. (what, so now you want me to carry stuff around? okay, whatever.)

 

WORK ENVIRONMENT

 

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is normally in an office environment (duh, thanks there Einstein).  The employee is occasionally exposed to heat, welding, moving mechanical parts, toxic or caustic chemicals (so how am I supposed to do the fingering and handling if my limbs have been melted off by chemicals?), risk of electrical shock, and loud noises (so I have to be able to talk and hear while you are blasting me with loud noises? Awfully demanding I must say.).

Why I’ll Never Be President

Okay, I posted what might be considered an embarrassing picture of the Older Daughter. So, I’ll follow suite and share one of myself. We finally entered the digital photography age about 5 years ago. Shortly after buying our shiny new camera, the girls wanted to try it out. So, being the accommodating dad that I am, I hammed it up for them so that they could take this picture.

Crazy Hat

Okay, she’ll probably kill me for this (sorry that this might be my last post), but I wanted to post a picture of the Older Daughter that I took yesterday. The dichotomy is amazing. She’s wearing a crazy fuzzy winter hat that covers most of her head. Yeah, this while wearing sunglasses and a tanktop in 70-degree weather.