Am I Deaf?

I was at the doctor’s office for a physical. I saw “the glove” and the lubricating gel on the counter. Turns out he was planning on doing a prostate exam. I politely declined. Guidelines say that you should start getting this exam done at age 40 and I’m not going to have a done a day before I turn 40, so there.

Anyway, he completed the rest of the physical and asked if I had any particular health concerns. I didn’t really have any, but mentioned I thought I was having more difficulty hearing. So…he proceeded to rub his thumb and index finger together near my ear and ask if I could hear that. And I could, so he said my hearing was fine.

Ok, wait. This guy spent 10 years of his life and tens of thousands of dollars on medical school. We live in the United States and have access to the best diagnostic tools money can buy. And he rubs fingers together to check my hearing? This is insanity!

The Answers to All Your Diet Questions

I am so tired of the conflicted health tips we get. One day something is bad for us–the next day it is good. Thanks to Carol, I found all the answers. Here you go…no extra charge this time.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO! What a Ride”

Finally, for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

1968 Retrospect: Dentistry

According to the 1968 Year Book by The World Book, “A leading dental research scientist predicted in 1968 that tooth decay may be preventable in less than 10 years. Dr. Seymour J. Kreshover, director of the National Institute of Dental Research (NIDR) in Bethesda, MD, made the prediction on the basis of successful work done at the institute in pinpointing the organism of decay.”

Well, this prediction was way off. There have certainly been improvements in dental health, but I don’t think we can say that we are anywhere near preventing tooth decay.

In 2002, clinical trials began on a genetically modified mouthwash that should stop tooth decay. The mouthwash is squirted onto the teeth in a 5-minute process. The treatment is expected to last for a “considerable time.” The most recent information I could find indicates that the trials are moving along very cautiously because of FDA concerns. You see, this treatment permanently replaces the bacteria in the mouth that causes cavities with another bacteria. Yeah, I think it’s a good idea to proceed cautiously when you are talking about permanently altering your body’s chemistry!

How to Avoid Exercise (or, I’m the Laziest Person on the Planet)

I’m just about the laziest person on the planet (just ask The Wife). I know that I should be exercising to be healthier (and shed a few pounds), but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Well, after extensive research by the DITH Wellness Department, we have found a viable alternative to exercise: drinking alcohol.

Benjamin Franklin said “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” According to an article at time.com, this is absolutely true. It seems that those who do not drink and do not exercise have the highest risk of heart disease. Those who exercise or drink have a 30% reduction in risk. Finally, those freaks that exercise but are smart enough to also drink, have a 50% reduction in risk.

So if a couple drinks per day will replace some exercise, then lots of drinks will replace lots of exercise, right? I don’t know, there may have been some caveats or something later in the article. But when I hit the part about alcohol replacing exercise, I got up and did a little Snoopy celebration dance. Okay, not for very long because I didn’t want to cross that line into exercise.

Anyway, cheers to your good health!