If you are not familiar with Oregon, some of the humor of this post may be lost on you. However, you should be able to identify with areas in your own state where these special edition Barbies could be easily adapted. Feel free to create your own and post to your blog. By the way, for reference, I lived my first 12 years in Lebanon, Oregon and had relatives in Sweet Home. Now you’ll understand what I’m up against just based on my early years.
Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Oregon market:
Lake Oswego Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Pioneer Square Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
Beaverton Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Woodburn Barbie
This recently paroled Bilingual Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
Bend Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
Sweet Home Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Lebanon Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Sweet Home Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top; also available with a mobile home.
Eugene Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Eugene Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
North Portland Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant dolls from two different races. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the second infant.
Also don’t miss, Idaho Special Edition Barbie Dolls
February 21, 2008 at 12:08 pm
horribly amused…(peers through fingers) horribly, horribly amused.
February 21, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Man oh man. I’d like to see the Pendleton one: “Complete with rodeo tickets, 4-door F-350 that’s about to be repossessed, and ability to emit odorless flatulence. Family tree of every other Pendleton Barbie included at no extra charge, so you know her social status at a glance.”
February 22, 2008 at 12:09 am
I guffawed the first time I saw this list. Thanks for posting it for me to view again. Cheers!
February 22, 2008 at 12:22 am
I love it! You should come up with some creative pictures and add to the “Oregon Barbie” dialogue.
February 22, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Ontario Barbie…
We’re not really sure what ‘race’ this model is. She looks hispanic, but her name is Cyndi Berkowitz, she is wearing so much pancake ‘base’ with painted eyebrows, tammy faye eyelashes and candy-apple tinted rouge that she looks just like all the others. She has bleached her hair… 6-months ago and the roots are black, but her bangs are stiffly pointing at the sky. She has 18 piercings… that you can “see”. She is wearing ‘gangsta’ clothes; pants 6 sizes too big with chains weighing it down and a Chicago WhiteSox jersey, has a armband tattoo and a tramp stamp. She has 3 kids all named Junior (pregnant with #4, unsure who the father is), if she wants just one of them, she uses their last name. She can be found driving a car straight from the set of Fast & Furious, yet pays for groceries with WIC and an Oregon Trail card.
February 22, 2008 at 3:53 pm
BTW–Bend Barbie is SPOT ON. I have had reason to spend a little time down there the last several months, and it’s amazing how impressed they all are with themselves.
March 18, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I kind of hoped there would be a “Portland Hipster” edition Barbie… This barbie comes from a wealthy family that she hates, but feels no pangs of conscience when accepting her monthly expense check from her dad. Her haircut is jagged, and her bangs are plastered almost horizontally across her forehead. A few years ago, she grew out of wearing her white belt, but that castro cap will so totally never go out of style. Her biting sarcasm and one-upsmanship when it comes to “the coolest band in the world” will drive you to stab yourself in your will to live, but she’s mastered the little girl cuteness factor, so if you’re male, you’ll instantly forgive her. Comes with kid sized bike and no job.
February 13, 2010 at 9:23 pm
I think I know her LOL
March 22, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Salem Barbie: comes with J.C. Penney pants suit and Towncraft blouse, State Employee I.D. badge and Oregon Public Employees Union coffee mug, Rite-Aid discount card and sensible flats from Shoe Factory Outlet. Not for sale, but given as a premium for joining State Employees Credit Union. Her four-year-old Honda Civic available for premium members. Lobbyist Ken not currently available.
August 31, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Oh man this is funny! I especially laughed over the Eugene Barbie – that’s where I grew up. Although I know these are gross stereotypes I disagree with Rick. Having spent many years in Portland and now having lived in Central Oregon for 9 years, I don’t think Bend really comes close. That represents maybe 1/2 of 1%. Don’t you know our economy is one of the worst in the nation? Not many Hummers here. But…it was still funny.
December 4, 2009 at 1:18 am
I agree annie oakley….about Central Oregon…..I think the Bend Barbie needs to have a Subaru Central Oregoner’s are pretty cool mountain ppl!
December 4, 2009 at 1:19 am
And a lift ticket, not a country club membership.
August 31, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Oh, and I loved the other suggestions. Especially Salem..
September 3, 2009 at 9:17 am
Sooooo funny! What a way to start my day!
September 3, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Silverton Barbie: Looks like Barbie but is actually Ken with boobs. Available with a sexy black dress that shoes more than enough cleavage.
September 4, 2009 at 5:28 pm
[...] said, if you live in Oregon, it’s pretty darned funny. So view or not, as you choose. And feel free to suggest your [...]
September 5, 2009 at 10:02 am
I think the Corvallis Barbie would be driving a Subaru with a sports rack and back side full of bumper stickers, including one that says “My other car is a bike” and an expired HP parking permit from when she used to work there. (Dog hair is free of charge.)
With her perfect hair and nails, she’d wear comfortable jeans and a 20 year old t-shirt with a peace sign. She would come with Prof. Longhair Ken with a graying beard, button-down untucked shirt, blue shorts, black socks and brown Birkenstocks.
September 9, 2009 at 6:07 pm
We need a Hillsboro Barbie. She needs to be a latino barbie driving a Hummer and has a pit bull.
January 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm
and several children w/ runny noses, running wild in the store where she pays w/ WIC and Oregon Trail card
September 24, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Surprised to not see a Medford or Ashland Barbie suggested. I would, but unfortunately, I am not witty enough.
December 6, 2009 at 8:23 am
Somebody needs to come up with an Oregon Coast Barbie!
And whoever described Pendleton Barbie, I think you just described my family, but you’re missing the HRD… haha!
April 8, 2010 at 11:54 pm
LOL
I grew up in Sweet Home, and I can vouch for the SH-Lebanon ones xD
Absolutely hilarious.
February 11, 2011 at 3:20 am
“This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant dolls from two different races”
Racist much?
August 25, 2011 at 7:25 am
Indeed, but it’s humor so we’re just witty
August 20, 2012 at 5:57 am
I love Barbie! my mom give my first… from my 6 years old! At the moment, my little enjoy with my 30 years Barbie!. I´m tuned too with news about her from other fans of Barbie!. Thanks!